SupportTiffany: Latest Updates

Latest Updates

Funeral Notice	Tue 1st July 2008 09:50
Tiplady, Tiffany Marie (nee Halloran) aged 37 died peacefully at her home surrounded by loving family and friends on Saturday 21st June 2008. Adored wife of Darren, treasured mother of Joshua, Nathaniel and Grace. Forever your grace and spirit will fill our lives with sunshine. Requiem mass for Tiffany will be celebrated at St Patricks Church, 88 Acacia Bay Road, Taupo on Friday 27th June at 10am to be followed by internment at Taupo cemetery. Dress as you feel, bright and cheery welcome. Vigil prayers at the above church on Thursday evening at 7.30pm.

Funeral Notice	Mon 23rd June 2008 14:41
Tiplady, Tiffany Marie. Beautiful daughter of Tony and Diana Halloran, cherished sister of Amanda, Lisa, Gina and Jennifer, gorgeous sister-in-law of Geoff, Scott and Jonathan, loving aunty of Chris, Shevon, Ben, Laura, Tim, Ashleigh, Brad, Sarah, Sophie, David and Clare. Our hearts are in deep sorrow, you were taken from us too soon but we are forever enriched.

Note from Family	Sat 21st June 2008 18:30
*************************** It is with deepest regret that we inform you that our beautiful Tiffany has lost her struggle with cancer and passed away tonight at 6:05pm. Family and friends were by her side today and able to say their final farewells. Tiffany has touched our hearts forever. Will provide more details as known. ***************************

Life and times in Taupo	Mon 9th June 2008 00:00
Hi everyone, Tracey, Andrea, Paula and Tiffany here. We are writing from Tiff's place, she is having her hair done. She's been back in Taupo for two weeks. Since being back, she has had a bit of a rocky time with an infection. Last Tuesday the Taupo ambulance service was called to the Tiplady residence and, yet again the medical profession were surprised by Tiffany's quick recovery. Tiffany's stay in Taupo Hospital was only a few hours long, her temperature came down and the antibiotics that were flown down from Auckland Hospital weren't needed. Emotionally it was a shocking day and Tiffany and Darren were yet again challenged with talking to the children about Tiffany's prognosis. In other words, they felt this was it for Tiffany. Thankfully with each passing day Tiffany's strength has improved drastically. Also Tiffany's Mum has just been diagnosed with breast cancer, so please keep her in your prayers. Yet another reminder that we don't know what life has in store for us. Which brings us to the here and now, with Paula, Andrea and Tracey chatting with Tiffany while she has her hair done and she is looking gorgeous!! The kids have just arrived home from school and they are loving being back. Tiffany will post another update soon. Lots of health and happiness to you all. Tiffany

Just be	Wed 16th April 2008 00:00
Where to begin... 'just start at the beginning' as Julie Andrews would say. Now don't worry I'm not going to start from 20 months ago, but it does feel as though this year, the year of 2008, has been a book in itself. So I'll start there. I appreciate many of you may know some, all or little of these events. So forgive me if I repeat myself and please do not take it personally if you have not been informed about something. A lot of the time events have happened on an emergency level and sometimes at a level that have been kept private at my request. This has made it awkward for my family and friends at times, not to mention myself, of course. Often my family and different friends have been stuck between a rock and a hard place - wanting to respect my privacy but also wanting to share with others. So, we do what we do best, support each other through the hard times and we�ve had a few of those in the last few months. The main concern has been my kidneys where the cancer has moved in and taken up residence at the base of both urethras. Unlike most organs, the kidneys are essential for life and once they become completely blocked, there is no longer life. I admitted myself into hospital seven and a half weeks ago hoping to spend a few days working out a multitude of issues, including my kidneys. We all popped up to Auckland as a family, packed nice light summer clothing. I had my four lovely sisters with me so when it came to luggage they insured there was only slippers and the shoes I had on� they were the clothing Gestapo! At the time being on two hour pethadene made me a fairly easy push over and although going to hospital was a very upsetting and painful time, I think I can speak for all of us � it has been special and bonding also in many other ways. Well, seven weeks later, I am still here at Auckland City Hospital and I have had several different operations, one of them being an emergency nephrostomy about three weeks ago. This was life threatening and my family were called in. It was not believed I would survive the night. I had very little knowledge of what was going on as most of the time I was deeply unconscious. However, Darren was given the news that things were not looking good at about 3am as the Doctor looked at him and said 'I'm sorry mate, I don�t think your wife is going to make it'. Darren replied 'You don't know my wife'. He then came and whispered in my ear: 'You can do this Tiff, they don't know you, you can do this' and did it � I did (to take an excerpt from Dr Seuss � and no, I'm completely sober writing this!!). Actually I didn't do it at all, not by myself anyway. God sent a wonderful man to sit by my side, throughout this particular part of this journey. He was never wavering in his faith. So now I'm going to zoom ahead from that very intense time and bring you to where I am now. I am in great spirits as I have just been told I can go on overnight leave. I have been there before, I was discharged about a week ago but I contracted a kidney infection and was back in hospital within 24 hours. This was very disappointing, heartbreaking actually as the children had made a big banner and ran out to give me flowers. Actually they were so excited, they forgot about the road, luckily nobody drives faster than 15 kmph on Herald Island. I felt like a Queen coming home in her chariot and the next day to wave goodbye to the children from an ambulance was a striking contrast. No flowers that day. So now I need to put all of that aside, any feelings of fear or worry and just be. Enjoy the moments I am about to have with my family and just BE. Here's to you enjoying your moments too. Lots of love Tiffany

An Update from Emma!	Fri 4th April 2008 11:44
Hi Everyone, I have been fortunate enough to have spent a couple of days this week (and one night) with Tiffany and her lovely family. They have asked me to write this update and I am sure many of you are anxious to know how everything is. When I first entered the ward and saw Tiff I have to say I was quite saddened by the amount of weight she had lost (bearing in mind the last time I had seen her was 5th November) however, it soon became apparent that despite everything there is no keeping this girl down. If you are reading this you don’t need me to tell you that if Tiff wants something there is no stopping her! Her pain can be quite bad at times, she likens it to having contractions that come on suddenly then gradually fade away but never actually go completely. To combat this pain Tiff has a mixture of drugs; one is one a self administering pump and another she injects into a tube that runs into her abdomen. Much of our time together was spent chatting and walking up and down the corridor for exercise, I have perfected the art of foot massage, have painted nails and straightened hair, which is no mean feat when you are used to my curly mop! Tiff on the other hand has discovered that chicken flavoured rice crackers and Ritz cheese crackers (eaten one on top of the other like a sandwich) make a really tasty snack at 3am! Tiff was due to have an operation yesterday (Thursday) to replace the stents she had put in a few weeks ago, this went well and Darren says she is sore but it was a success. The team at Auckland will then look at removing the Nerphrostomy tubes from her right kidney today (Friday). We spoke a lot about the possibility of them returning to Taupo, they are both really keen to get home, get the children back to school and resume some kind of normality. To do this they need our help. Tiff will need a carer/companion everyday between 7am and 7pm. This will mean that Darren is able to take care of the children’s needs. I have agreed to put together a roster of helpers who can do this. I suggest that we divide the day up into 7am – 1pm and 1pm – 7pm. It will mainly involve caring for Tiff making sure she has her pain medication and handling the flow of visitors and phone calls to the house to make sure she gets the rest she needs. If anyone feels that they can commit to this please call me on 021 821 020 or email me emmaaxton@ihug.co.nz. I know that many of you lovely people reading this are very close to Tiff and Darren so if there is anything else you can think that may help please also let me know. When a firm roster is in place, they can start making the arrangements to come home. I look forward to hearing from you. Lots and lots of love, Emma x

Forever Grateful	Mon 3rd March 2008 21:55
I feel I am in the right place at the moment apart from being away from my beautiful babies. I am still in Auckland Hospital - it has not been 1 week and I am in alot better shape from the night I entered. The pain is now totally managed and I am amazed at the supportive and loving team of professionals caring for me. Since my Sydney hospital experience I have always been 'afraid of re-entering the medical world'. I now feel only gratitude towards all the doctors and nurses who are working for me/with me. They are learning about my case inside and out and really see Tiffany not just the cancer or the illness. Each has a smile on their face, a glint in their eye and a heart filled with compassion. The children come to visit most days and all their needs are being met also. They are happy and content and so well looked after by my family and friends. Paula, Andrea and Madeleine have even started home schooling them which is brilliant as we are going to be in Auckland now for at least a few weeks. Radiation doesn't start now until the 10th and will last 2 weeks from there. Today they performed the preliminary examination that involved a CT scan and some tatooing. Unfortunately I love Dazza was not on the list of options. Actually it was a very short list of options - the one X marks the spot. Just 3 dots to line me up. I promised myself to always remain open to what the best option for myself knowing therefore everyone else would be O.K. Through radiaton we hope to shrink the enlarged lymph nodes and therefore stop the swelling which is causing damage to the kidneys, bladder and other areas. There is so much more I could talk about on the medical front - my chart summary almost requires the nurses to put it into a back pack to avoid any strains it is so bulky and heavy. I am unsure when I will leave hospital and return to my sister Lisa's house. Hopefully within the week but maybe I will now need to stay another week or 2. That I will leave in Gods hands. Darren is my forever rock solid soul mate and Lisa and her family continue to welcome us out of a genuine sense of desire and love, not because they should and its their duty. I feel I have become pretty astute at working that one out but also I am happy now to not take on the responsibility of why people give - that is theirs and theirs alone which is very freeing. There are no paybacks required - a smile and a grateful hug are all most people seem to require and I have those in abundance. I feel pretty confident theres an endless supply going there. Gratitude is still my I thought/feeling of the day and it carries me through all the injections and uncomfortable/slightly scary experiences. I hope this puts everyone in the loop a little more. I will sign off now as Lisa will be taking this home to type up and post to you all. Thankyou Lisa. Love you all very much. God Bless, Tiffany

Grateful for today	Fri 15th February 2008 14:05
Hi there everyone, Our prayers are not answered when we are given what we ask but when we are challenged to be what we can be. This quote was sent to me by a friend yesterday. Words are just that, in that they can often just slip on by and then there are those that are special, that in a certain moment of time, seem to be sent to me with such divine power, that I stop and pay attention. As my updates get further apart I have realised within myself that words often fail to express where I am on any level, so the silence remains and I wait, knowing that at some point they will come and until then that it is the silence, that is my teacher. Its funny how comfortable I have become with silence. I was always one of those gap fillers who managed to make noise even on my own. I would sing, chat to myself, watch T.V, listen to music.... anything to avoid complete and utter silence. There was something creepy about it. Now I see that it was just energy in one of its purest forms where I had the opportunity to connect with my own power. I've spent most of my life avoiding that opportunity, distracting myself and totally ignorant to the power I held or totally afraid of it. Probably the latter. This silence - this energy is now my way of recharging. I am not only comfortable in it, I crave it, as with the silence comes peace - my knowing that despite the physically turbulent time I am having everything is going to be alright. So where am I physically? As you may have picked up through the message board I have been in hospital recently having the stents replaced. For a multitude of reasons I went into renal failure a couple of weeks ago and as the stents where due to be replaced this was the first port of call in rectifying the situation. I also had a bladder infection so although minor in comparison to the kidney issue I was pretty uncomfortable to say the least and not at my perkiest. Emotionally the words renal failure have an ominious ring to them. I couldn't believe that yet again I was in a very serious health situation and was particularly gutted at having to rush to hospital and leave the children a couple of days before they were due to start school. As usual God, synchronisity and an amazing network of support ensured that the children were all cared for as Darren and I drove to Tauranga Hospital. After being referred on from Taupo Hospital we arrived at A & E at about 9pm last Tuesday and finally got to bed in the mens ward at 1 am the next morning. I felt right at home surrounded by 20 or so snoring males Darren included. (Yes they very kindly brought out the lazy boy for Darren as it was too late to find a motel). Just like a big sleepover over celebration I whispered as we both tried to see the humour in our situation. You don't normally have to look too far. The next day they operated and were 1/2 sucessful. The right stent was a bit stuck so this is still a issue. The left stent was successfully changed. It is now a week down the track and my renal function has really returned to normal. Thank God. I am now being referred to a gastroentologist as I am still not processing food normally. Nausea and vomiting occur most days and this is having a continued effect on my weight. Yes it hovers around 43. Hopefully this specialist I am seeing next Tuesday may shed some light on this. About 24 hours after being discharged from hospital I had some swelling in my left leg, a suspected DVT (Deep vein thrombosis). At this point, it was Friday night and I was bathing Grace. I noticed this stiffness in my leg and looking down was shocked to see how swollen it was. Prior to this I had received a phone call from my doctor saying that an urgent nafrostomy of my right kidney was necessary that due to my renal function still being too high. So here I stood in the bathroom holding Grace's damp little body in a towel faced with fears I had promised myself would not eventuate. A bag for my urine and as I looked at my leg I realised this too probably meant another visit to hospital. I think this would've been one of my most fearful down moments, where I felt frozen in this body and felt like screaming 'What is happening to me?' Instead I cuddled Grace took a deep breath and found Darren. We made a plan that I would elevate the leg and seek help and that he would try and get the kids to bed. It was going to be one of those nights. Anyway to cut a long story short - I do need to do that as we could all be here for a very long time the suspected DVT turned out to be a false alarm. Fluid retention and lymph nodes were instead blamed come Monday when a pelvic/ leg ultrasound was performed. Between that night and Monday I went up to the hospital every 12 hours for a blood thinning injection to keep everything stable. The nafrostomy was put on hold and as it turned out by Monday afternoon my new set of bloods showed an amazing improvement in kidney function. Yet again I have put off any further surgery- I pray this continues. All of this leaves me very grateful that with each day I am feeling alot better. The last couple of weeks have knocked me around. 2 weeks ago I went horse back riding with family - today I am not quite up to that but I will be. I can see that I need to be patient and accepting and grateful - always grateful for each breath I take. For the amazing support that never ceases - love really doesn't tire! - this is the truth. I am very grateful for the love I have in my life.

From my heart to yours....	Sat 19th January 2008 20:51
Hey everyone, Finally I feel ready and able to update you all. I would like to start by thanking you all for the constant stream of love and support. I know for some of you it is difficult when I do not write for a while particularly since the point and time when the cancer returned a few months ago. I cannot promise you my words will necessary reassure you and I have realized that it is important that this not be my intention either. This journal that I share with you needs to be a record that I willingly and lovingly share and if I am honest I have learnt that I do feel some level of responsibility for everyone of you. As I have become more and more honest with myself and clear in my thoughts and feelings I have learnt so much. One thing (and I am sure many of you can relate to this) is that I often take responsibility for others thoughts and feelings. I have always felt this was a caring or loving aspect part of my nature. But I am learning that it is actually me trying to be in control and I do this out of fear. Fear of not being accepted and loved, fear of not being believed in. As I have become aware of this I am learning how to relate to myself and others only from a place of love, what a weight this is from my shoulders. My faith helps enormously as Jesus is an amazing teacher how to love others with absolutely no strings attached. As I do this more and more life becomes easy. So with each passing day I'd say my life is becoming easier - more full, more peaceful, more content. Now there is the matter of the cancer. Nothing is easy about having cancer. Cancer is most definitely hard, hard, hard, hard! It is hard on so many levels and probably being at its hardest in the last few months. Especially over my time in China. I had to face the cancer and treatment pretty much on my own and I was scared - alot. I didn't just have a few dark hours, there were days of despair, where again, on many levels my prognosis was very bleak. Especially over Christmas time. David the doctor looking after me decided to send me home early due to grave concerns that I required a blood transfusion and that my kidneys were very close to failing. Throughout these dark days and nights my sister Gina arrived, the children continued to be happy and content and Darren held onto the truth and light for me. I could and would get through this. I prayed consently and found it easy to thank God for the light he sent to brighten my darkness. Although physically very weak I still held this knowing deep down that it was within me to turn this situation around. One of the first decisions I made was to stop treatment over Christmas and bar a couple of sessions I pretty much stopped all treatment from that time on. I needed to find my voice, my smile, my power and listen to it. When we were told that my kidney situation was not good and that I would require a 'Nafrostomy' we booked the next flight home. Not so I could have this procedure as it did not ring true to me that this would be necessary. I did however feel it was time to come home and have the kidney test required. It was time to come home, rest and rebuild. By the time we landed in Auckland I felt time 10 times better then when we left 12 hours prior. 24 hours later I was convinced that my haemoglobin had risen to 100 and that I no longer would require a transfusion. Funnily enough 2 days later much to my doctors surprise it had risen from 81 to exactly 100 (normal is 116 to 140). I had 2 renal scans with showed my right kidney to be lagging but not in any immediate danger and my left kidney to be normal. And thats all praise to God... he gets the credit for that one (actually he gets the credit for all of them) I begged that I be shown what it was that I needed to do to heal and that my kidneys be O.K. I asked for a break for myself, Darren and the children. We needed time to rebuild, after the enormity of our trip to China. So thats what we are doing. Upon arrival back in Taupo a few days ago a friends offered us their beach house in Ohope for a few days. We packed our bags very simply this time (I'm getting good at that) and are having an amazing time. I have not resumed any treatment since Christmas and at this stage not even taking supplements. I was reading the story of David and Goliath to the children and I felt very strongly that God was asking me to stop analysing completely and to trust in him completely, as David did when he took off his armour to face the giant. Rather than believe I will heal, I believe I am healed. I believe that there are still some physical symptoms manifesting that like a runaway train continuing to display themselves, yet slowing down and stopping over time. I will not be having any tests and further treatment at this time. I pray and meditate and continue to ask that I listen to my inner voice and follow that advise. This is what feels right at this point of time. This website for me is no longer about Tiffany and her cancer (I don't know if it strictly ever has been). For me its about sharing my own personal journey and finding myself and the great thing is it is also about all of you too. For me it is about the power of love and how when we truly connect to this it can comfort any amount of suffering and light the darkest of places. From my heart to yours, Tiffany

Ask and you shall receive	Mon 17th December 2007 10:16
Hi everyone finally an update from Shanghai, China. A difficult one to write as everyone of the 24 days we have now spent here has been filled with a wealth of stories and experiences along with a very mixed bag of emotions. Shanghai is a city so full, full of extremeties and is in everyway in stark contrast to Taupo. While Darren and I struggle to adapt the children amazingly teach us the very essence of adaption, total acceptance rather than judging or comparing our situation and therefore having to then come up with a 'good', 'bad' or 'somewhere inbetween' IT JUST IS. It just is that we are here in Shanghai. It just is that the smog is so thick that the blue sky becomes a rarity along with the stars at night. Look, a star in China Josh and Nathaniel both cried in delight one night while taking an evening walk. So much for them is different. Our apartment is very small and has no garden - at home they spend most of there day exploring 2 acres of greenery. Here the grass is sectioned off and as a rule cannot be walked on. English is barely spoken so their family have become everything without there usual friends, relatives, teachers and significent others in there life. We are now all of these things to each other. Less in our roles and more ourselves I believe we are all learning to give of ourselves and look after ourselves in this both intense and intimate environment. Again Grace has no problem looking after herself obviously I mean this in an emotional sense, she has the ability to convey what she needs and not feel any guilt or shame about this. This was really highlighted in the last couple of days. Grace, Nathaniel and I have all been hit by quite a bad tummy bug. Grace is completely at peace and especially content when being held by either Darren or I. She has clearly conveyed that need. I in contrast struggle to be 'sick' and hate to take myself off to bed in the middle of the day. Not because bed is an unattractive place. I know instinctively that this is what I need but have issues (all my own) with leaving Darren and the children to benefit myself. I wonder who will heal from the tummy bug more quickly? By the way those issues/expectations come from me. One day I was confined to bed and the hardest thing for Darren was that he felt torn between looking after both his girls (his words). Alot of love, no resentment and at times not quite enough of him to go around as for the boys totally accepting and probably enjoying one too many rounds of Tom and Jerry. Often in the past we have been on family holidays that to me were the dream holiday lots of sun, the beach lazy days we often go for one to two weeks and always without fail no matter how fantastic a time we were having the children ask to go home they miss their friends their bikes .... what I find fasinating and very reassuring is that none of the children have asked about home or if they can go there. Other questions I would fully expect and never hear are 'Where are our friends', 'Rice again', 'I miss my bed', 'I miss my garden', 'Where is the sunshine' and yes the ultimate mentioned earlier..... 'Are we going home yet'. Amazingly they have also stopped asking questions like 'Are we there yet' when stuck in Shanghai rush hour. They are incrediably in the moment - content of that moment and when Darren and I can be there with them we too, share in that peacefulness which brings to mind a rather shitty moment (excuse the descriptive term) this story as you can gather by the previous sentence is of rather a pooey nature. If you find this offensive you may wish to skip to the end. We were travelling back after a wonderful day at YUAN gardens - a vibrant 'Must do'in Shanghai. Obviously others agreed as we along with many, many others were stranded trying to catch a taxi home. It was dark and cold and Nathaniel began to bounce around more than usual. This sort of hyperactivity usually means one thing. Sure enough he needed to poo. Not an easy task when out and about and an impossibility when in our situation. Darren and I desperatly tried to get Nathaniel to understand that 'less was more' in this situation and if he could try and stop moving he may beable to hold on till we got home or at least until we came up with a plan B. As many of you know Nathaniel has a history with tolieting disasters and family holidays. Many of you recall Sydney it may even have been a year ago to this night of Nathaniel's Myers (mall incident). As we were about to find out poor Nathaniel was not going to have his usual control and history was about to repeat itself. We had taken the children about an hour earlier to McDonalds in desperation for some western food and lets just say it is the first and last time we shall be visiting the Golden Archers this year. Nathaniel suddenly became very still and in a very meek voice said "I think I pooed my pants". Luckily we were very equipped with wipes etc with Grace so Darren quickly set off to find a dark bush and investigate only to come out and tell me it was O.K, he was all clear. We all breathed a sigh of relief and within moments hailed a cab. Nathaniel was asleep before we pulled away from the curb which was a bit of a concern as we wanted him still but not completly relaxed considering his current situation. It was a long trip home though and Nathaniel and Grace unrestrained (yes no seatbelts) in a Shanghai taxi tends to be a dynamic combination at the best of times. The botting and bouncing would definitly give Tigger a run for his money! So I decided to leave Nathaniel too sleep peacefully. I had my hands full with Grace sitting on my knee. Yes Darren had won the toss and had the front seat. We were about 1/2 way home with Gracey started to tell me in a very loud clear voice "Poos Mummy" I had changed her at McD's so I responded "No, No, No darling you have just done poos". Darren began to giggle in the front as we had just discussed earlier how we noticed in the back of the cab a notice how important cleanliness was. The Chinese have a habit of hoking anywhere and everywhere this was one of the many no nos listed on the notice. Therein lay the reason behind covering up all the seatbelts with a white sheet and the taxi drivers great distress at the children putting their feet on the seats. Only moments after reasurring everyone that Grace could not possibly do another, a warm sensation could be felt between my legs and around the base of my new jacket. Even in the dark I knew exactly what it it was. Grace had become very still and I said too Darren, quite relieved that the driver knew no English, "Oh S***". (Yes I don't use this word often but the situation definitly called for it). Grace had just pooed up and over her tights and trousers onto mine. By now Darren's giggle became a chuckle from the front seat. His suggestion? That I remain completely still and we would be home in no time. Luckily mine was a little more pracictal. I asked Joshua to reach down and get the wipes from the change bag. Poor Josh, he has witnessed some pretty horrible poo tragedies. Just as well they are documented if he decided to take them on with a counsellor later in life. Many wipes later I managed to scoop up the very runny poo. Grace seemed to understand that it was very important that she remained completely still throughtout the process. I neatly wrapped each pooey wipe with a clean one then stashed them in the waterproof pocket of the backpack. Darren, still highly amused suggested that I dispose of the dirty wipes out the window. Horrified at not only the suggestion but even more so that Darren thought it up I explained where I had put them saying "You are joking honey". Thats what I expected of course but no that really was Darren's best and only idea. Apparently it came from an experience him and Josh had a few days earlier where they were walking along the street along side a large solid wall. What should come flying over that wall and hit poor Josh on the head a bag of rather undesirable rubbish (of the pooey kind). Despite Darrens desperate suggestion the wipes remained in my bag and upon arrival at home it was baths all round and yes by the way sleepy Nathaniel did need one! His 'father's look' was not the most through. The taxi driver might not have spoken English but surly ones sense of smell is international. Poor Nathaniel and Grace did end up with diarrhoea throughout the night but luckily they were short lived scenarios. Generally we are all doing well and no despite the challenges of living here we are in the right place at this time. I would like to share with you an email that I sent to Sam a few weeks ago. He asked me the question what did you ask for? At the time and for a few days I was unable to answer but in the end was able to do so by email. On September 23rd last year the same question entered my head as it had about 8 weeks earlier when walking with a friend. Prior to knowing about the cancer I had asked for certain things in my life. These all came rushing back as I wrote this very emotional email which I now feel ready to share with you all. Here'tis.... Hi Sam, Ask and you shall receive. What did I ask for is a question you asked me the other day, immediately a flood of emotions and answers came and completly overwhelmed me. I asked for everything I am receiving now and the realisation of that was/is shocking. I still feel overwhelmed and find the emotions to be so strong that I struggle to wade through them, see past them to some clarity of thought. I have a deep desire though to answer that question. I asked that my life not be ordinary. I asked that I discover the 'Real Tiffany' I asked that I and others beable to SEE her. I asked that my children 'VOICE' and that they too be real and authentic..... I asked that our family have a sense of purpose, that we make a difference in the world. I asked that I make a diffenence in the world. I asked that I become certain about my past and life and that I be given the opportunity to follow this path. I asked (and this is a tough one) that my children see suffering and those that go without and so they could appreciate the abundance of gifts in their lives. I asked that I discover true love (I knew I did not have that) so I thank-you. What I have asked for I have received. I now ask for complete healing of cancer. I ask for the ability to forgive and understand and see other in myself MORE. I am thankful again for the openenss I am feeling and the fragility that goes with it. I am thankful for the AMAZING people in my life who radiate warmth and love. I am thankful for my acceptance for my sadness and my hurt and I ask for this sadness and hurt to be healed. I ask for a healthy robust body that has the energy and ability to help others BELIEVE. In Jesus name AMEN (felt the need to add that for some reason). Love to you Sam, Tiffany. Think I might finish up there. As Christmas is literally just around the corner I do truly love you all and will miss you terribly over Christmas. But as I have said many times over this update I know that we are in the right place despite the pain I feel when I think of you all. I am checking the messages and emails and printing them off for Darren to read so thanks for your loving messages and support. Your lights definitly help keep mine going. God bless Tiffany P.S Upon comtemplating this update it is in my heart that the dirtiness and lack of vibrancy in this city has no reflection on the people that live here. Despite the language barrier I have managed to connect with many Chinese people who have opened their hearts to myself, Darren and the children. There are certain traits the Chinese hold and one is there love for children. There is no quicker way to a mother's heart or clearer compression of a persons heart by the way they relate to the purest of pure our children.

	Sat 15th December 2007 20:36
Update coming soon

Shaghai here we come!	Sun 18th November 2007 23:05
'A journey of a thousand miles begins with but a single step.' Tomorrow evening we take that next step and fly out to Shanghai. I haven't really thought much beyond that. We have made the obvious preparations - the bags are packed, visas sorted ...... but as far as what tomorrow holds, well I'll find that out tomorrow. It really is one day at a time and quite often within my day... one hour - one moment at a time. The present moment is a great place to be. I am surrounded by family. We (the 5 of us) are staying with my sister Lisa and her family. There is an abundance of love surounding us all. I feel completely at peace. I am able to just 'be' knowing - trusting, that tomorrow will take care of itself. Its funny how these cliche sayings pop into my head and I have a real 'Aha' moment with them. I have known, heard, spoken that saying and many, many others ( I have always had a liking for sayings) however it is only in realising that I am experiencing the essence of it, that it really blows me away. I have absloutely no concerns or expectations about tomorrow, the next day or the day after that. I no longer have a set date in my heart of when I will get well and I no longer feel the need to make promises I can't keep up or control the future. An example of one of these promises is that I promised Joshua about 2 months ago I would swim with him on his birthday. He was crying one night - sad and fearful about me going to hospital for the planned reversal. His sadness and anxiety triggered my own. I wanted to fix the situation - change his feelings to more happy, carefree ones. I wanted to make it better! So I said that one of the great things about me having the reversal op was that, with no colostomy bag, I would be free to do so much more with him again and wouldn't it be terrific fo us to go swimming together. I then made a promise and said we'd go swimming together on his birthday which was one month after the scheduled op. One of the first things I said to Wayne a few days later - when he found the lump was "What am I going to say to Josh? I promised we'd go swimming for his birthday. That it would be all over by then". Now as I look back I realised my promise had been made from fear. The desperate need to control my future, his future, my feelings, his feelings. Through this latest experience (that many refer to as a set back) I have learnt to trust and live purely in the moment!To accept that moment for what it is.To turn and face it, then embrace it no matter how painful. I know that one day Josh and I will swim together again, which by the way can be done with a colostomy just not a PlCC line (my latest accessory). It is the details of when, how and where that I do not know and nor do I need to, I realise, these details merely clog up my mind distracting me from what is important and life giving. I now choose to hold Josh through his sadness, uncertaintiy and fear as I do with the other children. Often it triggers my own similar feelings but knowing I can't fix it I just 'be'with it. I find these moments to be sacred as they are moments where our love (Gods love) is all we have and that is enough. Rather than feel responsible for anyone elses feelings I hand them over to God, knowing his shoulder is big enough for us all to lean on. I know HE knows what our journey to China is all about. I have let go of needing to know/ plan/ control/ set goals, for our time there. It will be exactly as it is meant to be. For those of you who are interested in details I do not have many to share. I know that I will be at the hospital every morning from 8am to 12pm and will receive a variety of chinese and modern treatments mainly with the intention of boasting my immune and addressing any bodily deficiencies, that at a physical level, my be hindering my healing. I will rejoin Darren ande the children in the afternoons and we will also have the weekends off. The treatments as far as I am aware, are not debilitating so I anticipate having the time, energy and good health to enjoy being with my family and exploring this new place. Before speaking with David ( the doctor I am going to see) I was fairly certain that I would not be going anywhere else for treatment especially not China.I was enjoying the beautiful spring weather in Taupo and the peaceful setting at home. Nathaniel was loving his first few weeks at school and Josh was growing and blossoming under the amazing care of his teachers. Grace and I were having fabulous one on one time together. Darren was very excited (like off the scale excited) about his vege patch and the first strawberries were nearly ready. The thought of going to a place like Shanghai at the beginning of their winter for Josh's 7th birthday, Grace's 2nd and Christmas, was not on my TO DO list. I said to Darren I would remain open to David being able to possibly help but that he would need to be 'bloody convincing' for me to even entertain the thought of going all the way to China. I felt like dispite our latest news, I had everything I needed. Darren reminded however, it was important to remain open. I promised to do so. That night ( two weeks ago) Darren and I had a 3 way conversation with Dr David Spall in China. It was the first time we were to speak with him and it lasted 1 1/2 hours. I got off the phone with a heavy heart as I realised what my heart was telling me to do. A part of me had been hoping and expecting that Dr Spall from China, would have nothing really to offer. That I would not need to make any more decisions or major changes. I realised the reason my heart was heavy was because it was telling me to go and I didnt really want to. I was over making decisions and felt tired and overwhelmed. Did I really have the energy for this? Well the answer to that was yes. I found that once I handed the fear and worries over it was quite simple. If I followed my heart and asked Darren to do the same we both realised that this man David had been put in our path and China it was. For some reason, as yet pretty much unknown, we are being asked as a family to go to a strange country far away. With our little book of words on the language of Madarin, three hastly packed bags, one juicer and a box full of medical supplies ( I have had a PICC line inserted so IV medicines can be administered) we are now off for approx. 7 weeks. More important than the items above, we have each other. Our 'fantistic fivesome' ready to face the unknown with open hearts and big smiles (I'm sure these will bridge that language barrier perfectly). Grateful for the blessing of each other and the blessing of our friends and family. I know you will all travel with us. Love to you all Tiffany xx

Believe	Thu 8th November 2007 12:46
For many years I said the word "Amen" after every prayer in a rote manner, I remember the day I learnt what it meant. I found it then to be a very powerful world. Its meaning "I believe" It carried not only power but a challenge everytime I said it. I begun to own the words I said. So as I write my update to you it is always my challenge to own my words,to write from my heart - from a place of love not fear. On Wednesday the biopsy results came back and to our surprise and disappointment they proved to be cancerous. After a few phone calls between the Sydney and Auckland doctors it has been decided that nothing more medically can be done to help me. They believe the cancer to now be completely incurable and that any treatment would be not only risky but ineffective. They believe it has now affected both my kidneys and several lymph nodes around this area. The medical prognosis means we are back to square one, with 0 % chance of survival. I will not believe this. There is no Amen attached to that statement. There is however alot of emotion attached to this latest development. I received this news at 2pm on Wednesday and within moments was in a place that was dark and frightening.A place without joy or love or hope. A place where I was very small and the cancer very big. I held no power there. I was frightened and completely alone. I knew this was not a place to stay. Over the next couple of hours beams of love and light entered my darkness and invited me to look up and beyond.These came from people in my life who were able to remain still and in a place of love despite my turmoil. They helped me to not only focus on the moment and find beauty and happiness in the NOW, but to trust that we as a family would continue to be looked after. That I could ask for more. That I could be bigger than the cancer. I believe,in asking that I will receive, as I have done in abundance over the past year. I have received more love than I could ever imagine possible and as a result have experienced great joy. So where to from here? It appears as though the battle has not quite been won yet. I am enjoying meditating. I light candles - one for each member of our family. As I focus on these lights burning brightly I pray that I can be blessed with time. Time to be there on Graces 1st day of school. I see myself helping Grace dress into her uniform for the first time, doing her hair and then walking hand in hand into her classroom. I then do the same thing with each of these lights. This helps me to find my "I can and I will".I know God being a loving father is there as he always will be.I know he wants me to find my 'I can' and will watch over me as I do so, but that he will not do it for me. I believe when it all gets too hard and yes that happens pretty regularly at the moment , I can rest in his arms. This latest development has reminded me though, that my healing is my responsibility and as much as I would love to hand it over at times , I cant. It is now a very clear path. I know many of you would love to help and are not sure what to do or say. I would love for you all to think, pray, meditate for me and the children from a place of love not fear. When those fearful , negative, I cant - she cant, thoughts come in, I invite you to challenge them and picture me as Tiffany - full of health and vitality. Some visulizations of me out there swimming with the kids without the bag would be good (The reversal op will happen by the way when the cancer has gone) I told Wayne I'd see him in a few months for that.)Most of all when you think of me I would ask that you see me as Tiffany - a fully healthy person who is cancer free. May you all be blessed with health and happiness. Amen xx P.S. This is the p.s. of p.s's. Small news flash. We have decided to go to China for some treatment that is not available elsewhere. We will be leaving in a week or 2, for 6 weeks. Life is full of surprises. Shanghai for Christmas. OUr lives have become like the amazing race. zaijian (Goodbye in Manderin)

Kidneys all good!	Fri 26th October 2007 22:19
Yet again I am blessed that the timing has worked perfectly for me. Todays operation went well. As I hugged Darren goodbye and changed into the lovely operating attire I handed it all over to God trusting that I was well looked after. The surgeons had scheduled 1 hour and as it happened the op. took 2 hours. The base of the ureters was more blocked than previously thought and it took a lot longer to free them up. The urologist felt if they had left it another week he would not have been able to get the stents through. This would've meant another bag so as you can imagine I am incredibly grateful. Another bag is definitely an accessory I could do without. Wayne was able to take quite a few tissue samples so hopefully by next Tuesday/Wednesday we will be closer to knowing what this 'thickening' is. I am at home (my sisters Lisa's house) and feeling great. Yes the drugs are probably helping but these have not given me my sense of peace. My peace has come from the overwhelming feeling of love and hope that continues to surrounded myself, Darren and the children. Thankyou for sharing this hope. Your loving messages help to remind me of this, keep me focused on that which I can change. I picked up the serenity prayer recently. It sits in the office by the computer in a discreet place as although a beautiful prayer the frame it is in is not the most attractive. Thus Darrens reluctance to hang it in a prominent place. I will sign off with it. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Love and God Bless Tiffany xx

Dare to imagine!	Thu 25th October 2007 22:45
"Yet against the backdrop of the pervasive dread of cancer. there is a persistent tap-tap-tapping in the night - those cases in which cancer just goes away. A proclamation nailed to doctors doors declaring 'Cancer is not uniformily fatal; there is always hope; re-evaluate your attitude; dare to imagine" I know there are many of you waiting to hear the results from my latest MRI. I wanted to share with you all from a place of desire rather than duty. However my heart space is rather fragile right now. It is strong enough for me to focus on what I need to do and be responsible for holding my own power, rather than giving in to fear but there is not alot extra. So rather than update personally I would like to share with you an email I sent to a friend and her response. I feel by sharing this communication it not only gives you all a physical update but more importantly an insight to where I, Tiffany, am. Hi ........ Thank you for talking with me the other day, it was incredibly helpful. I have taken so much of what we talked about and used it over the past few days. The MRI was inconclusive. The surgeon still thinks it is probably tumor as it has spread and has now affected a few more lymph nodes. That again is an assumption that is based on his understanding of the information. He did say he has never seen a body like mine that has been through such extensive surgery and localized chemo. The immediate problem for him is my kidneys, both are partially blocked by whatever it is so I am having an operation on Friday to put 2 stents into each of the ureters leading to my kidneys. They will also biopsy some tissue. We should have the results from the biopsy by next Tues/Wed, will let you know. Better go, we are up early to travel back up to Auckland as a family. I had a great day today after speaking with Sam briefly this morning. I seem to need my ability to heal mirrored for me at the moment and today I GOT why not many people can do that. Its not that they don't believe in me ( as I originally thought) its that the don't believe in themselves, in their own power to heal. So of course it is difficult or nearly impossible for them to reach with me to a better, brighter space as they cannot see it. That feels really good to finally really!!!!! get that. So thank you for helping me see!!!!! Loads of love, Tiffany xxx (Her Reply) Tiff. I totally agree with the knowledge that others can only show us the truth in ourselves that they KNOW in themselves!!! Now....."I see you as sitting at your first born's graduation with a giant smile. I see you holding the hand of your little girl as she tells you about her first kiss. I see you telling many they can dare hope beyond the worlds ways and believe in the power of love as God's memory for us to go back home when we leave this difficult journey. I will hold the space of my truth with a bold daring!!!It's a goddamn cyst!!! Go to your kidneys and see them as totally functioning. And.... I refuse to see anything less. Refuse with me. Meditate on love not fear. Gather groups of believers to you and meditate together. FOCUS wellness. Jesus said, "Where 2 or more are gathered in my name. ( Holy Spirit), there I will be. " Gather them for healing and everyone will be raised to a higher level. In my life, in order to have support, I have been the teacher of knowledge I have gained to have it given back to me. Dare Tiff, dare to defy a world that believes only in itself. Everything the world creates, rusts rots decays and dies. Not so that which is given over to spirit. Remember, A MIRACLE IS ONLY A CRACK IN DENIAL. I know you are scared and tired, the final mile of the race is always the hardest, right? Lean...I will carry you for awhile. Lean... let a greater truth be yours. Lean on the strong shoulder of love. Every morning ask God to show you who can carry his word for you that day and listen carefully. Hope will come from the darndest places. I have such fun with this one. And... if you decide it is time to leave, honor that but never see yourself as a failure for you are THE MESSAGE, and as that instrument the messenger holds the complete story. Which by the way can be rewritten at our request!!! "I say, okay, I will go out and teach about Domestic Violence because I am an expert however, I damned well do not want ot experience it again or see it in my loved ones!!! DEAL?? I love you.( End of reply) I feel peaceful about tomorrows surgery. I am taking my own music in. Wayne said it was ok as long as it was condusive to a working environment. So the Heavy metal is out, just as well I had an easy listening back up. Its not all alternative apparently the 'blue gown' has to stay! Heres to reaching for the blue beyond the cloud together. My love to you all, Tiffany xx

Bugger!	Thu 18th October 2007 21:56
Hi everyone. Not so great news. Yesterday I went to see Wayne for a pre op check and upon examaning me he found a lump that he is pretty certain is tumour. I am feeling very sad about this and dont feel quite up to my usual update. Both he and I were very shocked as I feel and look so well. Next weeks op has been cancelled and I have been booked for an MRI on Tuesday. There is` a very small chance that it may not be a tumour so we will try to make this our focus for the next few days. We have told the boys and they have been incredible. We will travel together to Auckland as a family for this test and will update you all as soon as possible. I know there must be a reason for this and we have been here before so as Darren has reminded me, we can do it again. Yet again I am reminded that although I had next Friday as the finish line we are never in control of what tomorrow might bring. The only thing we can be certain of is today and today as I look at my beautiful children and my amazing husband, I realise how blessed I am. And so I am reminded 'Prayer is a cry of gratitude and love, in the midst of trial as well as joy' Love to you all,Tiffany

Finally a date !	Sun 14th October 2007 20:47
My reversal operation will be happening on Friday 26th October but rather than with the Prof in Sydney I have requested that it happen in Ascot Hospital in Auckland with Wayne Jones (my original surgeon). This is my second update. The first was an attempt (and a lengthy one at that) to inform you of my 'story'( in regards to this latest choice ) and therefore convince you that I have made the right decision. But as I wrote it, it didn't feel right. Rather than coming from my heart it was totally from my head and completely from a place of fear. I figured if I explained enough you would agree with me that I'd made the right decision and I would avoid any raised eyebrows or contrary opinions or judgements. The reason it didn't feel right was that I am no longer comfortable in a world where I am afraid of being misunderstood, judged and not accepted. Sooooooo.... I stopped writing ( I was up to 6 pages ) and will now try and express myself from a place of love, from my heart, because that's where my latest decision came from. On Friday I spoke to the Prof - yes it was amazing to get through to him personally and I now realise it was meant to be. We had a very brief conversation that was devoid of any care, compassion, love or concern. It is very tempting at this point not to go into the storyline because I know if were to tell you in a "he said", "she said" fashion you would probably be horrified and think 'no wonder Tiff's not going back there'. However, then I would still be a victim becuase I would be relying on my 'story' to receive acceptance or approval, rather than keeping the focus on myself and my needs and wants. I would be making it about somebody else. This isn't about anybody else. It's not about blaming or excusng, justifying or 'what-iffing' (yeah I know that's not a word). It's about me finding my power and taking responsibility for my own healing. On Friday I realised as I got off the phone and cried that I, at that moment, had lost my power and felt like a complete victim. I needed to find 'my want' becuase I knew I could have - as anyone can - have whatever I wanted. I could choose to take my power back so I did. I realised that I had been wanting in my heart to have this operation with Wayne and was going to Sydney becuase I felt like I should do/had to. I was doing it out of fear. Fear that was given to me by the team in Sydney. They were preparing for the worst case scenario and talked about this as if it were expected. They quoted figures, dates etc that all included this worst case scenario taking place. When Darren asked how long I would be in hospital, the reply was "prepare for 3 weeks" (I wasn't even in there 3 weeks after the December op). When Wayne asked about the scan results they said "clear but if we need to we'll take the kidney"... and so it went on. In contrast when I spoke with Wayne he reminded me how young and strong I am and that yes, complications were possible, but that he EXPECTED things to go very well with a 5 to 6 day hospital stay. Every time I thought about going back into the complete care and control of the Sydney medical team, I felt afraid and completely disempowered. I felt they saw the cancer rather than me. When I day dreamed about how this op could be with Wayne I felt safe and cared for. I know he sees Tiffany first and foremost. Soooooo .... Long story short, I stopped crying. I had found my want and the next step was to ring Wayne and see if it was possible. So I did and he responded saying he'd be delighted and honoured. He explained that the op would not be without risk, in fact his experience with this particular operation is limited. Actually to be truthful he has never done this exact sort of procedure before. Yes, I will be his first. He has done plenty of colostomy rversals, just not on someone who has had so much removed. I have taken this into account and after discussing it with Darren and Wayne, know that I am still in the best hands possible. This is where the easy/hard bit comes in. The easy part is to now listen to my gut instinct, that intuitive voice. That's pretty much unavoidable these days. The difficult part is my ego. That constantly brings forward feelings of fear and doubt. "What if there still is cancer? and once you say no to the Prof, that's it. What if the reversal is not successful? there's no way the Prof will do it after Wayne. You'll have blown your only chance". Yes those are the words my ego speaks and if I allow it to, I can end up not only confused ad scared, but completely disempowered with a 'what do I know anyway' attitude. In the past there was no contest. My ego pretty much always won. These days my ego still manages to stir up some trouble but my heart wins out. And that's where the difficult part returns. It's not a 100% win that is resolute and 24/7. It's more of a knowing that's still kind of small but despite it's size, is very steadfast. My heart can stand it's ground and recognise the truth. It's more about taking steps (no matter how shaky) towards this knowing without being able to rationalise it fully. Trusting that the outcome will be perfect for me. I will let you all know what time the op will be next week sometime. God Bless You All. Tiffany. P.S. Michelle will be coming over for a month to help care for the children again. We will need accommodation in Auckland from next Wednesday 24th October. If any of you have any ideas at all in regards to this please let us know. We need to sleep 7 people. A space i.e. garden for the children would be great. It needs to be fairly close to Ascot Hospital in Greenlane. 10 min drive if poss.

Mind - Body - Spirit	Wed 10th October 2007 18:35
Science and medicine would have us believe that we as beings are little more than clever composition of cells with an intellect that ranges from the very ordinary to the extraordinary. Yes the mind-body connection is the ‘click word’ of our time. Our spirit is so covered over and neglected that it is long forgotten by many so is often not even there as a minority voice. It therefore has little or no chance of being voted in. Yet without spirit there is no love. Without love, there can be no healing. One thing that unites us all is as important as the oxygen we breathe is the love that we do or do not receive. Mind-Body-Spirit is what makes us whole – take any of those away and we are no longer whole. All would agree that without our body – our heart beat, we cannot 'be' in this world. And for many, this is where they solely operate particularly when confronted with illness. They see it as purely physical and often a battle begins, to beat or cure. Some and this number is growing, believe that the mind has a major effect on health. Science has proven what previously could not be seen. Stress and many other emotions and behaviours have a direct, physiological impact, on our health. This ‘knowing’ could be felt by people since the beginning of time but until it was proven that stress produced quartizone, that then lowers our immune system many people were not prepared to believe it. The tension headache, the quickening of heartbeat and queaziness in my stomach are nature’s way of telling me something is wrong. Why when this mind/body connection has been with us since birth, do we need science to firstly give us permission and secondly tell us how to use it, to improve our health? And still... it is incredible to think there are many scientists, doctors and surgeons who are still dealing with peoples health purely on a physical level, completely ignoring the contribution of the mind. Is it that the medicine and healing power of the mind, is abundant and completely free? It is that it is an independent, resource available to every one and completely self sufficient? Would we rather keep people in control and fear by simply dishing out the medicine making it available only to the chosen few? Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Despite the alarming number of people that operate purely on a physical level many/most would agree that without our minds (like our bodies) we are not whole-fully alive. Through nature we see so many animals with minds/brains much simpler/smaller than our own, who use their intellect to survive, yet we as humans, with comparatively a much larger more sophisticated mind, are dying, without using our own intellect and potential to ensure we survive. We then come to the third element of our being – SPIRIT. Interestingly spirit in our world gets the least recognition and cudos, yet out of all the three elements this is the only one that most people agree never dies. It is there for the most resilient. We begin as spirit and once our mind and body are no longer, we return to spirit. Most people believe in the concept of our spirit, even if they have no personal knowing of it. There is a misconception, in that our spirit is 'unknown' and what we do not ‘know’ often scares us.So we judge it as not important, irrelevant or 'out there' because we do not understand. The ironic thing is that this is the one part of our being that never changes, that we do deep within ourselves, know! Our bodies change and our minds change but our spirit is whole, complete and constant from the very beginning. I used to think 40 was really old and how would I be when I was 40? Now I am 36, I know that I will feel no different at 40 than I did at 20, as far as who I am. My awareness of myself and the learning and growth that comes from that, will have changed and developed, but I Tiffany, will still be the same. Hopefully I will be alot closer to ‘knowing’ who Tiffany is. I think we can all relate to this ageless spirit and we often think as our bodies age,that we still feel young inside, thus the expression 'young at heart'. When we enter the world we are totally connected to our spirit but do not have the mind or body development to articulate ourselves in words. You often hear people say when they look at a baby and the baby just stares back ‘Wow this little one has a knowing look’ and that's because they do ‘know’. They know who they are and where they have come from. Unfortunately the world helps us to cover up this knowing, with their fear. We are taught to listen to other voices rather than our own, so rather than lose our power, it just gets covered over with no’s, cant’s, should’s and shouldnt’s. So we move from a being that is peaceful and completely at ease in their 'own skin' to a person who doubts, judges and compares themselves to others often looking outside of themselves for comfort, reassurance and love.A person often with alot of dis-ease, very unsure about who they are and the worth they hold. A newborn doesn’t roll or gurgle or grad at an object to impress us. They just ‘know’ how to grow and develop and with love and acceptance, do this perfectly, without any help or modelling. It is only when these basics (love and acceptance) are taken away, if even just for a moment, that this small being, learns fear. In the absence of love there can only be fear and so the beginnings of dis-ease develop. These manifest themselves as illness, letting us know something is wrong, in the hope that we rectify the problem. The world sees the symptoms and treats these, much like putting a band aid on the child’s knee who has tripped on the uneven paving. Fix the paving and we no longer have a problem. The bandaid may stop the bleeding and cover up the wound so it is out of sight, out of mind. The wound then will probably heal but is likely to happen again if the source of the problem is not addressed. The uneven paving is easy to see and we can even ask someone ‘how’ to fix it. It is not always as simple or easy when rectifying dis-ease with in ourselves and there is no ten step programme. When our power and knowing is covered, we feel lost and just want someone to give us a map detailing the way out. We want a ten step programme. The problem is there is a reason why people continue to die of disease. This is no one size fits all. Our bodies can be categorized often into a certain size, shape, makeup, but not one of our spirits is the same. We will never find our truth within another person. It can only be found within ourselves. It is there for the taking within each of us and once found, can never be lost again. There is no map required and equally you will not find it by following some one elses path. So often we want to show others or better still, do it for them. We see them as being too lost, sick, weak to do it for themselves. So under the misguided label of love we attempt to control them. Come this way, do it like this… thus the frustration and resentment when people still die. They feel cheated and let down that the system or a certain person or product didn’t work for them. I know finally that as much as I wanted some one to take me along their path – fix me, cure me, save me... that I could no longer hand that responsibility over. The answer to my healing was within. The power was there and had always been there. As I go deeper and deeper the light within, shines more brightly, letting me know I am on the right track. And with this I heal. My spirit becomes lighter as I release the load and my body becomes heavier. Don’t worry it doesn’t happen to most people!!! (The body becoming heavier that is). I am now 49kg. I let go of any weight gain expectation a long time ago and as it begins to steadily increase, I am truly amazed and incredibly grateful. There is no question that if we use our mind, body and spirit as we once knew how, that we can be fully happy, fully healthy and fully whole!

A year to remember !	Mon 24th September 2007 16:12
A year ago today I awoke to the news that I had a year to live and that there was nothing anyone could do to change that. As I looked around the room at everybody's faces, fear and shock looked back at me. My eyes moved from one person to the next and my memory of those faces is as though it was yesterday. My gaze fell on Darren's face and if there is a look that defines love that was it. He held my gaze and I realised in that moment why this man was my husband, soul mate, best friend. The power I saw and felt gave me the knowing, the truth that he and I were bigger that the cancer. There was something that could be done. It was at that point that I turned to the others in the room and said "No. That is not going to happen. I am not going to die... I'm just not". As I reflect on the past year I feel so incredibly blessed for that day where I was shown the extent of my dis-ease (and the disease) and simultaneously within moments I was given the answer. What I needed to heal. The love that radiated out of not only Darren but out of my family and friends was the complete medicine and a miracle in the making. What a gift the last year has been as I have learnt how much MORE life has to offer. How WHOLE and ALIVE I can be and how happiness and contentment can become JOY. I prayed that by a year it would all be over. I was asking that within the year I would've done enough to have beaten or fixed the cancer. Well it looks as though the cancer is gone ( just one last operation to confirm that) but this journey is far from over. I thought nothing would make me feel more joyful that hearing the cancer was gone, so when I got the clear results from the scan and didn't feel this huge sense of joy, accomplishment or closure I felt confused. I though I was waiting for the Australian analysis. Now I have that ( yes they agree with the NZers that the scan looks clear) and still no extra elation from this news. So with 2 down there is 1 to go. The operation will be the final confirmation as to what has happened to the cancer. Then will I feel that complete elation like no joy I have ever felt? I don't know until that day comes and I am pretty sure I will feel very excited and blessed to be confirmed cancer and colostomy free (oh yes I will definitely be thrilled to have my intestines back in proper working order), but I do suspect it won't feel like it's all over as I wished and prayed for. I now know that the journey that I started a year ago will never be 'all over', I will never 'be done' or cross the finish line that for a long time I have been aiming for. The finish line is an illusion. You see my focus has changed. It was to rid myself of cancer- this horrible disease that threatened ny life. It now is to heal myself of the dis-ease within me that threatens not only my life, but my happiness, my wholeness, my light and my soul. The joy, peace and freedom that I have begun to feel as I heal and as my level of dis-ease reduces has made the cancer pale in comparison. And rather than a sudden influx of joy that descends upon me from an unknown source I am realising it is a process that involves the gentle uncovering of the joy that was always there, a little like the 'blue' of the sky. What stands between us and it, are the clouds that come and go. The clouds require movement to shift and sometimes if we stay static and there are alot of clouds we can forget the blue is there, shining brightly, waiting to be uncovered. The cancer took me by suprise a year ago - it was not causing my pain and I was completely unaware of its presence although immense (stage 4 and had metastised to a secondary location). I was though aware of the dis-ease in my life and that was affecting my happiness and causing pain. So it is no wonder that within days of my diagnosis I knew that although my body was under physical threat that it was not in the physical that I would find the cause or the cure.I had connected my knewly diagnosed disease with the dis-ease I felt deep within. I would like to share with you an extract from my first journal entry written a few days within being diagnosed. For a long time I have not even been able to read this for myself. I felt ashamed and completly unsure of my feelings and judged them to be ridiculous, unacceptable, over the top and even a little crazy. How often we judge what we cannot understand as if by judging it we can regain some of the power or rather 'control'we feel we have lost. So here goes..... 'Tonight is my first journal entry, 2 weeks and 2 days since this incredible journey began. Have been so positive 90% of the time but tonight I feel frightened. I don't know what I am frightened of..it isn't the disease so much but it is definitely a feeling of great dis-ease that builds and grows within me, confusing my thoughts as I feel my body tremble and begin to lose control. Dear Jesus help me to face this fear - I cannot help but sense its evil presence and grip on me, it has cold fingers that hold on and pull be down. To face this feeling is so terrifying I feel so weak and near collapse. My temperature raises my hands and legs shake and I feel sick to my stomach. I know I could make it all go away by switching on the TV or talking to a nurse about something else to distract me, picking up the phone. However this fear is such a part of me I am sure the cancer thrives on it and it needs to be beaten. I do not want to suppress it any longer. I want to understand it and overcome it so it no longer has such a powerful hold over me. Where does it come from and how can I make it go away? Only you know dear Jesus - this secret has been locked away for so may years - please let me be free of it!" So today I am not so much celebrating the likely disapperance of my disease but a knowing that I am healing and the power that is bringing to my life. Thankyou to all of you for being a part of that with me. Heres to believing without seeing and knowing that with the faith of only a mustard seed we can move mountains (or cancer)!P.S. Michelle, Den and Abby arrived on Saturday and are visiting for 9 days. They came to help us celebrate and the past year. They are sooooo great and we are all very happy to have them here. It is brilliant timing also as although we dont have a date for Sydney I have been told I wil be operated on in the private hospital and it wil be soon. Michelle will be surrogate mum to the children again while I am in hospital so it is nice for everyone to have this time to reconnect ( not that, that takes very long! )

The mother of all updates	Mon 17th September 2007 21:41
Why it has taken me over a week to share what is quite possibly the best news I have received to date on the progress (or lack of) of my cancer I am still not entirely clear. Like much of this journey the theme continues in that even my "best laid plans" are not my reality. I was certain that as the 1 year anniversary of my diagnosis (which was as most of you know 1 year) drew near, I would want to celebrate it with one huge party. And then to team it up with a CT scan and MRI that cannot detect cancer one would imagine the plan would definitely involve a fairly large celebration. Well, as usual my "feelings" have taken me by surprise but what is not so usual is that I am allowing my heart to lead completely and have asked my ego to take a backseat. So here it is. I have "known" I am healing for quite some time. I also knew that as I healed, the symptoms of that dis-ease (the cancer) would also heal. In the past month since arriving back from Maine I have felt exceptionally well and the weight gain and increase in fitness have been quite remarkable. So, as I said in my last update, when it came time to go back into the medical world and seek confirmation of my wellness, I felt very vulnerable. I chose to go on my own as I wanted to "feel" the whole experience, fear and all. I wanted to be fully present and knew if I was with someone else there might be a temptation for one of us to try and "caretake" the other as we often do in situations of intense emotion. So ... I had the CT scan knowing that I would receive the results pretty much straight away. I arrived at Ascot hospital, back for the first time in 10 months. As I walked in the main entrance the memories of that month I had spent there came flooding back. With a churning stomach and a heart beating a little faster than normal I walked through the main entrance very aware that I looked fit and well like the many others surrounding me. 10 months ago I had shuffled out of there stopping every few paces and as I remembered this I felt incredibly grateful at how much had changed. I filled out all the necessary forms and was given a blood test form that Wayne (my surgeon) had left for me. In the current health issues box he had written "signet ring cell adenocarcinoma in the past." As I read this my heart which had slowed down literally leapt for joy. It meant so much that he believd in me - that I could and had healed from this disease. Coming out of the CT scan a few hours later I asked the radiologist to call Wayne and ask him to come over to Ascot from Greenlane Hospital. They did this and as Wayne walked in I excitedly gave him a hug. He said he'd pop back once he'd met with the radiologist and looked at my scan. Fifteen minutes later he came back out, this time looking very sombre and avoiding any eye contact with me. He spoke with a nurse and they went in search of a room. I knew at that point the news was not great but felt confused - I was feeling brilliant. He returned a few moments later and motioned for me to follow him. He asked where Darren was and did I have anyone with me. This confirmed what I already felt - the news was not good. A part of me shut down at that moment and I became super cool bracing myself for any news. I could feel the armour descend upon me and I looked at Wayne and held his gaze. I was very aware of the dream like feeling and also aware of the strength I was portraying. As he explained what they found I asked him to write it down knowing I would struggle to remember the details later. My right kidney appeared to be in trouble. They had found a "thickening" at the base of the ureter. The ureter is a thin tube that runs from the kidney to the bladder. It was 3 to 4 times wider than it should be and Wayne felt sure the kidney would die without intervention. He was concerned the thickening may be tumour but this was unclear on the image. The other reason for it could be scar tissue as this area had now been operated on three times. He felt it was 50:50. He also was concerned about some slightly enlarged lymph nodes. He was however pretty sure that the abdomen was clear as were my chest and lungs and said this was a very good sign. He said I would need to see a urologist about the kidney and that an MRI would hopefully clarify if what they were seeing was cancer. He made a booking for the next day and said it would be Thursday before he could ring me with the results. I gave him a hug as I left telling him it was going to be okay. He looked at me so sadly and said, "But it is a bit of a shock isn't it?" He then suggested as he had earlier that we remain positive until the results came through as there was nothing that could be done. I agreed and walked out a little shakier than the confident woman who had pretty much skipped in only hours earlier. I was yet again reminded how quickly things can change. I knew Darren was waiting for me to call and it was with a heavy heart I dialled his number, so wanting to give him the news we had expected. Was this going to be the story of my life? Looks well, feels well, dies anyway. A morbid sounding thought I know, but fear does not do "the glass is half full" and it is a robber of hope. As he answered I could hear the children in the background. Giving him the news was hard. I knew we both had become acccustomed to receiving bad news well, so Darren's positive response came as no surprise. He told me what great news it was that the abdomen looked clear and that the kidney was no big deal ... Listening to him helped quieten the fearful voice within me and by the time I hung up my hands had stopped shaking which was probably a helpful thing as I'm now a bit of a country girl when it comes to central Auckland traffic during peak hour. I would hate to tarnish my clean driving record. I'm sure someone told me they replenish those every seven years and yes the last seven years have definitely been pretty much drama free on the driving front. In fact I think any insurance company would take me back on now (there was a time when I had to shop around!). Anyway, I had dinner with my sisters and girlfriends that evening and it was not until I tried to get to sleep that night that my attention focused on to the impact that today's news could have on Darren and my three beautiful children. It was 10.30pm, I was picking Sam (Dr. Sam) and Sharon up from the airport at 5.30am. I set the alarm for 5am but I needn't have worried, for rather than sleep I dozed. Fear had definitely crept in and I spent the night drifting off only to awaken to a feeling of panic quickly followed by thoughts of the children. As I prayed to God I again asked him to show me what I needed to do to heal. It was a different prayer to that which I had during sleepless nights back when I was first diagnosed. Then I had prayed for a miracle, asking God to heal me and save my family and especially children from the trauma of losing their mother. I asked for him to be compassionate. Now I know he is always compassionate, always loving, but is not in the business of dishing out miracles to the few chosen ones. I couldn't understand why we kept getting bad news, why I felt I would be healed and then awoke in Sydney to intensive care with a colostomy to boot. Somewhere at some point I realised that my perception of God was confusing because I didn't feel like I was doing enough to earn the "miracle". I felt powerless and at times my confusion and disappointment became resentment. At what point that changed I am not exactly sure. I know it didn't happen overnight. I came to the understanding that rather than ask God to heal me I needed to ask him to show me what I needed to heal myself and that his love would give me the courage to do this. That the power was within me to heal myself just as it is in everyone. That it was my responsibility to heal and that any "dis-ease" I held was mine to find, acknowledge and let go of. This has been enlightening, empowering and frightening all at once. It kind of felt safe giving someone else the responsibility for my dis-ease (the cancer included) but by doing this I was giving someone else the responsibility for my healing as well. That didn't feel so safe, that caused me to feel powerless, like a victim, that had little to say in what was to happen in my life. So as I became accountable I began to develop a "knowing" of my own power. As I lay in bed terrified about the possible implications of that CT scan result I asked for clarity and discernment as to what I needed to do to heal knowing that despite this setback it was still within my power to do so. I was due to pick up Sam and Sharon and do some work with them individually, with my family, and in the retreat situation (with friends). Despite my disappointment, I decided to keep moving forward and trust my intuition that this was a healing thing to do. The road ahead looked even bumpier and the visibilty had gone from 200 metres in the dark to 20 metres in thick fog. Nothing seemed certain and my ego was kind of piping up with thoughts like "why bother?, do you really think you can beat this, this way?". What helped me make the decision was how I make all my decisions these days. It's fairly simple really. I asked myself what was the loving thing to do. Continuing to work with Sam and Sharon won hands down. The other options were for me all fear based and I knew that without my power I could not win this battle. I could not heal. So after a sleepless night and an early start I introduced my mum and dad to Sam and Sharon (Sam's colleague - an amazing and truly gifted woman). We spent the morning together and I finally let go of any responsibility I wanted to give my parents for my dis-ease. I know as a mum myself that the need to protect my children from any harm is enormous and I can now see that I wanted them to continue to protect me from harm. So just as a part of me resented God for not miraculously healing me I know another part resented my parents for this cancer and any other dis-ease I felt. (looking at it know I gave this responsibility to many people in my life - anything to avoid owning it myself). In owning it I am now free to let it go. It gets very complicated when all these people feel they should/ need to/have to/ought to hold on to a piece of someone elses dis-ease. Getting everyone to let go at once is not only a logistical nightmare but more than likely impossible. Anyway, back to the tests. I left Mum and Dad's and pulled up back into the Ascot carpark for the second time in two days. I felt peaceful and very much carried by God. I walked in again grateful and aware of how things can change if we allow them to. The MRI went well and although very noisy and long (about two hours all up) I was very relaxed and at ease. I received a phone call from Wayne two days later and just as after the CT scan, his tone of voice spoke volumes. Rather than the sombre and slightly formal greeting of Monday, he was very excited and personal. "Tiff (on Monday it was Tiffany), I have great news. The results are very encouraging" (in surgeon speak that's brilliant). He said the MRI detected no sign of cancer and that the kidney did not appear to be compromised like he had thought on Monday. He felt very confident he was now at 80:20 and wanted the Sydney team to look at the results before going any further. So that is where we are at. I expect to hear from someone, either my oncologist or the Prof in the next couple of days and we will go from there. Thank you for your patience and supportive and loving messages. I will update again once I hear from Sydney. Love Tiffany.

A Bend In The Road...	Fri 31st August 2007 21:53
Its been 8 and a half months since my last lot of surgery. 8 and a half months where I know I have healed a huge amount of dis-ease. Has it been enough to cure me of this cancer? On Monday I will get an answer of sorts. I will be having a CT scan of my abdomen, chest and pelvis. This will give a really good image of these areas and give us a good idea of whats going on. I will also be having a full set of blood tests so hopefully my veins behave themselves. In the beginning doctors used to pass comment about my 'awesome' veins, now I think I'm a blood technicians worst nightmare. Oh well, just as well Darren didn't marry me for my veins! This is actually a rather special moment for me because its a first! I am actually typing this update as it comes to me as opposed to the usual rough scrawl and then the painstaking finger by finger typing up of the finished result. ( That is unless I have a willing secretary) Tonight however I have discovered upon reflection, that I have grown in many areas over the past 11 months and one of them is my typing. I'm still no 80 words a minute girl ( is that about the going rate in the world of typists?) but i have developed this interesting style that might not look pretty but does get me along at quite an impresssive speed. Maybe I've missed my calling? I think I chose French over typing and all I can say is that every meal I ordered when travelling in France, came as a complete surprise! Anyway I'm off track, totally off the subject of CT scans etc. Its probably a subconcious, intentional, distraction, as to be honest, a part of me is quite nervous, okay...ALOT nervous, about the test on Monday. I feel so well, have gone up a size in my jeans ( did I mention that last time ) and really feel like a fair dinkom, cancer free,person. I dont know where that Australianism came from and whether its spelt correctly, but hey, in part of the letting go of control in my life, I've become a little less anal about the grammar.I guess with the letting go of control I'm allowing myself to not only feel fear but to acknowledge to others that I am not completely 'in control' and really dont know what the future holds. And that there is a possibility, that this cancer could kill me. To do anything else to me now seems dishonest. A positive attitude I still believe to be important and I will always be hopeful but to deny my own mortality now, not only seems wrong but unnecessary.A friend reminded me of something I shared with her recently, that a friend of mine shared with me, that someone else shared with them......get the picture....? Anyway you're travelling the road from Auckland to Wellington at night. Its dark ( as it often is at night) and your headlights only show the road about 200m ahead. You still however happily travel that road, trusting that you will get there, without being able to see beyond that small piece of illuminated road. Likewise, I know I will get there, I dont know exactly the bends and curves that lay ahead of me but I know and am learning to trust ( that part is not always easy) that God knows that road and even when its really bumpy and really dark, I can trust that he is with me. This friend of mine text me a reminder of this story.......and no not the whole story ( that would put a strain on even the most predictive of predictive text.) She just had to mention the headlights and I felt the peace, that is there, whenever I choose it. So I'm travelling the road from Taupo to Auckland on Monday and after the tests will be meeting with my NZ surgeon. I will update you all as soon as I am able. I will sign off with a poem we were given, when leaving the Gawler Foundation in Melbourne, as it kind of fits pretty well with this update. A Bend In The Road..... Sometimes we come to lifes crossroads and view what we think is the end, But God has a much wider vision, He knows that it is only a bend - The road will go on and get smoother, And after we've stopped for a rest, The path that lies hidden beyond us, Is often the part that is best, So rest, relax, grow stronger, Let go, Let God share your load, Have faith in a brighter tomorrow - You've just come to a bend in the road. Loads of love to you all, Tiffany xxx

Tis a long one...grab that cuppa !	Tue 14th August 2007 20:52
Darren and I once discussed what we would do if we won lotto. We came up with the following list: 1. We’d take a holiday – a big one 2. We’d share it with our loved ones 3. We’d give some away to charity 4. We’d pay off our debt 5. We’d be happy… really happy! We really believed that winning lotto would help us to be more relaxed, more peaceful, have a greater capacity to give to others and make a difference and that we would be more free, to live the life we wanted. Strangely enough over the past ten months I have been given all of the above. I am not saying that I would rather have cancer than win lotto however the comparison for me is obvious. In September last year as I was given the prognosis of “no chance” “very poor” “you’ve got up to one year”. I remember saying to Darren “Ok I don’t want to win Lotto anymore, I just want to live”. On the 23rd of next month I will have had my year, a year in which I have discovered that the key to my health and happiness is completely free and abundant in supply. That it is there for the taking and always has been. That once found it can never be lost or squandered away or invested badly. For me it has taken a very serious illness, a terminal illness (supposedly) to realize that my health and happiness is completely linked my inner self. That is it is completely my responsibility, letting Darren, the children and the man at the dairy off the hook. Our bodies constantly manifest what is going on within, from butterflies in our stomach when nervous or excited, to a headache when stressed. Cancer is merely a symptom like many other symptoms of dis-ease, a sign that something needs to change. For those of you who have known me for a long time this may sound odd. When catergorising people I am sure I would be put in the group of “happy people” and yes this is my nature. I have not been secretly miserable. I have discovered however I am less comfortable with these so called negative emotions of fear and sadness. Rather than express these I have tended to repress them and put on a brave face. ….. The link between true happiness ( an inner peace and feeling of ease ) and health is well established, the link between a Lotto win ( going back to the beginning of my update ) and true happiness is not so well proven. The problem with waiting for a windfall or something to happen to us like a lotto win,a turn in the weather, work to get busier, work to get quieter,an extra days holiday.... is that like any other external factor is it can change at any moment taking our level of happiness with it . Money like so many other things has a finite supply and can only do so much. It was not the answer for me. All the money in the world was not going to turn my one year into fifty. By looking elsewhere I think I am finally discovering my treasure within. Someone quoted to me that incurable means 'curable within'. By not finding the answers in the world I had only one place left to look. Am I glad I looked there, because there, I can be on holiday everyday. The definition of holiday being the absence of work. By that I do not mean that I opt out of life, I still work and play and carry on with the same activities I always have but my attitude is different. Coming from a place of love rather than duty and resentment, brings a sense of happiness and peacefulness. I am not saying life is like this all the time, Darren and I still do a “bags not” when it comes to putting Nathaniel in time out for instance. But why wait until 5pm for happy hour? Most of us still do the dishes, wash clothes, feed the kids while on holiday but we seem to do it in a much happier and healthy way. We take only the bags we need away and leave the rest of our baggage behind. Why not do that in our daily lives? Why wait till after four weeks annual leave? Why wait until you get ill to address feelings of dis-ease within? We don’t wait until our car breaks down before we take it for a service. Mind you having said that I was quite infamous for thinking that the E on the petrol gauge stood for enough rather than empty. It came to a climax one night when working for Dial a Dino’s pizza company. I found myself stranded on a busy road in a little red car with a flashing telephone on top. As I walked along in the dark, with my petrol can, dressed in the matching red and yellow Dino outfit, with some poor guys pizza going cold in the car, I realized that the E really didn’t mean enough. See, even then I was trying to run on empty. Now that I am paying attention, I am aware that by healing me, I am healing the cancer and turning an ordinary life, into an extra-ordinary journey of love and happiness. Sometimes people comment that I am happy or joyful because I am different or special in some way. I am only special in that I am a unique creation of God, just like every one of you. Every one of us has the capacity to be 100% happy and successful in our lives. To be completely whole. It requires time. If we do the same thing every day running ourselves ragged and resenting others for it, we fall exhausted into bed every night and we can only expect to feel the same the following day. This feeling is probably a mix. A bit of tired, a bit of grumpy,a bit of happy, with the odd coffee high thrown in there. I have found since having cancer and not knowing how long I have left (not that I ever did anyway) that each day counts. Time has a new meaning. I used this poem seven years ago in a speech I made at a good friends wedding, I’d like to share it with you: TIME Imagine there is a bank which credits your account each morning with $86,400.00, carries NO balance from day to day, allows you to keep no cash balance and every evening cancels whatever part of the amount you had failed to use during the day. What would you do? Draw out every cent of course! Well everyone has such a bank. Its name is TIME. Every morning, it credits your account with 86,400 seconds. Every night it writes off as a loss whatever you failed to invest to good purpose. It carries no balance, it allows no overdraft. Every day it opens a new account for you. Each night it burns the records for the day. If you fail to use the day’s deposits, the loss is yours, there is no going back. There is no drawing against tomorrow. You must live in the present on today’s deposits. Invest it so as to get from it the utmost in health, happiness and success! The clock is running. Make the most of today. To realize the value of ONE MONTH, ask a mother who has given birth to a premature baby. To realize the value of ONE DAY, ask a daily wage labourer who has 10 kids to feed. To realize the value of ONE HOUR, ask the lovers who are waiting to meet. To realize the value of ONE SECOND, ask the person who has just missed the train. To realize the value of ONE MILLI-SECOND, ask the person who has won a silver medal in the Olympics. Next month Sam (Dr Sam Hunkler) is coming to Taupo to run two weekend retreats. These are open to everybody and give the people attending TIME to stop and assess their lives and make sure it counts. To work out what it is that you want in your life and to make it happen. I will be taking part in one of these retreats and believe strongly that it is an opportunity for a life changing experience. Please feel free to email me with any questions. I am feeling a bit “peomy” (I know that is not a word for all of you fellow compulsive grammerholics). This poem really spoke to me so I though I’d share. I will make sure my next update has a bit more practical information for those of you who like that sort of thing. I don’t have a Sydney date yet but will have one by the end of this month. I have been to Maine and am now back, I know it was the right thing to do and was very healing and when I have figured out exactly what I gained from it I will let you know. I am now a whopping 46 1/2 kg – Exciting stuff!Here's the poem.... The Journey by Mary Oliver. One day you finally knew what you had to do, and began, though the voices around you kept shouting their bad advice – though the whole house began to tremble and you felt the old tug at your ankles. “Mend my life!” Each voice cried. But you didn’t stop. You knew what you had to do, though the wind pried with its stiff fingers at the very foundations, though their melancholy was terrible. It was already late enough, and a wild night, and the road full of fallen branches and stones. But little by little, as you left their voices behind, the stars began to burn through the sheets of clouds, and there was a new voice which you slowly recognized as your own, that kept you company as you strode deeper and deeper into the world, determined to do the only thing you could do – determined to save the only life that you could save. My email address is daztif@xtra.co.nz for those of you interested in the weekend retreats. Lots of love Tiffany

	Tue 14th August 2007 18:29
Darren and I once discussed what we would do if we won lotto. We came up with the following list: 1. We’d take a holiday – a big one 2. We’d share it with our loved ones 3. We’d give some away to charity 4. We’d pay off our debt 5. We’d be happy… really happy! We really believed that winning lotto would help us to be more relaxed, more peaceful, have a greater capacity to give to others and make a difference and that we would be more free, to live the life we wanted. Strangely enough over the past ten months I have been given all of the above. I am not saying that I would rather have cancer than win lotto however the comparison for me is obvious. In September last year as I was given the prognosis of “no chance” “very poor” “you’ve got up to one year”. I remember saying to Darren “Ok I don’t want to win Lotto anymore, I just want to live”. On the 23rd of next month I will have had my year, a year in which I have discovered that the key to my health and happiness is completely free and abundant in supply. That it is there for the taking and always has been. That once found it can never be lost or squandered away or invested badly. For me it has taken a very serious illness, a terminal illness (supposedly) to realize that my health and happiness is completely linked my inner self. That is it is completely my responsibility, letting Darren, the children and the man at the dairy off the hook. Our bodies constantly manifest what is going on with in from butterflies in our stomach when nervous or excited to a headache when stressed. Cancer is merely a symptom like many other symptoms of dis-ease a sign that something needs to change. For those of you who have known me for a long time this may sound odd. When catergorising people I am sure I would be put in the group of “happy people” and yes this is my nature. I have not been secretly miserable. I have discovered however I am less comfortable with these so called negative emotions of fear and sadness. Rather than express these I have tended to repress them and put on a brave face. ….. The link between true happiness ( an inner peace and feeling of ease ) and health is well established, the link between a Lotto win ( going back to the beginning of my update ) and true happiness is not so well proven. The problem with waiting for a windfall or something to happen to us like a lotto win,a turn in the weather, work to get busier, work to get quieter,an extra days holiday is that like any other external factor is it can change at any moment taking our level of happiness with it . Money like so many other things has a finite supply and can only do so much. It was not the answer for me. All the money in the world was not going to turn my one year into fifty. By looking elsewhere I think I am finally discovering my treasure within. Someone quoted to me that incurable means 'curable within'. By not finding the answers in the world I had only one place left to look. Am I glad I looked there, because there, I can be on holiday everyday. The definition of holiday being the absence of work. By that I do not mean that I opt out of life, I still work and play and carry on with the same activities I always have but my attitude is different. Coming from a place of love rather than duty and resentment brings a sense of happiness and peacefulness. I am not saying life is like this all the time, Darren and I still do a “bags not” when it comes to putting Nathaniel in time out for instance. But why wait until 5pm for happy hour? Most of us still do the dishes, wash clothes, feed the kids while on holiday but we seem to do it in a much happier and healthy way. We take only the bags we need away and leave the rest of our baggage behind. Why not do that in our daily lives? Why wait till after four weeks annual leave? Why wait until you get ill to address feelings of Dis-ease within? We don’t wait until our car breaks down before we take it for a service. Mind you having said that I was quite infamous for thinking that the E on the petrol gauge stood for enough rather than empty. It came to a climax one night when working for Dial a Dino’s pizza company. I found myself stranded on a busy road in a little red car with a flashing telephone on top. As I walked along in the dark with my petrol can, dressed in the matching red and yellow Dino outfit with some poor guys pizza going cold in the car I realized that the E really didn’t mean enough. See, even then I was trying to run on empty. Now that I am paying attention I am aware that by healing me I am healing the cancer and turning an ordinary life into an extra-ordinary journey of love and happiness. Sometimes people comment that I am happy or joyful because I am different or special in some way. I am only special in that I am a unique creation of God just like every one of you. Every one of us has the capacity to be 100% happy and successful in our lives. To be completely whole. It requires time. If we do the same thing every day running ourselves ragged and resenting others for it we fall exhausted into bed every night and we can only expect to feel the same the following day. This feeling is probably a mix. A bit of tired, a bit of grumpy, with the odd coffee high thrown in there. I have found since having cancer and not knowing how long I have left (not that I ever did anyway) that each day counts. Time has a new meaning. I used this poem seven years ago in a speech I made at a good friends wedding, I’d like to share it with you: Time Imagine there is a bank which credits your account each morning with $86,400.00, carries NO balance from day to day, allows you to keep no cash balance and every evening cancels whatever part of the amount you had failed to use during the day. What would you do? Draw out every cent of course! Well everyone has such a bank. Its name is TIME. Every morning, it credits your account with 86,400 seconds. Every night it writes off as a loss whatever you failed to invest to good purpose. It carries no balance, it allows no overdraft. Every day it opens a new account for you. Each night it burns the records for the day. If you fail to use the day’s deposits, the loss is yours, there is no going back. There is no drawing against tomorrow. You must live in the present on today’s deposits. Invest it so as to get from it the utmost in health, happiness and success! The clock is running. Make the most of today. To realize the value of ONE MONTH, ask a mother who has given birth to a premature baby. To realize the value of ONE DAY, ask a daily wage labourer who has 10 kids to feed. To realize the value of ONE HOR, ask the lovers who are waiting to meet. To realize the value of ONE SECOND, ask the person who has just missed the train. To realize the value of ONE MILLI-SECOND, ask the person who has won a silver medal in the Olympics. Next month Sam (Dr Sam Hunkler) is coming to Taupo to run two weekend retreats. These are open to everybody and give the people attending a TIME to stop their lives and make sure it counts. To work out what it is that you want in your life and to make it happen. I will be taking part in one of these retreats and believe strongly that it is an opportunity for a life changing experience. Please feel free to email me with any questions. I am feeling a bit “peomy” (I know that is not a word for all of you fellow compulsive grammerholics). This poem really spoke to me so I though I’d Share. I will make sure my next update has a bit more practical information for those of you who like that sort of thing. I don’t have a Sydney date yet but will have one by the end of this month. I have been to Maine and am now back, I know it was the right thing to do and was very healing and when I have figured out exactly what I gained from it I will let you know. I am now a whopping 46 1/2 kg – Exciting stuff! The Journey by Mary Oliver. One Day you finally knew what you had to do, and began, so the voices around you kept shouting their bad advice – though the whole house began to tremble and you felt the old tug at your ankles. “Mend my life!” Each voice cried. But you didn’t stop. You knew what you had to do, though the wind pried with its stiff fingers at the very foundations, though there melancholy was terrible. It was already late enough, and a wild night, and the road full of fallen branches and stones. But little by little, as you left their voices behind, the stars began to burn through the sheets of clouds, and there was a new voice which you slowly recognized as your own, that kept you company as you strode deeper and deeper into the world, determined to do the only thing you could do – Determined to save The only life that you could save. My email address is daztif@xtra.co.nz for those of you interested in the weekend retreats. Lots of love Tiffany

A journey and a destination !	Sun 22nd July 2007 22:15
So often our journeys are destination orientated. We are moving from A to B to get from job 1 to 2 to 3! The destination is our primary focus. Yet there is so much to be seen and experienced on the way. Today I had one of those days. I had a list of 'jobs' and each place, the post office, the bank etc. were mini destinations. Luckily Darren asked me to pick up Nathaniel as yet again he became my teacher. How to live in the moment and enjoy the scenery and opportunities along the way was the lesson of the day. While queing at the bank he drew pictures and proudly wrote his name for the tellers. He skipped in the rain from one place to the next. He was really good at it ( a skill I didn't know he'd acquired). He told me he loved me at least 20 times (ok slight exaggeration - maybe 10) and suggested we stop for icecream. It didn't bother him that we left our keys at the bank and forgot to pick up money from another. As we retracted our steps he skipped (in the rain) back to both these places chatting away, fully embracing our time together. He taught me that the living can happen NOW and that in a way we have already arrived at our destination - life.After all are we not 'here'already? And if we are always going 'somewhere'e,g. 5.o'clock knock off, the weekend, that holiday in the sun... are we ever really anywhere? It seems to me that these sorts of destinations are never ending and that when we finally get there we start to think about GOING somewhere else. Why not take a deep breath and just enjoy being? There's alot of fun in the here and now without going anywhere. I find 'being' to be very invigorating and gets me off a wheel and onto a path. Do some of your behaviours make you feel like a gerbil on a wheel? Things that you just do over and over that never get you anywhere - but that leave you exhausted anyway? Is there a way to get off the wheel? Or like a gerbil, would you prefer to just nibble on a carrot and then get right back to it. Life is full of opportunities to love, to laugh, to learn. All while we are queing, walking, driving, sitting, shopping - oh yes did I mention queing? So rather than the 4 year old hampering my highly important "jobs" of the day he taught me a valuable lesson about truly living in the moment. On the subject of journeys I am about to embark on quite a different one. The physical destination is Maine - U.S.A. Why Maine? Because I feel this is the right place and the right journey for me to make at this time and this is where my heart is telling me to go. I have support there in someone I have been working with also. I am finally seeing that on this journey I am moving toward something rather than leaving something or someone. At first I queried this need as I felt that I had everything I could want. A devoted and loving husband, 3 beautiful children and loads of support. Why would I want/need to leave that? I have finally realised it is not a matter of leaving anyone or anything and with that the associated loss or sacrifice. Rather I am gaining / moving forward to something very important - myself. That connection that makes me whole. The treasure I am seeking is within me and I have so much to gain by going after it. I believe that my surgeron and oncologist were correct in that I have an incurable disease that they cannot treat. It is incurable in that there is nothing that can be done by anyone else to heal me. The surgery and all the other treatments I have had, have bought me the time, to have a shot at the only possibility I have of healing.It is possible for this cancer to be cured but only by my self. I unknowinly created it, I can knowingly uncreate it. The team in Sydney have indicated that my next and final operation will be about end of September - still no firm date. After a long wait this suddenly feels very soon to be handing back over the control. They have made me aware that they expect a recurrance of the disease and if that is the case, I will be having another large operation. I have no real expectations of what I will do when I am away in Maine but I do know it will be a time to process, to heal and to prepare for September. It will be difficult to leave the children but I know they will be O.K. if I am O.K. I owe it to them to follow my heart and do everything possible to heal. 9 days is a small investment compared to a life time. The children are amazingly settled and accepting of all that has gone on in the last 9 months. They are happy and provide us with so much joy. It is definitely time to put a new front photo on as Grace is now a toddler rather than a wee baby. Nathaniel is nearly a school boy and Josh is sporting a lovely gappy smile - so cute! I am now curly headed - this is my 'a la natural look' (yes I've straightened my hair for too long) and Darren. well hes not done any of the above but is still as handsome as ever. As far as the Vegan diet and 3 hours meditation daily -I am no longer doing this. There is nothing I do "24/7" anymore - except breathe. And oh how I'm improving on that one. It may sound strange but I now realise there were many times in my day where I just wasn't breathing. Obviously not for long periods...... but I have found that learning how to properly breathe - deeply - has been very life giving. I was breathing very 'shallowly' (is that a word?). I think I probably thought I didn't have time to breathe. Strange..... but true. I'd never really analysed my breathing before but as I became more aware of myself and slowed everything right down I now give myself the time to breathe. The breathing techniques as mothers to be (and fathers to be) are taught in ante-natal classes and really are tools for life and health. So as I heal and I believe I am healing, I am also learning to be as loving towards myself as possible. Initially I was highly dependent on others love. I believed this alone could heal me. Although a wonderful feeling to be loved and supported by others, that alone I now realise, will not heal me. Without self love and acceptance this cannot be received, but more importantly I am realising, that this resource is available to me, 24/7 from within and is not dependant on anyone else. There you go, there is one other thing besides breathing that I am working on 24/7 - loving myself. With love comes acceptance - and with acceptance comes the elimination of judgement. As I judge myself less, I judge others less. I am free to love and with this freedom comes a wholeness and happiness and wellness that I have never experienced before. Well actually I'm pretty sure thats how I felt as a 'newborn' I just am unable to recall it. I read a neat quote that talked about 'How to be alive'. Kind of like breathing I guess you think you've got it sussed. Think again! They drew a continuim as below : Dead<---------------------------------------------------------------->Alive. In order to be alive one had to be the opposite of dead. So when you are dead you are very still - so be active! When you are dead you are very quiet - so be noisy. When you are dead you are very lacking in emotion/expression so be emotional/expressive. So often we see/ can be, the walking dead, where energy/emotions/expressions are repressed and held back. It is far more 'normal' to see someone walking down the street looking miserable than joyful. Why is that? Is that 'normal' or necessay? Is it life giving? Children yet again are our teachers. They are vibrant and strong and loving and fully alive. We start at that end of the continuim - is it necessary to move down it as we 'grow' older? As I try and use my head a little less and my heart and inner senses more I am also trying to give up my life long companion - "perfectionism".... as it is a killer of joy. Anything that tries to control me or frighten me into getting well is a sure way to fail. I was asked the other day the following question and I think I now know the answer "What would you be doing differently in you life now if you didn't have cancer?" "I'd be rushing around completing important tasks, breathing badly, pleasing everybody and nobody and with a body and mind full of dis-ease, probably well on my way to getting cancer!" I'll never go back nor do I want to. My illness has taught me so much. It is in dying I have learnt to live!

Travelling Light	Sun 22nd July 2007 22:15
As I sit down to write this update the blank paper stares back at me. Darren walks past, gives me a kiss and says "that'll be a tough one". He's right. I've now been home nearly a week and I am struggling to find the words to help you 'see me' or 'get me'. Out of the mouths of babes Josh and Nathaniel often ask the million dollar question "Is the cancer gone Mummy?" I'm not quite ready for the cart wheeling lessons but I hoola hooped with the best of them last Saturday. It was Sophie my gorgeous nieces 3rd birthday & the ‘adults’ (that includes the teenagers – basically any one over 5ft tall) had a hoola hooping contest as you do. I’m not one to brag but if I’m honest I was pretty good. O.K. I was very good! So back to the question, “Is the cancer gone?” The answer – I don’t know. Yes I am healing – that I am certain of. As Nathaniel clung to my leg upon my arrival at Auckland Airport I lifted him up. He looked at me with those amazing brown eyes and said “Mummy I love you. You’re really strong now” So yes I’m stronger. I’m a better hoola hooper than I’ve ever been and I’m coming to love & accept a girl by the name of Tiffany who I suspect some of you have known for longer than I have. Isn’t that often the way. We are harder on ourselves than anyone else in our lives and ‘beat ourselves up’ often on a daily basis. Feelings of shame and guilt often get in the way of us slowing down enough to experience the strength and peace with in us. I truly believe I have the ability to heal myself of what I have been told is a highly aggressive terminal cancer. I am now on the road to getting to know this girl that is going to take this challenge on and as I do this the fear becomes less as does the need to know what my future holds. What do we as humans, instinctively do when we can see that some one has a huge challenge to overcome? A baby taking those first steps gets all the encouragement, love and support we can muster. There is no ‘self beating’ as he/she stumbles and falls (perhaps some tears if the fall is a particularly painful one) but generally just perseverance. They are too little and too pure to have developed an ego, that inner voice that tells them "Who do you think you are, thinking you can walk ? – Of course you can’t. That’s way too difficult." They naturally believe they CAN do it and persevere until they are upright and mobile.It is not a matter of should I or could I ? Their motivation is not one filled with fear but one filled with love, a love of life. The more spectators the merrier and smiles and encouragement are clearly appreciated but the self belief is already there and propels the baby to motivate themselves. Its just as well we learn the basics (ie. walking and talking in those younger years when we are full of self belief) If the average age of walking age was 15 I think we would have a lot of bum shuffling adults. This self belief generally continues through to the toddler stage where like Grace most babies believe they can give anything a go. If it weren’t for high benches and high fences they would be off cooking up a storm or exploring the wide blue yonder. Grace has a fascination with shoes and each day rises believing today will be the day she can put them on, on her own.As for me I do not know the outcome – the day I can say I am cancer free. As Ian Gawler put it, that will quite possibly be the day I am old and grey and have ten grandkids, a few great grandkids and die of something else! None of us, due to the nature of cancer can state, that we are 100%, cancer free! It is a disease that the current statistics are showing will affect one in every three of us to some degree. Yes we are getting better at controlling it with certain cancers, as in my friend Traceys’ situation. Her breast cancer is 95% curable - pretty much opposite to the prognosis I have been given but something Tracey and I have in common, is that we both believe in not just addressing the symptoms of our illness but looking seriously at the cause and trying to deal to that. So I am back to that question “Is the cancer gone? What has happened to the cancer between December and now?” Back from my diagnosis in September and the look that the Prof had in December, we were clearly dealing with a stage 4 cancer that had invaded lymph nodes and therefore had a high chance of recurrence. What I am now waiting for is a space at the public hospital in Sydney where they will attempt to reverse my colostomy and have another look. If there is cancer found they have the ability in this hospital to possibly remove the cancer and treat me again with a heated chemotherapy directly into the abdominal area. I am hoping and praying this will not be necessary as they will find no cancer. I can then work on the belief that the cancer has gone into remission and we have.... a humungous party!!! While I was away I faced many fears – one of them being that I could very possibly die of this disease. Although difficult, painful and highly emotional, it was a freeing process to address this possibility and how this could be a better experience for myself, friends and family. After all, there are many things uncertain in this life but the fact that all of us will one day die is a ‘given’ – a complete certainty. Imagining myself dying and the pain that this would cause Joshua, Nathaniel & Grace in particular, was initially terrifying. However, as I released that fear and faced it, it became something else that I could hand over to God. He created me and my innocent children, would he ever abandon any of us? And as fear tends to not enjoy the company of love – these loving thoughts dissipate the anxiety and the fear and I realized none of us – those with and those without cancer knows what tomorrow will bring. There was always HOPE in the future, in the present there is ‘Joy’. In the future there will always be uncertainty for all of us. If there is one true way to peace and happiness that has been confirmed for me time and time again is, live in the moment and be fully present to yourself and those around you. I heard a neat story on the first day of my ten days at the Gawler Foundation. It spoke of an Indian man who was walking along a huge plain, when a white man offered him a ride to the nearest town, he accepted and the dust flew as they picked up speed and off they went. Finally arriving in a town the white man said to the Indian as he pulled up outside a rather flash looking bar “Come in and I will pay for a meal for you”. The Indian declined saying he would like to go sit under a tree nearby for a while. As he wandered towards it the white man again tried to convince the Indian to come in and refresh himself with food and drink. The Indian declined again saying “You white men drive pretty fast, I am going to sit under this tree and be still and give my spirit a chance to catch up with me.” This story resonated within me. I felt that my ten days away were going to feed my craving for solitude. A chance for me to be still, allow my spirit to catch up and for some healing to take place. I needed to sit and be, there was some areas to let go of. Michelle laughed one day. She had been in my wardrobe tidying up (bless her) and suddenly in an emotional analogy overcame her. She discovered clothes, many, many years old that I had been saving (hording really – she was being kind). She said maybe this is like some of this emotional stuff that you have been hanging onto. Maybe it’s time to let it go? I’m sure many of you can relate to that. We can all hang onto stuff and the message is travel light. If only I had realized this before packing my 31kg suitcase to Melbourne and that was with Darren standing over me shaking his head saying “Do you really need all those shoes?” Lucky I travelled with Shona, the minimalist, who brought a 10kg suitcase. Together we managed to get through within the 40kg cut off. I have many books I am reading, one which is calendar based and often the message for the day is just perfect for where I am at. Having missed yesterdays, I just looked it up and would like to share it with you. This update is already fairly long so you may like to take a ‘tinkle break’ as we used to refer to during any ad break when we were kids. I’m sure the ad companies would be most disappointed to hear we were all taking off to relieve ourselves during there well thought out spiels. If you have taken my advice – welcome back and moving right along. TRAVEL LIGHT God has a great race for you to run. Under his care you will go where you have never been and serve in ways you have never dreamed. But you have to drop some stuff. How can you share grace if you are full of guilt? How can you offer comfort if you are disheartened? How can you lift someone else’s load if your arms are full with your own? For the sake of those you love, travel light. For the sake of God you serve, travel light. For the sake of your own joy, travel light. There are certain weights in life you simply can not carry. Your Lord is asking you to set them down and trust him. As you can correctly assume from my updates, my ridiculously large suitcase, I tend not to be a woman of few word or clothes. So travelling light for me also means not cramming as much into my day. We have been advised to meditate (be with ourselves so that we can heal) for 2-3 hours per day. Between this, my 3 beautiful children, my 7 freshly made juices per day and my 4-5 vegan meals (Yes I need to eat more than the square 3) Why do they say that? A square has 4 sides – could someone please enlighten me? Anyway, I guess my point is if I’m a little anti social its not because I’ve become a hermit. I do still gain a lot of energy and joy from my friends but with this rather big challenge I have been given, comes a rather large need for solitude to a certain extent. Something I have always found quite frightening and definitely not my cup of tea. It must be right because I now crave it. I enjoy company but I crave solitude. A bit like when pregnant - our body has special needs, we may crave special foods etc. I seem to be craving that solitude. As I have now had that feeling formalized ie. We have been highly advised to meditate for 3 hours per day. I am now learning to ‘listen’ to myself even when its not necessarily what I want to hear. I miss my friends and family. I know things aren’t like they used to be but I feel certain that to every cloud there is a silver lining, we just need to be able to look out. I will keep you all informed on my progress or my next operation date. Keep sending messages if you like – I do read them ! Love to you all and God Bless Tiffany xxx

Becoming real ...	Thu 17th May 2007 21:45
You do not become real all at once...it happens bit by bit. As I read these words posted by a friend on the message board Tuesday morning the tears yet again flowed down my face which was not completely dry from the previous batch. On Tuesday I was accepted as a last minute entry into the Gawler Foundation in Melbourne. This coming Monday I will begin a 10 day residential programme run specifically for people with cancer, many of them with a terminal diagnosis. The man who runs it is very well known for his work and has received international recognition and commendations for his success in helping people who conventional medicine had given up on. His name is Ian Gawler and he wrote a book entitled " You can conquer cancer " He himself overcame a terminal cancer 25 years ago. He had been given 2-3 weeks to live and through meditation alone overcame his cancer. So with 5 days notice I am off to Melbourne, another step in my road to becoming well, whole, real! As you may recall a few weeks ago I made the very difficult decision to decline the option of chemotherapy. I did this after, not only a huge amount of research but also many hours of soul searching. Every decision I now make is based on love rather than fear. Love for my life, my children, my husband and all of the other people in my life. Yes that includes every one of you. I could not come to an inner peace or acceptance that the chemo, in my situation, was the best choice. Once I made the decision it felt wonderful even though I knew going against the grain would open myself up to judgement from those who did not understand my decision. Some have commented to me, some have commented to others, some have kept this completely to themselves. The freeing part for me has been that I no longer need people to approve or agree with me. Having been a people pleaser all my life I only now realise how damaging that was, as people pleasers never win! There is always someone who will disagree or disapprove, that is human nature and thats what makes us unique. Being different is wonderful. So learning to dance my own dance and be true to myself has been lesson # 1. Of course the learning curve I am on is fairly steep, there's a fair bit at stake. For many days afterward although generally at peace I couldnt help but remind myself. "Tiffany, keep an open mind. Be open to new information and never say never. If you get it wrong its quite wrong" Not long after I had made this decision I received a phone call from my oncologist. I would like to share the conversation with you. Please realise, that I realise that each and every one of you has an opinion because you care and although these opinions no longer have as much as an affect on me I do still value them and appreciate their loving intent. I was about to let him know my decision however before I could do so, he explained to me that he had sought some further opinions, when hearing from my doctor that I was wavering as to whether chemo was the right thing to do. He said that after much deliberation, that due to my intestine only being a third of its original size, that they felt chemo at this point would be far too risky. He said should we proceed I would most likely be in hospital on a drip for the next 6 months and that there was a significant risk of the treatment being fatal. His recommendation is that I go to Sydney , have the reversal and exploratory laporotomy and that we re- evaluate after that. Well considering it was all fairly serious and a tad on the morbid side, it completely made my day. I had just been given a precious gift. Self belief. My struggle had been for a reason and here I was having this confirmed. I do believe in listening to others advice, particularly those who dedicate themselves to certain areas of study but as I am learning the most important voice to listen to is my own. Sometimes it can be very tricky finding it as it does not live in the same place as my ego. It comes from a place of love. I have had this info. about the chemo for some time but did not feel the need to rush on and put it as an update. I felt the confirmation that my inner voice held the truth was only important for me, there's no right or wrong way to be. Sometimes people say that, they went to write a message but didnt as they were worried about their words being judged by myself or others, that they might get it wrong. I can honestly say that I have read every message and felt privileged, honoured and humbled that that person shared a little of themselves with me/us on that day. As I sat on Tuesday morning terrified about going to Melbourne and leaving my family I switched on the website and there like a gift from God was the excerpt from "The Velveteen Rabbit".The reason for my tears and terror was that when I arrive at the Gawler Retreat I will not be Tiffany mother of 3, Tiffany wife to Darren, Tiffany friend, Tiffany the employer, Tiffany sister, Tiffany daughter, Tiffany schoolteacher. The reason I am so scared, is I will be, just Tiffany. Tiffany ,who has been diagnosed with a terminal cancer and is pretty scared right now. And without all those other 'roles' that I play who am I? I'll be taking with me a suitcase full of clothes but I feel like I'm going to be pretty much naked. 10 days feels like a lifetime but as I know only too well there's alot more 'living' to be done in my lifetime. Please keep me and Darren and the children in your prayers. Thankyou to each and avery one of you for your incredible support and especially to my wonderful friend Shona who will be coming along to Melbourne as my support person and to my sister Lisa who will be coming to Taupo to help Darren with the children. I will update you all on my return. Love and God bless, Tiffany xx

A special friend !	Thu 10th May 2007 22:46
Hi everyone. This update is not about me! I am writing to share with you about a very special lady. I had an update all drafted ready to type but have put that on hold as today I received some news from my friend Tracey Roberts ( nee Richardson). Alot of you know Tracey from school, teachers college, camp America, as a travelling buddy or more recently as a fellow mum. Many of you know her in more than one of these contexts. And for those of you who do not fall into this category you probably have got to know Tracey on this site as the infamous 'author'who often shared her unique and highly entertaining sense of humour with us all through messages left.Tracey has been down in Taupo for the past few days with Andrea, Paula and Madeleine yet again offering their amazing mobile 'organise a house' service. This time they focussed on the garage and mine and Darrens walk in wardrobe. Yes apparently you are meant to be able to walk in to them as opposed to reach over a million pieces of clothing to dress oneself.We can now do this. Well we were having the usual wonderful time when Tracey came out with Madeleine for a cup of tea. I sat down to share one with the two of them and Tracey told me her news. She had just received the report from her recent mammogram. There was alot of stuff she didnt understand but the conclusion was fairly clear. They stated the results to be highly suspicious. Today Tracey and her husband Kelvin received the biopsy results.They diagnosed her with breast cancer and she will be undergoing urgent surgery next week.I asked Tracey if I could share this with you all as I have found the support and prayers from you all to be hugely comforting. She was happy for me to do so. For those of you who do not know Tracey she is beautiful inside and out and an amazingly 'strong' person. She, like I, has a big challenge ahead of her. I am happy for you to use this site to support Tracey and her family. We love you Tracey xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx P.S. Alot has happened at my end so i will share this in the next few days. Lots of love to you all!

The Tiplady's	Sun 29th April 2007 11:26
I have been with the Tiplady's for the past month and have enjoyed every minute of it (well almost every minute). The children had all grown and changed in the weeks we were back in Australia - Joshua's stories, reading, and drawing are amazing. I think he has been gifted the creative side from both of his parents. He is also very thoughtful to his two siblings and is so caring if either of them gets hurt. Nathaniel has delighted us with 'Nathanielism' eg 'has my porridge cooled up yet?', 'I'm just feeling fragile at the moment', but the one I love the most was when Abby kept asking to have a turn of something he was using. Hoping to put her off he handed it to her and said, 'ok you can have it, but I am going to laugh at you and call you a girl' - Abby and I still giggle about it. I just love that child. Grace is at that wonderful age when she learns by the minute - she loves music and does a great impression of the 'funky' chicken dance. She is a little powerhouse and is full of personality and I can't wait to see what she is like next time I see her. Darren is still one of the most amazing men in the world. A firm, fun and hands on dad and a loving and supportive husband. He can also whip up a batch of pancakes with blueberries and maple syrup AND encourage me to eat chocolate every night - what a guy! And what of our beautiful butterfly Tiffany. As usual she has had to deal more stuff this month that you and I would have to deal with in a life time. I have been thinking about how to describe Tiff during this time and I will just use these words - brave, peaceful, doubtful, unique, intuitive, fragile, vunerable, beautiful, strong, loving, compassionate, scared, devastated, exhausted, elated, giving, ashamed, happy, funny, sad, developing, curious, sure, positive, Tiffany. In my opinion Tiffany is getting stonger and stonger on so many different levels. I learn so much about myself from Tiffany (and from Darren) and I can't wait to see them again. ..................................................Now some house keeping.... They are without computer for about a week - that is why there have been so many 'junk' messages - there has been no one to clear them. They are very frustrating and we are looking into how to prevent them. In the mean time when you check the messages you may have to skip a page or two as this is where the deleted 'junk' messages have been. Lovely to see all of my new friends again in Taupo - I feel very lucky to know you all. Love Michelle

Things not yet seen.....	Tue 17th April 2007 22:16
To believe without having seen is to be truly blessed. Faith is believing in the evidence of things not yet seen. I believe the cancer to be gone and yet cannot see or prove this in any tangible way. So of course the advice is to have chemo... to be sure( yet even this is contradictory as there is no certainty, in fact very little).... just in case. There in lies my predicament, as I don't seem to be able to make the path of chemo 'right' within me. Stay with my thoughts and I'd debate forever - there are plenty of arguments either side. I was good at debating throughout school - legitamite arguing was fun. In fact, I was so good at it as a teenager that mum and dad were sure I was on the path to being a lawyer and a successful one at that. The idea appealed somewhat, but it was teaching that won my heart. Speaking of my heart, in my head I could debate the physical pros and cons of chemo forever but when I listen to my heart/my inner self/ that intuition that really knows what the right road for me is, I found that chemotherapy is not at this time right for me. So my decision is to decline the option of chemo and to request a reversal of the colostomy as soon as possible. I have done this by writing a letter to the Prof in Sydney. We now await his reply. When they do the reversal they will also perform an exploratory laproscopy which basically checks out my abdomen ensuring that no cancer can be found. That is my 'evidence of things yet to be seen' as I have made my decision based on this outcome.No cancer. The medical advice is contrary to this so trusting my own intuition has not been an easy step. First I had to listen. I was so busy thinking, researching, discussing the whole issue I forgot to listen and then I was so busy telling myself what I ought to do, should do, needed to do, that I was too afraid to listen. Because listening meant asking myself what I 'wanted'.That meant believing what I wanted really mattered. A very special person asked me this question one night. What does 'Tiffany' want to do? I had just finished telling him what I needed to do. When asked what I truly wanted, I was silent for quite some time. You know the sort of silence that becomes awkward and a little too intense. Where your ego jumps in and says 'well answer quick before you 'feel' something'. So my first answer, just to break the silence was 'I don't know'. Not a very intelligent response seeing as I'd spent a lot of time thinking about this very important decision. If he'd asked what I needed to do or thought I should do I could've filled that silence 100 times over but what did I truly want? Anyway my ego wasn't quick enough, or maybe it's just not as quick to jump in these days because the floodgates opened and I cried for quite some time and this very special friend reminded me, that whatever I wanted, or desired, was the right thing for me because our wants and desires come from love and from Jesus, who is love. While I was focussing on what I 'had' to do, I was still living in fear. There's a lot of things I don't know and confusion often reigns, but there's one thing I'm clear on. I want to live my life in love not fear. And when I do this I am peaceful and content. So.... many tears later it was time to trust myself and make my decision. I will be throwing myself fully into holistically healing myself of cancer. I've been sitting on this decision for a week or two now seeing how it feels - unsure as to whether it was the 'real' thing. I really didn't want to share this with you all and then yoyo back and forth. I now feel comfortable enough with it to write this update. It's funny but when you finally make a decision and it's based on love, not fear, with it comes a wonderful enthusiasm and energy. I'm excited about learning more about holistic healing and am looking into going to Australia and perhaps dong a short course in this. Meanwhile I am just living happily in the moment.Confusion has been replaced by clarity. Michelle, Darren and I sat down to a game of scrabble on Sat night (such party animals I know). Michelle did suggest it was more like strip scrabble as bits of clothing started to peel off. Darren had the fire going and it was Fiji here at 2 Chestnut Grove. Anyway I drew the highest tile and 'H' - for those of you who aren't avid scrabble players is worth 4 points. So, having the highest scoring tile I got to start. A chance to get high scoring points on the board. I was very excited as I am a tad competitive...ok for those who know me I am very competitive. Those who say it's all about 'participating' definitely differ to me.There is an adrenalin high in winning thats kinda fun ! Anyway I drew my next 6 tiles and immediately realised I could make the word 'sex'- now an x is worth 8 so for a first word I was in with a chance to get ahead. However there in front of me was a 4 letter word that although scored less meant a lot more and I knew I just had to place it on the board. It was the word H-E-A-L. As I placed the word I told Michelle and Darren about my dilhema. I had chosen a word for meaning as opposed to points and not only did it feel wonderful to start the game with a powerful word, I also knew chance was on my side and I would also win the game. I did win the game, very humbly I might add. I was whistling because I was happy, not because I was winning, no matter what anyone might say. Many of you asked if Darren and the boys caught any fish at Ohope and did we eat the back up meal- sausages? I'm afraid to say we did revert to sausages as the fish caught were a tad undersize. Never mind, they all had a fantastic time. At 4 and 6 it's definitely all about participation! Thanks for your continued support and prayers. I am soooooo blessed.God bless you all, Tiffany x

1 2 3 Shhhh !	Mon 2nd April 2007 21:19
Often you don't know somethings missing until you get it back. I bought a wonderful book for the children called 1 2 3 Shhhh! a few weeks ago. It tells about a little mole who has the secret of peace and wants to share it with the world. But he only has a tiny voice, and the world is too noisy. He tries all day and then all night. Towards the end you reach a page where there is a family in a meadow (dog and all). They have taken some time out from the busy world. The text reads 1 2 3 Shhhh! The next page is just the blue of the sky. The words invite you to be still and quiet and yes we managed to do so. We had no dog and Grace was already in bed but the silence was still a pretty magical moment. Nathaniel sat wrapped in my arms, Joshua in Darren's and no one moved or spoke. The presence we had to each other was very moving. As Darren turned the page the silence was broken by the authors final words "And that is the secret of peace..." Sounds like I'm doing a book sell eh. It has been interesting though because the children have referred to the book over the past few weeks as we have been in different situations. Shall we have a '1 2 3 Shhh!' they say? Nathaniel and I had one of those moments last Saturday as we kayaked down the Waikato River. It was so beautiful. The serenity was almost tangible. Melissa to my right in her canoe, Darren paddled not far away with Grace and Josh and our friend and chaperone Shona (yes we definitely needed a guide being virgin kayakers with a 15month old, 4 year old and a 6 year old, and with Huka Falls rushing away down stream.) Shona and her two children also 4 and 6 took up the rear with her ensuring we all were safe. Actually I've just done a head count. A group containing 2 4year olds, and 2 six year olds would not often conjure up thoughts of peace let alone the actual manifestation of it. But that is my memory I take away - calm and peaceful and oh yes a whole heap of fun. It was our private moment away from the rest of the world and hugely life giving and therapeutic for anyone who might be thinking kayaking should not be on my list of 'to dos' at the moment. As I sit here in the lounge of the beach house we are staying in at the moment, I have just had another 1 2 3 Shhh! moment. I have woken from my afternoon nap to the sound of the sea and am watching the waves crashing on the beach. Grace is still fast asleep. Darren and the boys are down at the wharf fishing. They're doing the 'hunter-gatherer' thing and are hoping to 'provide' dinner. I have sausages out just in case. Organic of course!! Anyway with the prospect of chemo sitting around the corner (possibly only 2 weeks away now) I have only just realised I have been slightly lacking in the peace department. Actually if I am truthful - panic and fear have definitely crept in and made themselves a little too comfy. I didn't realise until now that this was happening and I can't help but think this must have been a bit like Jesus felt as he made his way to Calvary. He knew that come Easter time he would die a very painful and lonely death and that he would 'choose' to do this. I feel I am 'choosing' to have chemo. I feel and look so well right now and am beginning to live quite 'normally' in a sense. I did not take a second of that kayaking trip for granted. They have told me that the chemo will be very 'aggressive' and that is hard. The decision to have chemo is based on the chance that there is still cancer. What if I am subjecting myself to chemo for 6 months when all I have is a now healthy body recovering from a huge operation? I guess emotionally it is hard to go there again with the children too. I don't want them to see their mummy being sick again. But as I sit here having this 1 2 3 moment I feel a sense of peace and a knowing that Jesus is here with me and that its ok to be frightened. I find the strength to face that fear and share it rather than go with that life long habit of shoving it back down and not dealing with it thinking I don't have to go there yet - I'll deal with it another day. The queen of emotional procrastination tricking myself (very badly) that it might just go away. That being scared is weak. I can't help but picture David and Goliath again as I turn around and face my fear I still feel very small ( a bit like the mole with the very small voice) and this cancer still feels very big. But as I write to you all and ask Jesus to help me, I see just behind the darkness of the cancer, a beautiful ray of light. Thats him - the only problem is, if I turn away from the cancer and run (as is most natural) I run away from him too. There's no other way to get to that light but through the darkness. So if feels like a different version of 1 2 3. The kind you feel when you're at the top of the bungy jumping tower. It's the 1 2 3 JUMP, kind. I'm still standing on the tower right now. I know it will be Jesus that will catch me and that I don't need to rely on a cord - in fact I'll be cutting that cord, cos once I jump, really jump, I know there's no bouncing back. I'll just be there. There being, a place of happiness and complete health. Crikey this all makes complete sense to me, but for many of you reading this, you probably think I've gone mad. I'm not sure to that end whether I'll post this update. We'll see. I do want to say that even though at times, I feel a little insane, as I continue to question what has happened to my life. I must admit as I turn and face what scares me most, I have complete moments of sanity. And with that comes acceptance and then a sense of peace that isn't just momentary- it actually stays with me. On that note, I'll go wake little Gracey. She's so gorgeous. Oops I nearly forgot. Our family was incredibly blessed to have 2 amazing angels come and stay each for 1 week of the last 2. Paula and Melissa brought with them everything our family needed. The goodbyes seem to be getting harder. Each person that comes into our house brings so much love with them it is hard for everyone, when that special time comes to an end but I know we are all the better for having it. So thankyou Paula and Melissa. Speaking of angels Michelle arrives back on Monday and her and Abby will be staying for the month of April. As we packed for this beach holiday in the rain on Thursday the forecast was not good. Rain until Sunday the day we were due to come home. Never mind I said to Darren there is always hope. It might blow over. Darren gave me one of those looks and replied "Tiffany it's over the whole of the North Island it is not going to blow over" Smiling I stuck to my guns and said "Lets just wait and see, they've been wrong before" Well here we are are. It's Saturday and the weather here in Whakatane is beautiful - hot and sunny. There is always hope and yes 'they' sometimes do get it wrong. A wonderful reminder to us all that no-one can truly predict the outcome of tomorrow. And besides being optimistic is so much more fun. Hope the sun is shining for you all too. Lots of love Tiffany xxx

Cripey its a long one !	Thu 15th March 2007 13:17
Warning ..... its a goodie. Kind of the flood after the drought. Hope you're comfy with a cup of tea.I have so much to share with you all, I'm not sure where to start.I have not updated over the past couple of weeks as I didn't have 'the words'. I do now I think. Sometimes my words seem very inadequate, as they attempt to describe feelings that are so intense. Yes despite it now being nearly 6 months since my diagnosis, the journey I am on is still full of the same feelings as in those first few days and weeks. Moments of amazing joy and overwhelming sadness. Intense fear then complete peacefulness. And always.......an appreciation and admiration for the grace and love people have shown us and continue to do often with little feedback. THANKYOU for sticking with us throughout this journey!!!! Soooo where are we up to? I am now nearly 44kg and feeling stronger by the day. A definite answer to prayers and a testimony to the great cooking of many , especially Amanda who left on Saturday having been here with us for the past month. Yet again we were blessed with someone who bought with them the love and energy of 10 people. The house sparkled, yes even all 3 toilets - no mean feat with 4 and 6 year old boys in the house. Its difficult to have a bad day when each morning I was greeted with a huge smile, 1 very green looking wheat grass and a mountain of french toast. Amanda was catapaulted back into a life with 3 small children and gave it 120% Yet again our family received so much and I am filled with love and pride for my sister as I remember back over the past 4 weeks. Never one to reneg on a promise Amanda searched high and low for pom poms so she could cheer Josh at his school triathalon. She not only survived but retained her sense of humour after a night camping out in the boys room. Nathaniel, between 2 - 5am became a series of creatures ranging from a friendly spider to a still friendly but much larger T-Rex. Hmmmmm here I was thinking Nathaniel used his room to sleep in over those hours. As for Grace she kept Amanda busy in many ways - she has now found fourth gear and is not afraid to use it! Amanda baked/cooked up a storm, before finally leaving for a well earned rest. Paula is now here for a week. She has left her 2 adorable chilren Nicholas aged 3 and Arrington 22 months in Auckland so she could come and help us . I know that speaks for itself. Melissa, another wonderful friend comes next week and the Michelle is back from Oz for a month. THANKYOU so much to all of you that offered to help us out over this time. I was overwhelmed with the response ! We really needed at this point someone who could live in, still fulltime so to speak. We now have a plan as last Wednesday Darren and I went to Auckland for appointments with our N.Z. surgeon and oncologist. These went very well. I thoroughly enjoyed the day.. strange but true.A sense of wonderful peace and that 'knowing' again, that everything was going to be just fine. We learnt alot from the surgeon. As he read the Prof's notes he was wide eyed, shook his head alot and let out many ' Oh my goodness ' type sounds. Darren, reading the signals, said to him "Big op then eh?" He responded with "They just dont get any bigger" He was amazed by how much had been removed. I have lost 3 metres of small intestine out of 5. I now have only 2.1 metres left. You need at least 1 metre to survive. I have also lost half of the large intestine and the entire peritineum lining. His take on that was "I guess if you take away the garden then the weeds cant grow. " I know this info is fairly technical and a little gruesome for some but rather than make me fearful like it would have 6 months ago instead I felt both amazed and proud of my body. What it had been through and how it now is. The timing is probably perfect for me to have received this information. I think I would have found it too overwhelming at the time. I feel stronger and healthier by the day and my oncologist was very surprised and commented on how well I looked. Both doctors were unanimous that I should have 6 months of chemo before going back to Oz for the reversal operation. They believe there is a high risk of recurrance so by prolonging the surgery they will have a better idea as to whether the cancer has returned. If it has they will repeat the op all over again. This is worse case scenario and one I do not believe I need to worry about. I feel instead that this op will give us the closure we have been praying for and that they will find no cancer at all. I am hoping this will all happen before Christmas and that this years Christmas will be alot differnt to our last. I can start the chemo as soon as I am heavy enough. I need to get up to about 48 as they feel it is likely I will lose 5kg. The oncologist also checked me for breast cancer as apparently I am at a high risk of this also. I continued to feel peaceful throughout this examination and was not surprised when he said I was fine. I feel despite the challenges and uncertainty that still lies ahead that God is carrying myself, Darren and the children and with that comes peace 99% of the time. Yes I still have fearful moments when I think "Cripey Tiffany - this is serious" Thankfully my faith and all of your prayers takes me out of that place pretty quickly. It is`replaced with a joy for life that causes me to grin from ear to ear and count my blessings over and over. I am working with a few people who are gifted in the areas of holistic healing. My fight against cancer has taken me on a wonderful path of self discovery. A journey that has been enlightening, strengthening and infinitely healiing.Dr Sam Hunkler is one of these people. I talked about him in an earlier update. He is coming to Taupo on th 21 and 22 April and running a one day course entitled A Day of Healing. He has made an amazing impact on Darren and my life and I would be happy to pass on his flyer to any of you interested. You can contact me on daztif@xtra.co.nz and I will forward the details. WOW.... hope you are still with me. I really will try and keep these updates shorter and more regular. You can know though that when they come they come from my heart. My love to you all. God Bless, Tiffany x

Boulder by Boulder	Tue 27th February 2007 21:18
A rough morning today as I hopped on the scales and to my horror they stopped at 41kg. I'd had a few rough days, having chosen to have just the one wisdom tooth removed I still was hard pushed to get my mouth open very far. I asked my oral surgeon a question with a hopeful answer in my mind. Bad idea. Always better to ask questions with an open mind. Anyway, my question was so out of a 1-10 score how tricky is this wisdom tooth and yes I was hoping for a "5" tops! Well I got a 7-8 and I guess that pretty much explained the 7-8 pain and the 7-8 immobility and swelling. But ... having said that I'd still not expected the weight loss this morning and suddenly everything seemed huge and enveloping and I really felt like David fighting Goliath. I was in desperate need of a little more amour or at best a slingshot (hope you all know the story of David and Goliath). I asked for help in many ways. I got out of bed very early promising myself I would spend the whole day (and a stunning one it has been) up and "living". I took all the kids to school including Gracey. She really could of taken a nap but I just needed to be a "proper" mum today who took her children to school. We had a terrific ride in. As we sat in traffic I looked at the beautiful backdrop of Taupo. Bright blue sky, trees with every shade of green imaginable and then I wound down the window and took a deep breath. It was beautiful and so invigorating. So often we live in the airconditioning, keeping out traffic fumes but unfortunately we also lock out the sunshine and the fresh breeze. Gods way of saying Good Morning to us. I'm going to wind the window down alot more now, let the sunshine get on my face and the wind in my hair - it felt great! As I sat enjoying the moment the peace was interrupted with Josh making a silly statement which then resulted in an outburst of laughter from everyone in the car, including Grace! Normally I would not have found it funny as it was a little silly and involved bottoms (as many 6 year old jokes do) but the sheer delight on all of their faces was contagious. Who says we cant laugh at bottoms anyway? We then continued to laugh at a range of silly topics fully enjoying each others company. By the time the school drop offs were done there was a few chinks in my armour starting to form. I then felt a real desire to see Glen (my doctor). I was still very upset about the weight loss and the helplessness of the situation. I felt I had 7 specialists, by the way I include myself in there - its me, my doctor, a nutritionist, 2 oncologists, one surgeon and the Prof each holding a piece of the puzzle but no-one was sharing (isn't that something we're supposed to learn in kindergarten?) Anyway it was a fairly raw Tiffany that entered Glens office. The usual bright eyes and welcoming smile greeted me with a "how are you?" The sadness, frustration, fear, exhaustion and p...edoffness spilled out and between tears I shared my concerns. As we talked these problems became solvable and as we worked through each one I felt incredibly grateful to have someone willing to go the extra mile. Someone who definitely knew how to share and would encourage everyone else in the group to do so. Working through his morning tea he had made contact with two other people - all three willing to go the extra mile, share and work as a team. Their expertise and concern has created a safe armour around me and as the day closes I feel a little less vulnerable and a lot more hopeful that any problem, big or small can be worked through. Its just taking it step by step, kilo by kilo. Upon reflection, "sharing" was definitely the theme of the day. Not dumping or overloading as I often felt I was doing when letting others in to my sadness. Today I experienced the love of many people as I did something that is very diffucult for me. When asked "how are you today?" I took off my happy, confident, inspirational mask and replied very honestly. Acutally today I'm tired, sad, disillusioned and overwhelmed and quite angry and with each response came not the expected look of disappointment but one of love and compassion. Thank you Wendy, Ana, Glen, Jo, Tracey, Amanda, Shawna, Jamie and last but not least Darren (he did the Sam shift) for accepting me today - sadness and all and for not judging. So many friends in such different packaging. Love you, Tiffany. PS My sister Amanda will be leaving to return to her family and job at the end of next week. We need someone to help us out everyday from March 11th for three weeks. It will be a mix of childcare and houskeeping and will be close to fulltime. It will be a paid position and we would be extremely grateful to anyone who feels they would like to help. Please let us know via the website. Cheers, Tiff.

Full of Wisdom - Until Tomorrow!	Fri 23rd February 2007 21:50
"Oh dear, I hope your wisdom teeth don't weigh anything" a friend of mine replied yesterday when I gave her my news. Yes, I am now going from surgery for a very "unusual" problem to surgery for a very "usual" problem. My wisdom teeth have been true to their name and chosen a very appropriate time to do their thing. I booked an emergency dental appointment last Saturday with my oh so lovely dentist. Do many people say that about their dentists? Anyway he's one of those people who seem to create extra time in an already jam packed day. I seem to be meeting a few of those types of people these days! Well he fitted me and my rather sore and swollen mouth in and oh yes tomorrow morning I shall be having my wisdom teeth removed. I have chosen not to have another general anaesethic and go with the more fun apporach, where you're with it but not really, all at once. Yes, everyone is lining up to pick me up, as they think I may be a great source of entertainment. I'm making light of this because things really could be worse. I do not say that lightheartedly. I know there are many people whose suffering is much greater than my own and who carry that suffering in a way that is humble and faithful. So that is what I shall be doing tomorrow as I have my wee op. I am a little concerned about the effects it may have on my eating firstly and my talking secondly. So I'm asking for prayers tomorrow at 9am that the surgery goes smoothly so that I am able to eat etc asap. I know I ask for alot of prayers - just as well we all have an infinite supply of them, eh? As for inner wisdom, I'm sure we all have an inner supply of that too so I'm not worried about the tooth going tomorrow. I'm feeling very well, still only 43kg but strong none the less. God bless you all, Tiffany. x

A Rollercoaster Week	Thu 15th February 2007 14:10
In his time, in his time ... he makes all things beautiful in his time. I continue to ride a rollercoaster of emotions where I thank God for each and every day and live every moment to the fullest. I try to be strong and am learning that in my vulnerability and fearful moments I can be strong too. Over the past few days I have received a copy of the surgeons report and those never seem to come with many warm fuzzies. It was very detailed and described the large amount of "me" that was removed during surgery. It also mentioned 3 lymph nodes that were affected. I had not been aware of this up to this point so found this information scary - another reminder of the seriousness of my condition. I also received an email from my Australian oncologist that talked about me being at a very high risk of having the cancer return within 6 months. This news teamed with a rather rough reaction to the vitamin C treatment I have been having has meant some "doubting Thomas" moments have occurred. Yes, I've asked "why me?" I've asked "when will it be over?" I've given up and announced to Darren "I just cant do this anymore!" I've bargained, bartered, threatened and begged Jesus for that miracle healing where we know beyond any doubt that I'm healed of cancer once and for all. Well despite the many words and fears not much has changed except that no matter how despairing I've been an hour later I'm able to get back up, don the boxing gloves and resume the fight. My fight for life is sooo worth it as I tuck my boys into bed and Gracey her cot. I can now also include Darren in that. Throughout this journey I have always prayed that I be here for the children as they need their mum but lately as I watch Darren bravely fight alongside next to me and hold me through those ups and downs that this man who I love so deeply needs me too. So, I've updated my prayer to Jesus; that I not only be here for 3 children but also for my husband. I think this realisation came as I explained to Josh a few nights ago why I married his daddy. Yes, if you're wondering, he asked the question. Once I'd finished explaining that I really wanted to be with his dad for ever and ever it hit home to me how much I had to lose or gain - depending on how you look at it all. And yes, even after a fairly rough few days at times I look at it all still very positively. The overall prognosis for me has always medically been a little gloomy but that is science talking not faith. And faith and hope and joy and love are not included in reports. I dont know why not as they dont just make some of the difference, they make all of the difference! Even though Darren and I dont "do" Valentines; I learnt this only a little while after meeting Daren. He, much to my initial horror, declared that he would not be told when he would be romantic and that he would choose when to send flowers, write a card, give a foot rub, etc. Well it just so happens that hes caught up on the "missed" Valentines and banked a few in advance! Over the past few months Darren has epitomised faith, hope, joy and love to me especially at those times needed most. I will probably be starting chemo in the next few weeks even though I remain at 43-44kg. I will post more details as we receive them as I would really appreciate your prayers during this time. I am trying to be positive about the chemotherapy but am really quite frightened about it still. I know if it is meant to be then I will be peaceful about it when the time comes. God Bless you all, Tiffany PS Happy Valentines Day for yesterday!! xxx PPS Amanda has arrived. Her smile, energy and TLC come in Supersize quantity. We are very blessed. Thanks to Geoff, Ben and Tim too - dont eat all those frozen dinners at once!

A tough goodbye	Fri 9th February 2007 23:28
Well Michelle has gone. Along with her beautiful daughter Abby, she flew out to Auckland this morning. Hope that shiny halo didn't cause any problems for the pilot. It was a strange day really. Coming home and seeing Abby's extra bed still made up, the bike she learnt to ride on and joined Josh and Nathaniel 'hooning' around the house on,lay out on the patio, helmet off to one side. She really did become one of the gang, taking on her two surrogate brothers as her own. Taming the testosterone levels. She really should consider working for the United Nations when she grows up. There was many a potential tussle diffused, with Abby's calm mediation. As for Grace, Abby was a big sister to her and a mini mum all rolled into one. Can you see I'm nicely avoiding talking about Michelle? Yes I can describe the ever so sweet Abby forever and a day but Michelle's a different story. Michelle left her husband and our wonderful friend Den, along with her home and life on the Sunshine Coast of Australia four months ago, on news that her friend Tiffany had been diagnosed with a terminal cancer and had been given only months to live. She came to support Tiffany,Darren who was also in desperate need of support on many levels and Joshua, Nathaniel and Grace, who were in need of someone to care for them, while their mum was in hospital getting better. She wasn't asked to come by us, but when Michelle rang with the suggestion that she come for as long as needed, both Darren and I knew she was the right person to be there, in our lives, at that time. As we thought about Michelle, her gentle loving nature, her amazing love and way with our children, her calm,self assured manner....the list went on and on, we looked forward to her coming. Within days her and Abby joined our lives, lives that, at that stage, had been completely tipped upside down and inside and out. Thinking back, it was a pretty shocked and fragile Tiffany that greeted her and Abby at my parents house, that day back in October. I wasn't Tiff at that point. I was 'Tiffany' possibly even 'Tiffany Marie'. As she gave me a hug I knew everything was going to be alright and thanked God for my wonderful friend Michelle. Well for someone who didn't think she had the words, I'm doing fairly well, if I dont say so myself. Michelle came to look after us all completely out of love. Not once did I feel the need to thank her, pay her back, make sure she felt appreciated. All those feelings of worry and guilt you get when someone is giving out of a sense of fear and duty. I never felt as though she was here because she felt like she should be. Her and Abby came because they wanted to. They gave freely to our family their love. It came in every form imaginable. From getting up at 6am to Grace, juicing my morning cocktail, lining up my meds, to doing 101 loads of washing each day and then finishing the day off by offering an evening foot rub. Actually Michelle gave any sort of massage required. If it ached, she was your lady. And yes I was one of those patients who could have kept her going full time. Michelle's one of those friends, who accepts you as you are, unconditionally.I felt loved by her, from my most joyful times, to my most sad and desperate. Thankyou Michelle for not judging. It's pretty easy, in fact almost human nature, to judge others and think what you would do and then assume that of course, is 'best'.That's one of the gifts Michelle has. She would say when it's bucketing down and you're about to go camping for the week.... Hey the weather's not bad...it's just different and out come the gumboots. People, circumstances, the weather...you name it... it wasn't good or bad - just different. Anyway I'd be up all night if I shared the lessons I've learnt from Michelle. All those who have known me for some time, know I am the most unreliable letter writer of all time. Especially all those who are still waiting for their wedding thankyous. Yes thats mine and Darrens wedding and yes we have just celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary. I did write them, they just got stuck in the 'To be sent' box! This update is now in danger of joining those unfortunate thankyous, if I make it much longer, so I shall conclude as painful as it is.It's almost like by cementing this update, I'm cementing the goodbye Michelle and closing the chapter. That's hard. But not bad. And don't worry Amanda ( for those of you who dont know Amanda is my wonderful sister and arrives this coming Tuesday for 1 month.) Some would say Michelle has left big shoes. Michelle and Abby may have left their footprints but not their shoes. There will definitely be no shoes to fill.You bring with you your own and we love you for that. We are really looking forward to seeing you next week. God Bless,Tiffany xx

My Race	Mon 5th February 2007 21:21
Every March here in Taupo there is an annual event called the 'Ironman'. It is, for those of you that don't know, the mother of all triathalons, where the athletes compete in an endurance race beginning with a 3.8km swim, followed by a 180km bike ride and finished with a 42km run - all based around the lake. Every year, us like thousands of other locals, love to go into town and watch this amazing race. I, like many others, stand there in awe of these people, thinking to myself -wow - how do these people do this, how do their bodies cope? How do they carry on and not just give up? And then, as I watch them come in to the finish line, some 10-12-14 hours later, I not only see how but why, as the look of exhiliration on their faces tells another whole story, of just how powerful the human body and spirit really is. Quite often I compare my journey to that of those training for an 'Ironman'. Today, as I sat to have my daily IV vitamin C, there across from me, sat a young woman named Lucy - soon to compete in the Ironman (or woman) '07. She was having a much smaller dose of Vit C to help strengthen her immune system. We got talking, we had alot in common I felt, as we shared our journies. As she got up to leave I felt a real admiration and excitement for her. Wishing her all the best Gillian, Kev and I (My wonderful friends from Gisbourne -Gill and Kev were also there visiting today)promised to look out for her and cheer her on. Thanking us, Lucy explained how it was for her when racing. How, often she couldn't see the people, but she could hear them cheering her on from the sidelines and how uplifting that was. I nodded, as she described that feeling . Often I cannot see you all and I have not even met some of you, but thankyou so much for cheering me on and lifting me up, when sometimes I feel like I just can't take another step. My ironman doesn't have a finish line right now. I know it's not easy being part of the support team and you all definitely don't always get the recognition you deserve. Please know that you are a huge part of my race and when I cross that finish line there is definitely going to be one very large celebration. God bless you all. Tiffany xxx ps I have to go to Auckland for tests on Thursday so we are changing the morning tea with Michelle to Wednesday at L'arte about 10ish.Look forward to seeing you there.

Life is good !!!	Fri 2nd February 2007 22:19
News flash ! This morning I weighed in at 43kg!!!!! Very exciting stuff! I was still blurry eyed from sleep so I had to hop off the scales, wash my face, then hop back on just to confirm the reading. I was sooo excited. So thanks everyone for all those special fatten up prayers and thoughts. Keep 'em rolling. We're looking for the boys to stop pointing at various bones in my body asking what they are and where did they come from. We're talking fairly basic anatomy here. My reply to Josh last week when showering with him was "That's my hip bone darling." I've taken your messages on board and you guys are right I dont need to write a mini novel if I update regularly. I have been tired by the evenings so have not had the energy for large messages so I am going to challenge myself and try and become a woman of fewer words. One of the most valuable lessons I am learning is that ALL things are possible. Have had a wonderfully busy week packed full of joy, love and lots of Vitamin C. Life is GOOD. Love you guys,Tiff xxxxx

Ground Zero	Tue 30th January 2007 11:00
Fr Alex came for a surprise visit today and brought with him his usual joy for living and highly contagious smile. I'm sure that smile may have got him into trouble once or twice when he was younger. I keep meaning to ask him. I know mine certainly did. On many occassions I was told from a stern looking face, having gotten myself into some innocent mischief at school, "And it's not funny so you can wipe that grin off your face". I'd say Fr Alex is now into his 60's-70's and he still has amazing energy and zest in abundance. He also is incredibly wise and he reminded me about one day about 5 months ago - it was only weeks before I was diagnosed. He calls it 'Ground Zero'. I went to him to ask his advice about a dream I'd had. I don't often remember my dreams - they're a bit like my jokes, the punch line often evades me. Anyway this particular dream had had a huge impact on me. I have not been close with my grandmother on my mum's side for many years. The last time I had seen her was about 8 years ago and we were not all that close as she was living in the USA. I had not really thought about her either. One particular morning I awoke to a semi-concious state, quite distressed about a dream I was having. In it I was dying and I was saying "I can't die, I have 3 small children and everything to live for". Still not quite awake I then remember saying to myself "It's OK Tiffany - you're not going to die. No one in our family dies young. All four of your grandparents lived into their late 70's, 80's and 90's. For instance Grandma Rouda was 85 when she died". Grandma Rouda is my mum's mum and as I thought about her I pictured her face very clearly. She was smiling and looked very pretty. I then awoke further and really told myself what nonsense the dream was as Grandma Rouda was the only grandparent that was still actually alive, so obviously had no relevant 'age' of death. Anyway I put the dream to one side and got on with my day. Later that evening mum rang with some news. Grandma Rouda was dying. She had only 24-48 hours left. Shocked I asked mum how old Grandma was. Mum replied "She turned 85 a few weeks ago". Amazed I told mum about my dream. Surprisingly cynical about these sort of things I decided it was too amazing a coincidence and asked Fr Alex about it the next day. I had a wonderful chat with him. It was not long after this dream that I found out that in the minds of medicine I was dying. Remembering my dream I now feel it was God's way of telling me through Grandma that it is OK and I will live to a ripe old age. Perhaps that of 85? These extreme coincidences in our lives are often God's way of communicating with us on an anonymous level. As we discussed this together, Fr Alex says he often thinks about that day. I guess we could call it my Ground Zero. My base to work from - a very reassuring one at that. Well must go, it's getting late. I start intravenous vitamin C tomorrow for 2-3 hours daily, 5 times a week. This will go on for 3 weeks and hopefully then I will be strong enough to start chemotherapy. Take care everyone. Our love to you all. God Bless, Tiffany

Thank you............	Wed 24th January 2007 23:02
Being home brings a sense of peacefulness and contentment to our family. Arriving from the airport at 7pm Monday evening was wonderful. Some angels (we seem surrounded by these) had mowed the lawns, cleaned the house, put in fresh flowers and supplies and generallly made our house feel like home. The kids were so excited. Josh, Nathaniel and Abby jumped on their bikes and have pretty much only come in for meals since then. Grace had a great explore, a little taste of stones in the garden (as you do) and luckily decided they weren't her thing. Darren had a little walk around his 'plantation' (all 5 trees that have been planted and yes at this stage they're a little taller than Darren). But hey, we all know with a little TLC, how even the smallest things grow. Michelle familiarised herself with the kitchen. Yes she's on a,get Tiffany strong mission, before she goes back to Australia in 3 weeks. As for me I've felt a rollercoaster of emotions. Deeply peaceful, as I lay in the hammock holding Grace and watching the boys on their bikes. Deeply despairing as Josh asked me to come on a bike ride with him and I sadly had to refuse. Deeply frightened, as I hopped out of the shower and looked at my thin reflection and thought about what still lay ahead. Deeply grateful, as I popped into the doctors and chemist and was greeted by such warm, supportive and smiling faces. Deeply joyful as I spoilt myself at the hairdressers - a huge outing and loads of fun. Deeply in love as Darren and I sat together, overlooking the lake, eating our takeout salads and power juices. And lastly, but quite importantly, deeply humbled as I received praise from people for coping with our journey so far. I feel humbled because I know how Tiffany herself is often devestated by the situation I find myself in. There are times when I feel far from brave and courageous. It is the strength and love from those around me that I call on then- yes that includes you guys. I believe Jesus works through every amazing person who has entered our lives since the beginning of this journey. It has given me a complete faith in the goodness of people and the power of love. "Fear knocked at the door. Faith answered. No one was there". That faith comes from each and every one of you. So I guess what I'm trying to say is, if you see anything inspirational or courageous in me, it is merely a reflection of what is there inside of each and every one of you. Thankyou for helping me keep that faith burning brightly. Loads of love and a large dose of happiness Tiffany xxxxxx

Joy in our hearts !	Mon 22nd January 2007 01:29
'Give me joy in my heart keep me praising, give me joy in my heart I pray...'For those of you unfamiliar with the above hymn it's got a really catchy tune and one I can sing my heart out to without frightening small children. As I woke up this morning and weighed in at 41.9 kg I felt gutted. Finding the joy was difficult as I've been trying so hard with my eating.Three eggs for breakfast, peanut butter on toast, cheese and crackers, pasta,pasta and more pasta all prepared with alot of love and of course a few yummy herbs. The problem is, with the type of surgery I have had, until April, when they can reverse the colostomy, I am likely to struggle with putting weight on. Because they have by-passed my bowel to give it a 'rest' my body now seems to metabolise the food too quickly. We are really praying that my weight will stabilise and then let the 'fattening' begin! I am due to start chemo when I get home but cannot subject my body to that right now so I've decided to hold off any more treatment until my body starts to really recover. I find it quite ironic sometimes that before discovering I was 'sick' I was as healthy as a horse. Hope that makes sense to you all. My weight, energy, blood, were all completely stable and now after all this 'treatment' I look at myself and think 'Oh dear.' When I am not being ironic, of course, I realise what a blessing that my very 'on to it' doctor was(and by the way still is)in our lives.He detected there was a problem on the inside, of what on the outside, appeared to be a very healthy woman. So I am grateful, just wary that my body needs a 'breather.' Despite the weight concern I have pretty much won another major battle. My pain levels are now under control with panadol and I can really stretch this out most days. 'Yee ha' says my liver and the reduced drug supply should mean a smoother trip through customs. No Class A stuff to be seen. Michelle and Darren are working hard packing for the trip. We have accumulated a fair bit of 'stuff' as you do. My swim debut at Coogie Beach was.....invigorating. The East Coast has had a very unusual current gracing its waters, directly from Antarctica by the feel of it. A chilly 15.5 degrees greeted us as we entered the very wild surf. Hand in hand Darren and I decided the swim had to be! Darrens ardent attempt to hang on to me was short lived as a huge wave came in and tore us apart, lifted me up, swished me around for a while, as those really good ones do, and then spat me back out or up I guess. I was a little disorientated, usually my stomach muscles would do a better job at helping me 'cut' through the wave. Never mind it was hugely fun and the kids were delighted. I felt energised, very alive and surprisingly, despite the workout, in no pain. Well, it must have been those endorphines, I always have been a bit of an adrenalin junkie because an hour later I definitely paid a little for my wee sea adventure.Probably not mentioned on the post surgery do's and dont's I was given.All worth it though. Yesterday saw us on an adventure to Darren's cousins Sheridans house in Avalon. A huge day that ended with a ride on their boat around the bay. A real treat for us all !!! Well, this update is turning into a wee novel and tomorrow is another big day for us all. We are all very excited about coming home. I'm sure it will be pretty emotional for us all so we may not update for a couple of days. Our bodies by tomorrow evening may be a little weary and in my case a little weak but there will be definite joy in our hearts to be home. Loads of love and warm fuzzies (particularly if Taupo's a tad chilly), Tiffany xxxxx

Sydney Zoo	Fri 19th January 2007 00:23
Every minute of our Sydney zoo trip today was awesome. Set overlooking the Sydney harbour it has magical views and lots of hills. Lots and lots of hills.Darren yet again showed us his unconditional love for me as he pushed me and then as the sun got hotter and energy levels got low, pushed both me and Nathaniel, up and down those many hills. Liz and John Mathers, people we have not met until today, but have many mutual connections with, kindly organised us passes and then an exclusive giraffe feeding. This was very special as the children were able to get very close to these magnificent animals. Even Grace joined in with gusto.It blew me away that nearly perfect strangers would go so out of their way for us and reminded me of how true the statement is 'There are no strangers only friends we havent met yet.'We have made so many new friends throughout this journey and have got to know old friends better. Yesterday afternoon the wind here became very strong making the beach unpleasant for the children so it was decided that my first swim would be in the pool and hopefully we can make it to the beach tomorrow.It was a wonderful stepping stone.The support and encouragement I got from everybody here at home,the children included, was very uplifting.The water felt great,I felt weightless,'normal'(there,s that word again).The boys were so excited,Grace .......surprised! We will try and get you guys some more photos soon.Thankyou for all your awesome messages.Each one more therapeutic than any glass of wine(or Pina Colada in Darrens case) Our love to you all, Tiffany xx P.S. Just for the record I'm not quite up to the wine yet. At 42kg I need to bulk up a little. Thankyou for those of you offering to donate kilos, a few prayers in this direction would be great.

Feel the fear and do it anyway !	Wed 17th January 2007 00:36
Living by a lake is wonderful but nothing beats boogie boarding, and then when you get really good body surfing, at Ohope beach on a hot summers day. It's a sensory overload and some of the best fun I've had with my 3 boys. A little tired this morning I opted to stay at home while Darren and Den took the boys to the beach. While they were away I imagined them at the beach remembering those family trips. As Darren walked back in about lunchtime, looking very much sunkissed, I felt an overwhelming sense of sadness and loss not just for those physical experiences but for the memories that came along with it. "I don't want our kids to remember me like this", I said between my salty tears, the closest thing I'd got to the beach that day. "This is not for ever", Darren responded reassuringly. As I calmed down I reminded myself that today was no dress rehearsal and it couldn't be repeated. I had the choice to live it to the best of my capability. So why wasn't I swimming? The wound where the drain is pretty much healed. I guess that left me with the colostomy bag. One of my main stumbling blocks in accepting my life as it is right here and right now. The kids were desperate for me to swim and I desperate to swim with them. There was no physical reason stopping me. Good old 'pride' was what was standing between me and my desire to swim and be with my family. That and a rather generous helping of fear. An assumption that others would notice and judge and then came a thought "Tiffany - who are you living your life for?" The end result was an hour later Michelle and I took my first 'walking' trip to the mall, my arrival home with a swimsuit and considering the forecast is for 29C tomorrow I reckon the scene is pretty much set. Darren and the kids are very excited. So am I - not just about going swimming but also about facing that fear and sending a bit of that pride packing, Loads of love to you all and God Bless, Tiffany XXXX

calm after the storm!	Tue 16th January 2007 00:55
I don't know how we managed to fit all the 'bargins' into the taxi and still have room for the passengers, but we did, and then we bid farewell to the last of the girls Tracey, Madaleine and Paula. As I loaded them up I could imagine how a select few items would be guiltlessly paraded for their respective spouses while the rest ( and I'm sworn to secrecy) will be covertly slipped into every day life each with it's own plausible pre-designated explanation to the inevitable question "Is that new"? As the taxi turned out of our road we all commented how much we'd miss them. They arrived like a tornado full of energy that had built as it crossed the Tasman Sea but it's winds far from being destructive brought love, laughter, compassion, laughter and more laughter. "Why don't we all catch up more often"? is the all too common parting comment at times like these and that is another huge lesson we have learnt. We tend to try and make the 'get togethers' so intricately planned that they just never happen. Thanks girls and to all our visitors, your presence has been both supportive and comfortably distracting. It's so nice to see Tiff being able to freely enjoy the company of our last visitors. Up until now she has had to put all her energy into dealing with the pain. I would look at her 'socialising' but could see she was not present, her face would be full of the concentration of a chess grandmaster as she battles the relentless opponent only she could see. We leave Sydney on the 22nd and still have a few people here to catch up with so it will be great that Tiff can fully enjoy those people too. I can finally feel Tiff is past any further set backs now and looks better each day. Her weight is now the biggest issue. She is down to 42 kgs dispite eating really well. This is not unusual apparently, and should plateau soon and then slowly rise. And of course no matter how thin she gets that smile and personality are as big and full as ever. The one 'big' outing we've all been excited about happens on Thursday Liz (friend of family) has very kindly organised a Zoo pass for us all and a 'chariot' for Tiff. It will be a huge day for her as up until now she has found a couple of hours to be her limit, it should be a great day. I don't know if they have warned the lizards Steve Irwin junior is coming. Then it will really be a final tidy up and pack before we head home (we'll have to find a recycle point as our bin has been pushed to the limit by the girl's bottles). Well I think an early night is in order to recover from the tornado so I will sign off. Love and regards.....Darren.

The Greatest Gift	Sun 14th January 2007 23:57
Grace is 13 months old today. She grins from ear to ear for most of her waking hours, she toddles around joyously discovering her world generally trying to keep up with the older three kids. Nathaniel enjoys spending most of his day as naked and free as possible and is the definition of the word enthusiastic from the moment he wakes till the moment his head hits the pillow. Josh is in wildlife heaven and announced he’d worked out which direction the world was going around in today while eating his dessert and caring for his captive lizard. How’s that for multi-tasking? It is four days off being four months since our journey began and I do not really know when it will end. Josh has stopped asking me that question. As he has also stopped insisting that either Mummy or Daddy do most things for him. Laying here tonight I listened to the busy household downstairs. Someone was helping Josh finish dessert, another bathing Nathaniel. Abby and another were following a very active one year old. The noises that floated up to my bedroom were those of such joy and happiness and team spirit that I lay having my ‘rest’ shedding a few more tears. The tear ducts I can announce are functioning at 100% despite other parts of the body still recovering. There is no quicker way to a mother’s heart than someone who loves her child, and the love my children have received over the past few months has been an extremely emotional experience for me. They have been graced and completely bathed in an ocean of unconditional love – it is both tangible and visible, with each person that enters our ‘home’ (wherever that has been) and as a result the children have been settled, happy and nourished. They now get excited about each new person that comes to stay whether it be for a short visit or a longer one. I was asked how it felt to have the children especially Grace (being still a baby) looked after by someone else and if I felt threatened by that bond. My answer comes quickly and truthfully – no. Grace will always be my daughter and me, her mummy. Ditto with Josh and Nathaniel. The acceptance that I can’t care for the children completely at the moment came easily and I prayed that they be completely happy and not suffer. It has been wonderful to see others share them and get to know them. Our capacity to love is unlimited – when we give love to one we do not take it from another. Another question Josh no longer asks me is ‘Who do you love the most?’ He knows the answer. I love you all the same, just ‘differently’. Thank you to all those special people who have loved my children through this experience. I have been showered with gifts of support and have struggled to express my appreciation adequately, but for this gift, given to my three precious children, my gratitude is completely immeasurable.

Life	Sun 14th January 2007 00:18
Hi everyone, Today was another special day – a real girly day with 2 of my favourite pastimes, shopping and dinner! Yes, Paula, Michelle, little Grace and myself hit the mall. Esprit welcomed me back warmly! My mode of travel was wheelchair, so with Gracey by my side in her pram, Paula and Michelle had great fun having races down the ramps! My wheelchair quickly became laden with shopping bags – they were hanging off every available hook and in every cranny! Eventually bags were piled high on my knee and we decided it was time to call it quits before we were lost under the mountain of purchases! Then it was home for a much needed nap for all (including the Visa cards!). After a few hours R’n’R - all the girls, Andrea, Trace, Madeleine, Paula, Michelle, myself and two special Sydney girls, Barb and Jill, left for the restaurant. Dinner was organic and delicious. The name of the restaurant was the ‘Red Squirrel’. As we all perused the menu I commented on the wonderful range of meats, one being duck – a personal favourite of Darren’s. Unfortunately, thinking to myself out loud, I had a wee Tiffany moment. There to my surprise was a dish called ‘Squirrel Bites’. “Wow you can even get squirrel” I said. I was sitting next to the wrong person to have one of my wee moments in private! Laughing, Andrea announced to the table my misinterpretation of the dish which was a range of small nibbles and dips! Does anywhere in the world serve squirrel? I would be very interested to know! Towards the end of our meal, after a lot of laughing, frivolity and yet more wonderful memories, the diners next to us asked what the celebration was…. We unanimously responded, “LIFE!”. Here’s hoping your day was a celebration of life!

Normal again???	Sat 13th January 2007 00:27
Hi everyone, a brilliant day today. My first outing as a normal person today. Can I ever use the term ‘normal’again? Probably not and neither would I want to. I am a blessed person and one that is learning to live moment to moment. When Nathaniel is a little worried or scared he says, “I’m just a bit annoyed up Mum,” so I guess prior to Tuesday that’s how I was. Tuesday I was filled with love for my precious husband and that chased some of that fear and worry away. Being discharged yesterday was amazing. I said goodbye to all the nurses ‘again’ and left the hospital determined I would not return. As I arrived back the welcoming committee of Josh, Nathaniel and Gracey was overwhelming. Gracey seems to know everything is going to be fine and she’s my constant buddy. She often wraps her chubby little arms around my neck and just rests on my shoulder. She smells sooo sweet and afterwards I feel I could run a marathon or even better, do a cartwheel! We all went to the park and beach today. I was a little unsure as to what my lasting power would be. The kids climbed trees, played soccer, swam, built sandcastles and I just absorbed every smile, hug, shriek of delight with a grin from ear to ear and an abundance of joy. I more than lasted – I felt no longer an observer but a full participant with my family. I may have had to sit in my chair most of the time but I was fully present and realized that in the past I had been physically present with my family but not always ‘truly’ present. How much we miss out on that way. Today I have also learnt to fully appreciate true friends at yet another level. Friends of compassion, comfort, joy – each wrapped in a completely unique personality. The wonderful thing with the gift of friendship is that, for all of us, it is there in abundant supply – it’s there for the taking. For me whether it comes from my three wee angels, from my very dear - if not a little crazy Kiwi buddies, or that gorgeous Pom or the Aussie girl who’s gifted the last three months to our family, (she’s an update in herself when I’m really emotionally tanked up) I’m definitely getting there. My love to you all, and as usual, our constant appreciation for your support. Love Tiffany XXXX

Tracey's ravings	Fri 12th January 2007 18:03
Hi everyone, Tracey here. Oh my….. I am writing the update and can I just say that I am somewhat overwhelmed by the enormity of the task. Overwhelmed by how totally cool it is to be ASKED and touched because I’m here. I’m here in Sydney with Darren and Tiffany and three special little people. Here with Denis and Michelle and their ‘sweet as apple pie’ daughter Abby. Usually I like to be funny but I want to write this from the heart and not lose anything. There are moments in people’s lives that are surreal, this is one of them. I’m sitting in the lounge room of this huge funky home in Sydney with Jack Johnson playing in the background. It’s hot and breezy. We’re waiting for our Indian and Thai takeaways to arrive and the conversation amongst the eight beings in the room moves easily from shopping bargains to cancer treatments to religion. There’s lots of laughing, sharing, drinking and genuine connecting. Tiffany came out of hospital today and is relieved to be home. She’s home and home is where Tiffany belongs. Home is where she needs to be. With her family who are soooo cool. Grace really clung to her mum when Tiffany arrived home today, she knew the unit was complete again, Mummy was home. Is Tiffany the same friend I met at Teachers College? No. Is she the same cider swilling buddy I lived with in London? No. I think her time in Gwynn Valley was soul exposing, I think she found out a lot about her potential as a person at camp. But this, all this, this is obviously life changing. This is how it is and Tiffany is doing it her way, the right way for her and Darren. So Paula, Andrea, Madeleine and I believe we will leave Sydney with more than we arrived. Thank you for letting us be here.

Home tomorrow ?	Thu 11th January 2007 01:18
Tiff is feeling much better today but the drains don't seem to be working properly and after ANOTHER scan there is still fluid around and Tiff had to have the drains flushed this afternoon. They will re-evaluate the situation tomorrow. She had a great afternoon with 'the girls'. I don't want to worry the respective spouses but they have already hit the retail sector of Sydney, and I could barely make my way across the hospital room for all the bags. And this was on a day they were considering more of a reconnaissance mission than a hard out shopping spree. Michelle is spending the nights with Tiff which is a great comfort. I'm so drawn when its time to go, looking forward to getting home to settle the kids and longing to stay with Tiff. I hate wishing away time but just want us all back together - fingers crossed for tomorrow. Love and God bless, Darren

In sickness and in health	Tue 9th January 2007 23:42
8 years ago today I married a beautiful, honest, strong and courageous man full of faith. As we shared our wedding vows......particularly the 'in sickness and in health' part little did we both know what was in store for us. 8 years later, Darren, after 3 and a half months of caring for me and our 3 beautiful young children, made those words spring to my mind. The other night I was in pain and restless. He suggested I have a bath. There was many legistics to get around as I was not up to doing this for myself. "It'll be great for you Tiff. Just try. I won't leave you". He then spent the next half an hour by my side supporting me every step of the way. As he helped my frail body into the bath (which by the way felt amazing) I looked up at him and the kindness and love in his eyes was immeasurable. Later as I lay exhausted he helped me dress my wounds. I said to him "Who ever thought 'in sickness and in health' would've meant this eh"? Never would we have experienced this level of love in our 8 years of marriage had it not been for this challenge we face. I am realising how important my physical stength has always been to me and as it gets stripped away, I see this day as a very special mark of where our marriage has come to. The uncondional love we have for each other, an amazing gift from God. So today I am thankful. On a lighter note I am feeling much better. The drains seem to be doing the trick and I am having 'real food' brought in, so I can try and gain some weight. Paula, Tracey, and Andrea (3 close friends) arrived today and we have had a lovely time catching up. My pulse rate went from 65ish to 98 - the nurse said I was probably just a bit excited. I have another CT scan (perhaps I should invest in my own machine) tomorrow morning and hopefully fingers crossed and with lots of prayers the fluid collections will disappear and I can go home. Thanks for all your messages - you guys are such an amazing support to us as a whole family. We read Joshua's messages to him and he gets a very 'chuffed' look on his sweet little face. I know for many of you it is difficult to write as you feel you don't have the right words. There really are no 'right' words. Each and every one of you truly is a gift in our lives. Every message gives us that bit of extra strength. There is no quantifying, measuring or comparisions made. Each of you are unique and we love you heaps. God Bless Tiffany xxxx

two steps forward,one back.	Tue 9th January 2007 00:43
Hey freinds,well to cut a very long story short Tiff ended up being re-admitted today.After looking at todays scans Dr Chu decided that Tiff should have the fluid build up in her abdomen drawn off as this is a major cause of the pain she is experiencing.We didn't realise how involved this would be,they had to push two drains through her tummy guided by x-ray and she will need to stay in hospital for two-three days. Very demoralising for everyone but Josh took it the worst as we told him we were only going for a scan and then mummy did't come home again. No words of wisdom tonite or emotional musings I'm afraid,all a bit flat here. Thanks again for your messages,they have once more raised our spirits just when needed.I realise this is not easy reading at times but as always we resist the temptation to 'pretty' things up. Its very hard being apart again but hopefully this will speed Tiffs recovery in the long term. Better news is on its way I'm sure,love ......Darren

Tough times	Sun 7th January 2007 13:08
Pretty tough going at the moment for everyone, hence the lack of updates.Tiffs progress has stalled and the frustration builds each day and she is becoming emotionally and physically fatigued and in turn Michelle and I as much as we try not to be, are very affected.Tiffs weight is now down to 44kg and her pain is still more than the Prof is happy with.We saw him again today and he wants her to have another C.T. scan tomorrow so more fasting,yucky drinks and injections for Tiffs body to endure.He thinks maybe the infection is very deep and she may need some fluid drawn off although we dont know exactly what that means. Tiff tries to spend as much time up with the kids as possible but gets tired so easily that she enevitably spends most of her time resting and sleeping,but then by the evening the pain and tiredness reaches a stage where she finds it difficult to settle. The Prof is away for two weeks and so we are now under his 2i.c. Frank Choo and will meet him tomorrow.As a parting gesture of encouragement the Prof did point out again that most people are still in hospital at this stage after Tiffs type of surgery. So we'll keep going and try to be as strong as we can for Tiff.We cant pretend to know what Tiff is enduring but also dont think we should beat ourselves up or feel guilty for having our own stuff,besides,the stiff upper lip thing is pretty transparent. Love to you all and hopefully chearier news not too far away. Darren

another hospital visit	Fri 5th January 2007 22:44
Tiff had a lot of pain again last night and two of her wounds were obviously infected. So another trip down the well worn track to the hospital was made again today. The Prof wasn't overly worried about it and after a quick consultation and a script for some antibiotics we were on our way. Tiff's frailty makes even this type of trip very taxing and it is very hard to watch my previously fit and healthy wife struggle with a hundred yard walk along a Sydney side walk. But as always she did it in her uncomplaining way and with that smile we all know and love contantly beaming and with that all the frailty is gone and an amazing strength is evident that cannot be suppressed by physical limitations. The afternoon went well before we said our farewells to Lisa and then Tiff went to bed this evening much more comfortable and so she will hopefully have a much more restful night. Speaking of which I had better go to bed as my beautiful night buddy will be calling me through the monitor soon for her bottle. Love and God bless to all Darren. Note - we have had a problem with the site and I was unable to send this message last night.

Michelle's Musings	Thu 4th January 2007 01:05
Hello everyone - Michelle here. I am the one who usually types the updates that Darren and Tiff write (usually around 10.30 or 11pm with a few wines under my belt, so I take responsibilty for any mistakes). Incredibly Abby and I have been with the Tiplady's since the middle of October. Now we are into a new year - I joke that I may as well give up 2007 and just move to NZ. For those of you that don't know myself and my daughter (Abby 5) moved in to help with the family when Tiff returned to Taupo after her second operation. It was very hard a first - I realised how easy my life in Coolum was with my one child and very part time job (don't tell Den I had it easy). It was a shock to the system to suddenly look after 4 children and Tiff recovering from her op. Darren is actually a pretty good multi tasker for a man, but he got thrown into work. I would fall into bed exhausted and yes... I began to give the juicer mean looks. We got into a routine and although each day was a challenge it got easier. We are now back to square one with Tiff recovering from a third op. People are always telling me how amazing I am to be doing what I am doing -to tell the truth I have gotten and continue to get a lot out of this experience. Some days are hard and I miss Den, but I enjoy being here and have learnt new things everyday about life and myself. We all know Darren and Tiffany are special people, but I am constantly moved and impressed at how they deal with this stressful situation with calmness, peace and love. I am not saying they are annoyingly nice all of the time - but they are real and they are honest and they are good. Tiff has had her ups and downs but has an incredible attitude as you all know. I love watching her spending time with each of the children - she alway knows exactly what they need. I know she feels helpless sometimes and wants to do more with them, but they are happy just to be near her. I thinks she is way too thin, but am trying not to obsess about it. It hurts me to see her thin arms and legs. She is slowly getting her appetite back and I was very happy to hear her ask for her almonds tonight. Everyday as Tiff gets stronger and I look forward to our walks up the big hill - and I look forward to watching each others boring videos of our grandkids when we are 65 or so. Love to all, Michelle

Final day at hospital	Wed 3rd January 2007 00:13
Quite a big day for Tiff - the Prof wanted her to have another CT scan and blood test, so we again made the journey to the hospital. One of Tiff's biggest challenges is coming to terms with the colostomy bag and especially this initial settling down period when it's quite noisy. While we were in the waiting room it made quite a loud example, the sort of noise that would normally require a change of clothes. Tiff looked a little anxious and as the lady next to us glanced over her magazine I said "excuse me" and Tiff and I had a bit of a laugh. Tiff had to drink a huge beaker of some repulsive looking concoction followed by more injections, then into the CT machine. From there it was up to have blood tests and more injections. Then a goodbye to all the amazing nurses at the ward where Tiff stayed. It was really lovely as most of those who looked after her were there. We got a photo and so it should appear at some stage. They truely are a dedicted team of people who exude passion for their work. Tiff is looking pretty thin again but both her body and spririt are gaining strength steadily now and she has her humour back in full swing - mainly at my expense. Our hospital trip finished with a visit to the Prof so he could peruse the scan. A quick look and he said "That's great, you don't need me now, buzz off and I'll see you in April" (for the stoma reversal) and with that we were gone. Had a lovely evening of laughs with Lisa and Michelle - Den arrives next week ( to add some well needed testosterone to the environment) and it will be great to catch up with him again. Lisa heads home on Thursday and then four of Tiff's girlfriends arrive for a few days on the 9th - it's quite exciting waking up and wondering who will be in the house that day! Thanks as always for all your amazing support - love and regards - Darren. P.S. I am looking forward to spending many happy hours on my porch watching all these ladies cartwheeling!

Happy New Year	Mon 1st January 2007 23:29
Happy New Year everyone. Something changed in me this afternoon and I now feel recharged and more like myself. I lost myself for a few days there. I felt stripped and vulnerable and a deep sense of sadness and grief. Coming out of the hospital kind of accentuated it as I struggled to fit back into my family. I lost 4kgs between Friday and today and I felt weak and raw on both a physical and emotional level. I have always prided myself on being able to snap myself out of it,and therefore felt frustrated and disappointed with myself that I couldn't. I remember being in labour with Josh and the midwife come to check on me about 10pm. We talked for about 20 minutes. She then said "Take a couple of panadol and have a bath then go to bed. This baby is not coming for the next 24 hours". Sure I was about to have the baby I wouldn't believe her words. I glanced at my fully packed bag and said, "Oh no, I'm sure the baby's coming. She gave me the it's your first baby talk and besides you don't seem to have a contraction since I've been here. "Oh yes" I replied. "I've had 4 or 5". "Impossible" she said, "You haven't stopped talking". Anyway she left entirely confident in her prognosis and Josh was born 1 and a half hours later, with no pain relief and just about in the back seat of the car. Sitting, resting, observing, taking it easy have never been my strong points and at times lately have been partly soul destroying, but also I can now see they are the vehicle for me to reach beyond the physical me and ask myself "Who am I"? Well can't say I've answered that question completely but I can say that by giving myself time and being gentle with myself I am starting to rebuild and discover a new appreciation for both myself and those in my life. I needed to grieve for the old me. That process felt kind of dark and hopeless and just too intense. The light didn't seem clear, until I read an email from my Aunty this afternoon where she somehow seemed to hit the nail on the head as to where I was at. I replied to her that she had described exactly how I was feeling. Alone and scared despite the huge volume of love around me. Completely weak and not at all inspirational. That acknowledgment clicked a switch. The cloud kind of lifted and I seemed to belong again. I felt happy to be sitting with the kids as they ate dinner and I felt energised and joyful. Tonight as I sit here with a glass of wine I realise time and love have begun the healing process. Thankyou guys for your wonderful support and New Years Wishes. I challenge you all to do something purely for fun this year. I personally am going to learn to cartwheel. May sound easy to some of you but a skill I've never been able to master and definitely a challenge besides alot of fun for both myself and my teacher. Any takers on the position. Take care everyone. Lots of love, Tiffany xxx

A message from Lisa	Mon 1st January 2007 08:56
I lay on the warm concrete next to my nephew Josh as he stared intently into the flax bush. There it is I whispered. As quick as a flash his little hand swept over the leaves and finally he was rewarded for his hour of patience. He had caught the quick lizard. He smiled at me as we both triumphed in his catch. My reward was spending an hour with Josh. The two of us on a street in Coogee. We had gone on a lizard hunt and came across this flax bush. He knew it was the perfect home for lizards so I followed his lead as he got on his hands and knees and peered into the bush. Before I knew it I was actually laying on the concrete. How free I felt as New Years Eve party goers had to walk over the two of us. Some stopped and asked what we were doing. We both looked up and whispered Lizard Hunting........ Today has been a day of high and lows. My bedroom is right next door to Grace's so when she awoke at 5:30am I had the pleasure of getting her up. I took her back to my bed for a while and she pulled apart my wallet. I took delight in having her to myself. We then went upstairs and as I later learnt Grace had her first experience of toast with jam. 10am saw us at mass. Today being the feast day of the Holy Family. I sat with Nathaniel on my lap a little wiggly but oh so precious. As the Priest did his sermon on the importance of family and challenges we face I felt tears run down my face. The emotion came from seeing my gorgeous sister on her first outing surrounded by Darren, the children, myself, Michelle and Abby. We came home from Mass for some swimming pool time and then we all had naps. As a special treat Darren and Michelle took the children to Coogee Beach for a fireworks display. The trip was a success and they made seats in the sand. They all enjoyed the display and arrived home at 10pm with 3 very tired children. Tiffany has had a rather flat day coming to terms with her passionate want to be the active Mum she has always been. As we all no Tiff is no bystander. It is not her style to watch from the couch. Tiffany is also coming to terms with the side effects from the surgery. Time will heal. I was asked to do the update tonight as Darren and Tiffany are emotionally spent. I will always treasure this time I have had with the Tiplady's and would like to thank them for being honest and sincere. I have done alot of growing in the past few days and I will be taking alot home with me (don't worry Scott I don't mean shopping lot). Happy New Year to all and a special Happy New Year to our close family not with us tonight Denis, Scott, Laura, Ashleigh and Sophie. Love Lisa xxx

Good day	Sun 31st December 2006 00:07
Hi all- much better day today, Tiff woke after a good night sleep with me (and Josh!) Tiff had three quarters bed, Josh and I the rest. The weather here is being kind - the days are really nice and the nights not too warm. She has eaten well and has had no problems, so I think it was just a minor hiccup (excuse the pun). Josh also had a good day, he's a real nature boy and spends nost of his day catching the little lizards which proliferate this area. Most are observed, detained for a while in a tupperware container then released unharmed, although there are a few casulties. He absolutely loves it and spends literally hours out there at an average catch rate of about 1 every 2 hours! Nathaniel keeps everybody entertained with his great spirit, you just cannot be down with him around. Grace is just the perfect baby. Always happy and quite content exploring her new world on foot as she has now become a very confident walker. Tiff's mum flew home today and her sister Lisa is now here until next Thursday so it will be great for all to catch up. Michelle and Abby continue to be the perfect extended family and are a constant amazing support for us all. So all in all a really good day and our beautiful Tiff was able to enjoy the whole thing with very little discomfort. Yesterday seems a distant memory and tomorrow will be better for Tiff again I'm sure. Love and God bless, Darren

Home	Fri 29th December 2006 23:23
It was a bit of a mixed day for Tiff. Leaving the hospital was fantastic but then I think the emotion of it all and the physical exersion took its toll and her afternoon and early evening has not been good. She experienced a lot of pain and discomfort and finally vomiting, which can be a sign that the bowel is not working. She rang the Prof and he said that we shouldn't worry at this stage but if she continues to have trouble through the night we should go back to the hospital. This would not be a major set back but definately a psychological one for Tiff I'm sure. At the moment she has settled for the night and looks comfortable but we need those prayers again. Again Josh has suffered most as I'm sure its not the homecoming he'd imagined. I really feel for him but we both believe he is better to be here. I would love to be giving you all brighter news of Tiff's first full day home but her recovery so far has probably lulled us into invisaging smooth problem free recovery all the way. Sorry if I sound a bit flat but I haven't hidden any emotions so far and cannot do so now. I think we all need a good nights rest and deal with whatever tomorrow brings. Goodnight all, thanks in advance for all the prayers - they have worked wonders til now. love and God bless Darren.

Homeward Bound	Thu 28th December 2006 23:16
I woke up this morning excited about my 8am op. Strange but true. Removing the port that fed the chemotherapy felt like such a gigantic step forward. As I followed the same process as I did at the same time of the day 12 days ago I happily showered with the highly antiseptic shower gel, removed all my jewellery - except my precious wedding rings (they were taped) doned the OSFA blue gown. Had Lisa do my hair - a very therapeutic thing to do pre-op and wiated to be taken down to theatre. The aneathetist came and was very excited also to see me looking so well. She actually referred to my progress as amazing. The nurse then came in to weigh me. Wait for it........ I entered the hospital 12 days ago at 52kgs. With having only eaten small meals for the past 2 days and nil prior to that and being of the understanding that the average weight loss for this operation is 10-15kgs the 3 of us could not believe the measurement showing on the scales. Today I weighed in at 52kgs! In doubt we checked the scales by Lisa jumping on and sure enough they were accurate. No wonder I feel so good. How are those prayers and positive thoughts eh! The Prof came in next all gowned up with the consent form for me to sign and I could barely contain myself. "Guess what?" I said, grinning from ear to ear. "What?" he replied. On hearing the news he admitted that was very, very good. "Go on, I said to him, say its amazing". "Alright then, he said, thats amazing". "I guess thats one of the miracles I've been waiting for" I said. "Actually Tiff" he said "you may just be the miracle". It was one of those bonding feel good moments where I should've given him a hug. I'll make sure I do that tomorrow. He is an amazingly dedicated man who works 365 days of the year. Oh yes, he even came in Christmas Day with a smile to light up the room and then told me he was off to theatre next. I said to him then "You really love it don't you?" "Oh yes" he said as he waltzed out wishing me a happy day. Anyway the lead up to theatre was wonderful. At 8:15am I was asleep and by 9:00am awake in recovery. I've had a very relaxed day, a little dozy at times. Darren and Nathaniel came in as Josh spent the day at a friends house who has recently moved here. Small world. Nathaniel, my beautiful middle child, who so often steps back to let others have a go with Mummy, spent most of the day playing games, singing, cuddling and hanging out with the adults. He only let my chair back once and again there was no damage.There is something about those levers that prove irresistible to a 4 year old. Tomorrow I go home and we'll all be together again. Thanks again for your support my speedy recovery can be put down to each and every one of you. Lots of love and God Bless. Tiffany xxx

Home soon	Thu 28th December 2006 00:54
Tiff had another good day and spent quite a few hours here with us all. Tomorrow at 8.00am she has to have another op under general anesthetic so they can remove the port which they fed the chemo through. It should be quite a straight forward op and there is still a chance she could be 'home' on Friday. Josh had his turn at having a rough day today. Being the oldest he definately does the most thinking. He just wants his mum out of hospital. Lisa arrived yesterday and spent the day with Diana getting Tiff a new wardrobe at the sales. All went well and Tiff was very pleased with the booty. They managed to again keep the cleaning staff busy as Diana spilled her smoothie drink all over Lisa in the middle of a clothes shop. We continue to be very moved by all the messages and can't thank you enough for all your support. Love and God bless, Darren

Home is where the heart is.	Tue 26th December 2006 23:21
A visit to our home here in Sydney. Home is definitely where the heart is. I awoke this morning to a gorgeous day here in Sydney. I had decided I wanted to venture out of the hospital to Coogee a suburb about 20 minutes away where the children are staying (their present home) and pay them a suprise visit. The Prof came in for his daily round beaming from ear to ear professing he was only going to operate on 20 to 30 year olds from now on. He said my progress was fantastic and once they removed the port from below my breast (a tube stitched in that had been used for the chemo) I could go home. My Sydney home that is. One that I had not seen until today but I strangely enough craved and couldn't wait to get to. It was where my beautiful family and my heart had been whilst I have been in hospital. As I walked slowly out of the hospital it felt great to leave the air conditioning behind and be surrounded by fresh air and warm sunshine. I took a deep breath and feeling very excited we made the drive to the house. Opening the front door I could hear the shrieks of laughter and knew I was home. As I appeared in the lounge Josh shouted out Mummy and ran into my arms for a cuddle. Nathaniel approached more quietly and asked almost in a whisper "Are you better?" "Nearly darling". I responded giving him a gentle hug. Gracey came walking over me grinning holding her arms out to me stopping at my feet and calling to be picked up. I found it very hard not to pick up my gorgeous girl but short of causing a riot with the other protective adults in the room I allowed her to be passed to me as I sat down. I spent the next 2 hours watching the children in their temporary home. Josh was very content catching lizards in the garden. Nathaniel playing in his teepee, a gift from his Aunty Amanda (I wonder how that will travel home) and Grace was content to hang out with Mum. I fed her with much delight and then as she got tired had the privilege of sitting in her darkened room and giving her a bottle. Darren of course remained near but it was her and my private moment. As she snuggled into me the tears streamed down my face and I whispered to her how much I loved her and missed her and that I'd be home soon. Darren looked up and saw me crying. I wiped the tears away and he said "Its O.K Tiff, Grace is fine with you being sad". He was right. She was completly O.K. As I said goodbye to them my heart felt a little heavy but knowing that its just a matter of days till we're together again I felt alot better. Lisa - my breath of fresh air sister arrived today and is with me tonight. I am sure we will create some wonderful memories together while she is here. My love to you all. God Bless, Tiffany

time	Tue 26th December 2006 00:13
Our families present today was time.Tiff was able to leave hospital and we had our Christmas meal on the balcony of the cancer units next to the hospital.The meal was much less extravigant than usual and the gifts far more simple but the time was the most prescious gift.It cost nothing, and has always been avaliable for us to give,not really a ground breaking or profound discovery but this year we 'get it' more than ever.As I sat and watched Tiff with the sun on her face and with a look of complete happiness and contentment as she had time with her family and friends I realised no gift I've ever bought her or anybody for that matter has produced that reaction.The other thing about this gift is that it doesn't require batteries,doesn't need hours of preparation and then burn,can be shared by all the kids at the same time,doesn't have those really annoying plastic strips attatching it to its packaging that take til Boxing day to remove,does't even require the other person to be awake!{quite handy with Tiff at the moment and for all the families whose hunter gatherers drift into unconsciousness by mid afternoon.} Josh asked me what direction the hospital was in as I tucked him in last night and then blew a kiss to his mum.I couldn't give him the gift he wanted then but he got it today,I hope you all gave and received the same one. Tiff did so well to get up and out today but I think she is paying for it a little tonite,she has felt quite sick and had a lot of pain.They have had to put an I.V. back in and shes received a lot of medication again.I guess time is not always "free" but I'm sure she would say it was a bargain.Its so hard to see her suffer even though she is so brave,I can remember always being in awe at the Ironman competitors{a multisport endurance event held in Taupo}and wondering where they get that mental strength from and I get that same feeling for Tiff as she competes in this seemingly endl ess endurance event. I am sleeping in Tiffs room tonite and again I will treasure that time. Love to you all,Darren

Christmas Eve: Thankfulness	Mon 25th December 2006 12:19
As I woke this morning it took me a few moments for reality to dawn and remember where I was and what day it was. I struggled this morning and felt a deep sadness, desperately wanting to be with Darren and the children. After some teas, some hugs and some more tears I struggled into the shower. There I gave myself a talking to: "Tiffany, you are in charge of your day!" I made myself list all the things I was thankful for. I started with the warm water pouring over me - cleansing and refreshing. Then I moved on to all the amazing people in my life and the opportunity I had been given through them to be here. By the time I had finished my shower, I not only had smooth legs but a much better attitude. As Amanda and Mum fussed over me, I felt incredibly grateful. Later the children came and Nathaniel took me for a ride in the bed - a sort of up and down ride - the kind that you don't really expect. There you go: another thing to be thankful for - I always have been a bit of an adrenalin junkie. We then strung popcorn with the children and sang 'Jingle Bells' together. On "Hey!" I had to breathe using a ball machine. The top score is a 3. Until today I'd only achieved a 2, but as the children shouted "Hey!", it shot to a there, so there you go! Anyway I won't keep you on Christmas Day - a time where FAMILY TIME is so precious. I hope you all smile, laugh and sing a lot today and have many things to be thankful about. Merry Christmas from us all here in Sydney. Love you guys, Tiffany.

leading male	Sun 24th December 2006 02:38
Hi everyone,afraid you have me tonite as Tiff is a bit tired,probably all the laughing at the comments the new movie spin has generated.Personally feel you are all pretty onto it as to my actor but obviously whoever gets the role has got some serious ab work to endure, I reckon three Mars Bars a day for a couple of months ought to do the job,although if any of the suggested actresses get the role I think I'll just play myself. Tiff has had a great day and looked her beautiful self this morning + + + as Amanda had the salon in full swing early.Amanda leaves tomorrow but Diana is more than capable of carrying out all hair and make-up requirements until Lisa arrives after Christmas.Tiff was much more comfortable without having to endure the chemo today.The Prof was very impressed with her progress and said he expected his initial estimate of three weeks in hospital should be significantly reduced.He really is a dedicated man and visited us after performing two liver surgeries today.All the staff here are great too and we have a lot of laughs with them. Tiff has now officially had the o.k. to start on clear fluids as her bowel is working very well.A couple more tubes could come out tomorrow then she may even be able to get into her own clothes. Thanks as always for the messages,we would love to respond to each and every one but as well as the notes you see, we get at least the same amount posted as "private" and so as you would appreciate it is impossible to.We would also encourage you to put your messages out there if you can,this whole thing has become so much bigger than us now and your feelings and thoughts provide inspiration to ALL who read them.We have often talked about how we can 'pay this forward' but it has become obvious this has already started.This site is a very pure demonstration of the human spirit giving freely and unconditionally.It sometimes seems easier to write things down than to speak them but the difficulty comes in pushing that 'send' button but as you do you shout those feelings to all of us and I thank for that bravery,the more true and honest you are the more vulnerable it leaves you.I'm quite sure though that in giving you are also receivng and how amazing does that feel!I think that a lot of the emotions felt whilst reading all your messages are not only generated by Tiffs situation but because you are also seeing people pouring out these emotions that we are all normally far too self conscious and scared to publicly demonstrate....Thanks Tiff,Thanks everybody.Would also encourage all you silent readers {you know who you are!}to get involved,trust me its very liberating,like taking your emotional clothes off! P.S. has anybody considered what we will do when Tiff gets better and this site is no more?Because whithout this, these great feelings couldn't possibly be continued to be felt,passed on and propergated.......could they? P.P.S. to all my 'bloke' mates,don't panic I still enjoy a beer and the rugby and talking rubbish.You may just want to avoid the passing "hows it going" pleasentry unless you want an honest answer and have an hour to spare! Love and God bless to all Darren.

Shining Star of Bethlehem - Or is that Hollywood?	Fri 22nd December 2006 23:36
As I awoke this morning to a loud groaning sound coming from the corridor I turned to Michelle (my sleep over partner for the night) laying on the stretcher bed next to me. Oh dear someone doesn't sound very well I said to her. Michelle having heard the sound, quickly glanced out the corridor and relpied that was actually one of the nurses! We both started to giggle and then felt sad for her thinking the night shift must have been a long one. Despite the lack of uplifting morning sounds, a traditional one being birds chirping, we both managed to start our day with a smile. Everyday is a blessing and as I take the opportunity to reflect on mine I do feel truly blessed. I had my last lot of chemo today - yipee!!! Onward and upward from here. Hopefully tomorrow I will lose a couple more tubes so I can cuddle the children more freely. Darren asked my surgeon for my ETD today, saying to the Prof, you're allowed to be "cautiously optimistic" (surgeons love that sort of terminology). He would not give one - he said he wanted to be sure there would be no setbacks so there's a challenge for me! I'm thinking for the New Year - what do you reckon? It would break a few records but hey I'm never going to make it on the Silver Ferns Team (a secret long term goal) so maybe this could be my claim to fame! My Aunty Claire who lives in the States said the website should be copywritten because as soon as Hollywood caught hold of it there'd be a movie or book or something. So we now have a large poster in my room here at St George and as people come in they're allowed to peruse through the magazines and choose who they'd like to play their part. So ... if any of you wonderful people have a preference you'd better "bags" your actor/actress! As Christmas draws closer and we plan for Santa to arrive for the children I pray the same wish over and over, that I will have an abundance of TIME to create many happy memories with my beautiful family and friends. I pray that for all of you too; that we all start the day with a smile and finish it with being incredible grateful for what we have. Loads of love for this special season, God Bless Tiff.

A day of highs and lows....	Thu 21st December 2006 23:27
A day of extreme highs and lows today. I woke at 4am this morning to the worst pain I have experienced thus far. My temperature had spiked to 39.5 and I had a building pressure in my chest cavity due to the chemo clamps that had been in for the previous 12 hours. Too unwell to move I whispered to Amanda next to me to please press my buzzer and call a nurse. Amanda did, and was at my side straight away. Scared and short of breath I lay there in tears as she stroked my forehead and talked reassuringly to me. I then began to release wind into my colostomy bag and felt such a deep sense of shame as well as pain. Worried she asked to look and I vulnerlebly agreed lifting up the sheet, thinking how disgusting and unlovable I felt. She had a look at the bag surrounded by a swollen tummy covered in stiches and staples and then looked at me - her sister Tiffany with no regard to the less than beautiful sight in front of her. "I love you Tiff, you're so beautiful". The love I felt pushed out all the shame, disgust and anxiety and we smiled at each other. The nurse walked into the room to see me bawling, a part of it was from the unconditional love I was experiencing and the other from the excruciating pain I was in. As the nurse emptied the colostomy bag I whispered to Amanda "It smells" - "I have just the thing", she replied as she reached under the small Christmas tree in my room, grabbed the present she had bought for me that day, unwrapped it and said "You can have this early". It was a lavender room spray, totally a-la-natural. With a few subtle sprays the room smelled great - a gift of love I will never forget (fancy having that on her, I swear she must have been the only one of us girls to be a girl guide). An emergency phone call was made to the Prof at 4.30am - poor man he must never sleep. He ordered some knock out pain killers and urgent blood tests. (The blood tests came back clear). After a visit from him at 7.30am I am much on the improve - he gave me a choice to have a break from the chemo which was obviously playing havoc with my insides. A precautionary CT scan was done - it came back clear so I decided to persevere and have the chemo. I am now down to NIL, NIL, NIL by mouth not even water for the next couple of days. Bring on that turkey broth. Love really does heal and conquer all fear. After a rocky start I had a very happy and peaceful day. My love to all of you, Tiff xx

5 days till Christmas and a Good Feed!	Thu 21st December 2006 00:37
Hello everybody - greetings from my hospital bed. We had an awesome day today. My nasal tube was removed this morning and I had a very refreshing shower. I wanted to look good as the kids were coming in for the second time. The first time hugging and kissing were kind of awkward as there was more tubes than skin. So I'm sitting in the shower and decide to attempt to shave my legs. The nurse walks in and laughs saying this was a first. One of her patients shaving on Day 5 with every machine possible attached to their torso. She said most had hair sweeping the floor before they attempted shaving! I replied laughing "a girls gotta do, what a girls gotta do! Wait till you meet my sister Amanda she'll turn room 224 into a beauty salon - any skin she can get to will get a once over." Speaking of Amanda she arrived today only just. Apparently while having an allergic reaction in Auckland she reached for the wrong small white pill and took a sleeping tablet instead. She woke having arrived in Sydney completely out to it. I figure shes in a safe place here with me now though she has got the night shift -I best not go into to deep a sleep.I asked the nurse who is Zimbabwian for a pen to write this update. She looked at me confused and arrived back a few moments later and proceeded to lift the sheets and then insert a large bed pan under my legs. "What are you doing I asked?" "I thought you asked for a bed pan" she replied. I laughed and said "but I have a cathetar and a colostomy bag". She laughed also and said I thought you asked for a pan not a pen. She leant me her pen, removed the bed pan and came back an hour later to say goodnight. "How's the pen" she asked, "its great thanks do you want it back" I said handing her the blue object I was holding. She laughed once again, shook her head and said "no, no hows the PAIN!" How they get along in Zimbabwe when one sound can have so many meanings must make for interesting communications! The surgeon came in this morning and I asked him with a grumbly tummy, so are we moving on from clear soup today? He responded looking very pleased with himself that the clear soup had been a mistake and he hoped I'd enjoyed it as there was to be nothing else for 4 days. So I guess that brings us to Christmas Eve, my first scheduled liquid feed being Christmas Day, bring on the Turkey Soup - minus the Turkey. Enjoy your days and your families leading up to Christmas, my love is with you all. God Bless, Tiffany.

Op + 3 days	Tue 19th December 2006 23:46
Generally a much better day for Tiff.Pain levels are good and she had her second course of chemo today.One slight hitch in that Tiff has developed a blood clot in her right arm which has become very swollen.In itself it is not a major problem but the doctors are concerned it may move.They have scanned it and have given her some drugs to hopefully desolve it.I spent the night with Tiff which was lovely and I didn't dare complain that the chair I was given was very uncomfortable,dont think I would have received much sympathy!! My days are spent trying to go between the boys and Grace and the hospital,the transport system is fantastic and I have been using trains and buses for the first time in years and am quite enjoying it actually.It gives me great pleasure each morning to catch peoples eye and smile,I found this got mixed reactions,most pretened they didn't see it.Lately I have been really pushing the limits and have actually had the audacety to say "good morning".I reckon about 1 in 10 look relieved and respond but the rest are either completely confused or absolutely horrified!There are a few real tough cookies who get on with dark glasses on and ear phones blaring so I'm considering hug shock therapy treatment for these cases. As I finish this latest dispatch in Tiffs room she is sleeping soundly,we have just read your latest messages and they always give us both such comfort.She is healing incredibly well and had some clear soup today which is way ahead of schedule.All the nurses keep saying she looks so well.We just need a few prayers on the thrombosis thing...I know you're all already taking care of it. Thanks again everyone,I can assure you we check this site more than anybody.Glad the response to the photos was so positive.Tiff was adament you all have the opportunity to be with us all the way but I did get some strange looks in the I.C.U.! Goodnite and God bless....Darren.

First day back!	Mon 18th December 2006 23:20
I'm afraid the facts are all I can give tonight. As I write my eyes shut, and I can't quite come up with the emotions just yet. So, here goes.... I am now out of intensive care and in the ward. I received my first lot of chemotherapy today. The children visited for the first time since my operation. They looked more beautiful than ever. Nathaniel was extremely interested in the colostomy bag. Josh was very interested in the catheter. Grace charmed the nurses, while also creating a little havoc. Nathaniel and Josh also enjoyed taking turns at administering my morphine pump. My days are still spent drifting in and out of sleep. The children brought a small christmas tree into my room today - I can't believe it's one week until Christmas. I got up and walked a few steps with the aid of a physio today. The nurses here are all lovely, and have allowed Darren to stay the night with me. Everyone but me (obviously) will be moving from our 10th story apartment into a lovely house tomorrow, where Christmas will be spent, along with the rest of our stay. Thank you for all your kind messages. My love to all of you, Tiffany.

	Sun 17th December 2006 21:22
Very low and emotional day for Tiff,probably the most upset she has been since this whole thing began.I think the drugs and pain have weakened her resolve and she is finding it very hard today.I'm trying to just let her be and feel what she needs to and all the family here have been great at that too.Its a process I feel she needs to go through herself with us here to support when ever needed but not to judge or influence in any way. She turned a corner this evening after what she said was a beautiful talk with her father Tony followed by reading all your amazing dispatches which will provide more healing than any of us will know.Four pages have been added since she last looked! Anyway at the time of writing Tiff is much more clear headed and feeling a lot more peaceful.She has had the breathing tube removed,she is managing her pain really well and they are removing one of the pain drugs tonite.they are expecting to be able to move her up to her own room tomorrow and we hope the boys and Grace can see her tomorrow.Thank you all and a special thanks to the TEAM over here. I know Its very tough on each of you in very different ways but I think you're doing all the right things which is respecting Tiffs needs and wishes, I accept any complements on your behalf too and am full of love and admiration at the way you're all dealing with this. Apologies at the lack of entries today and to all those who have not had calls/e-mails etc. returned I'm sure you understand. Love and God bless to all Darren

	Sun 17th December 2006 00:11
Tiff came out of the op after just six and a half hours,well ahead of schedule.The Prof said he was confident he had removed all visable and micrascopic tumour and that he was now happy to put a prognosis of around fifty percent on Tiffs long term survival.As hard as they tried to keep her sedated they didn't realise that when my dear wife has got something to say no amount of drugs or the inability to speak{due to tubes}will stop her.To all our amazement,with eyes hardly open she lifted a weary hand and began to spell out questions about the op in the air.Luckily her nurse Kelly was excellent at working out what she was saying because I was rubbish.Eventually the nurses had to say stop as rest is now so important but I think they have already seen the Tiffany spirit and know they have a struggle on their hands to hold her back.They expect her to be in hospital for at least 2-3 weeks. The intraperitaneal chemo will probably start on Monday and be repeated for 4-5 days,because it goes directly into the abdomen it can be hundreds of times more concentrated yet produce few side effects.They then advise 6 months of traditional systemic chemo,after which time they would carry out the callostomy reversal and also get to have a look to see if Tiff is still clear. Your messages have been amazing today as always,one of the first things Tiff spelled out was c.o.m.p.u.t.e.r! but they wouldn't let her read them,I'll make sure she sees them tomorrow. Thanks to all you fellow fasters,bet you're looking forward to breakfast! Goodnight and God bless and thanks again for carrying us through today Darren

	Sat 16th December 2006 19:21
have just popped out {no phnoes or computers in ICU},Tiff is being kept under sedation but has opened her eyes a couple of times.She is obviously in pain and has tubes and wires everywere but still looks so beautiful.I think she understood as I told her what had happened.They are going to keep her asleep at least til tomorrow.I am not allowed to stay and so will stay at the cancer accom tonite.That will be tough with the kids at Bondi.Michelle said they have had a good day but are missing us.May do one final update later,forgive me if I dont. Love and God bless to all Darren

From Surgeon	Sat 16th December 2006 13:00
Webmaster error - sorry, Darren's message was deleted by mistake. Brief summary: Cancer WAS found - a little more than scan showed, but "not terrible". The surgeon said that she had a "good chance". Tiffany will have to have a temporary colostomy bag, which will mean further surgery. Darren will give another update soon.

The day itself	Sat 16th December 2006 11:52
Grace's birthday started well, and her face lit up as she was presented with her three gifts: a ball, a rattle and a bucket and spade all wrapped up in towels. In Taupo, we would have spent an absolute fortune at the 'Toy Chest' (don't worry guys, we'll be back - we owe you!). But that didn't matter - she was surrounded by those who love her, and was receiving what Tiff and our whole family have been receiving from all of you. The day pretty much went downhill after that, as the kids were struck by a sudden tummy bug. The boys and I were at a very large and posh department store when Nathaniel suddenly said: "Toilet, Daddy, Toilet!" I knew from the look on his face as I scooped him up in my arms, that things were about to get very messy, and I had no idea... He let out a whimper and then absolutely exploded from the bottom of his shorts all over the two of us and as I frantically raced up and down the marble corridors with Josh trying to keep up, we left a trail of sticky debris and destruction wherever we went. Children were literally screaming and almost everybody without exception had their hands to their faces. As cosmopolitan as Sydney is, all complexions changed the same colour at that moment. I finally bailed us all up in a quiet corner, while I gathered my thoughts. Eventually a security guard came around the corner on full alert. To my horror (and hers) she nearly slipped as she approached and halted at a safe distance. For a moment nobody spoke, and I actually considered just running away with the kids 'never looking back'. "We had a bit of an accident", I said. "Have you ever!" came the broad Aussie reply. I truly believe she would have rather been dealing with a major terrorist incident. I was concerned we could be removed from the country on environmental grounds. She eventually led us to a bathroom, past the scowling crowds and frantic emergency cleaning crews. Looking horrified as Nathaniel (now walking like John Wayne with haemoroids) trudged back over their newly-cleaned floors, dripping all the way. I washed myself down, threw Nathaniel's shorts away, and bought some more, and we all walked home laughing hysterically - what else could we do? This all happened while Tiff met with the oncologist, which you have read about. I'm not sure our story helped to take her mind of the uninspiring meeting. We had a much more positive talk again with Professor Morriss as we arrived at the hospital last night. Although realistic, he is very encouraging. Tiff had a few tears, on and off, but has remained so positive, as of course we knew she would. This has helped so much by all the positive thoughts, prayers and messages that we read several times a day on the site. It was the last thing she did this morning before being taken down to theatre. Thank you all so much. The problem with all this positivity is that it highlights all the negativity we are surrounded by and normally influenced by, and that I am so guilty of propagating in the past myself. Like the guy at the train station, who issued our tickets without once looking up, and perhaps getting a little warmth from the smile Tiff was giving to the top of his head, or the otherwise lovely nurse, who complained Christmas was already ruined because her mother-in-law was coming and had started to demand the carrots be cooked in a certain way, without looking into Tiff's eyes and seeing she was reveling in each precious moment as needles came at her in every direction, and she prepared for Christmas in an ICU, and it may surprise you to learn that we consider our present this year to be Cancer, for it has truly, truly led us to such a deep appreciation of ourselves, our family and friends, and enabled us to receive the amazing gift of love too big to be packaged and already too bright and beautiful to need fancy trimmings and bows. It has enabled us to be affected by the positive and recognise the negative. The truth and authenticity resonates: lies and ego sound instantly ugly. Hey, we are never going to be perfect, and will always be working on this stuff, but if you can recognise it in yourself and others, at least then you have an opportunity to accept or reject it, rather than obliviously sponge up all the crap. Probably getting a bit too profound here. Sorry! You just need to know Tiff went into surgery thankfully, peacefully, empowered and wrapped up in love. Thank you all. PS I'll update the site again as news comes in.

The big day draws near...	Fri 15th December 2006 01:35
Standing at the pathology section of St. George's Private Hospital, I was mesmerized by the beautiful flashing lights on the Christmas tree. It took me back to 1 year ago today as Darren and I impatiently paced the wards of Rotorua Hospital waiting for the arrival of Grace. It was a precious day. A group of about 30 hospital staff and family sang carols for us. (We were the only people other than the 3 midwives on duty in the maternity ward). As the midwife on duty - a very special lady by the name of Pam - introduced me to the group, she explained I was in the last stages of labour and about to have a baby. A small child from the group stepped forward, gave me a beautiful stuffed donkey and a card she had made wishing us a Merry Christmas. The group then sang "When a Child Is Born". Needless to say, between contractions, I was very touched. 30 minutes later, Grace was born. Well, 1 year on, my daydreaming was interrupted as a young woman with a friendly smile called me to have my blood test. Making small chat she asked if the weather was still warm outside. "Very", I responded. "So are you all organized for Christmas?" she asked. I looked at her and replied: "Oh not really. We've kind of had other things on our mind. I was diagnosed with a terminal cancer 10 weeks ago and we've come across for an urgent operation..." "I'm sorry", she said, and with that I burst into tears. I guess the enormity of the situation hit home for a moment and with all my being I longed to be out shopping for Christmas gifts and stopping for the odd cappuccino (Yes I know, Tracey, cappuccino's are very 80's apparently everyone drinks flat whites now). Anyway, it wasn't quite what I would have planned for Grace's 1st birthday - an oncologist visit and some blood tests. Travelling back to our motel on the train I pulled myself together, reminding myself how lucky I am to have so much love in my life and this opportunity on Saturday. Tomorrow is a big day as I am admitted about lunchtime. Thanks to all for your messages of love & support. Some of you have asked for the address of St. George's. It is: St. George Private Hospital 1 South Street Kogarah New South Wales 2217 Australia God Bless. I won't update for a while. I'll leave it to Darren. All my love, Tiffany.

Meeting with the Prof	Wed 13th December 2006 23:50
As I bounded up the stairs two at a time (the lift was broken), I felt excited to finally meet Professor Morris. As we sat in the waiting room it was a strange feeling. I felt so well - it was like I was there supporting someone else as I looked around the room at some obviously very sick people. The ironic thing is medically their prognosis was probably better than mine. Yet again I wondered what I was doing here and how I had got here. I really felt great - energetic and full of life. As we entered his office and addressed him he asked us to please call him Prof - only those that don't like me call me Professor. I instantly felt at ease in his company as he asked me to run though our journey so far. After ascertaining that I had no current symptoms, he proceeded to tell us that the cancer I had was the 'most nasty' of all cancers that he dealt with and that the percentages of survival reflected that. He did say that my wellness indicated that the amount of tumour may be less and if this was the case, when they operated then I had a 50% chance of survival. If they found a lot of tumour then he said my chances were very poor. I reassured him that I felt certain I'd be just fine. He smiled and said he liked the attitude. We also asked if it was possible that the cancer might have regressed (ie gone) He said " Although he did believe in God this would have to be a miracle out of the bag as some cancers do regress but not this one. Well, we'll just have to watch this space won't we. Speaking of prayer thankyou so much to all the prayer warriors who have elected a day to pray and fast. Every prayer makes a difference and despite what some of you may think, they can't be rated. If they were you'd all get a 10 out of 10. My operation is at 8am Saturday morning. I'm looking forward to it in a funny kind of way. The children are all wonderful. I'm stocking up on cuddles. Those first few days will be hard but I live in the moment and enjoy today. Enjoy them all in the here and now. Tomorrow is Grace's 1st birthday. We are all very excited. Our love to you all, Tiffany. p.s. The apartment we are staying in is The Meriton which used to be called The Tiffany. Everywhere we look we see Tiffany labels. It also has a fantastic supermarket across the road with an awesome range of berries. So Darren with his berry fetish is a very happy man. Can we choose a place based on berries? I think so. P.P.S. Yes we've had 1 too many green teas.

We're off!	Tue 12th December 2006 09:14
The eagle has landed - just, well the trip was everything you'd expect from a Tiplady adventure. Taupo to Auckland - no trouble, then our Sydney flight was cancelled. So another 2 hours in the airport before we could get going. The flight was good and all our charges were beautifully behaved. We finally arrived in Sydney at 4.30 local time. We'd been hearing about the barmy weather over her and so were a little disappointed to step out of the airport in shorts and jandles to find - torrential rain! And an electrical strom which would have sent Guy Fawkes running for cover. There were more flashes that in a strip club. So then we picked up the car but could only fit either passengers or luggage in it - not both. So we hired a cab and I followed in the hire car with the luggage - unfortunately the cabbie was and ex bank robber getaway driver and when I said "I'll follow you", he must have misheard me and thought I said "I'll try and catch you"! After I had broken every rule in the highway code at least twice he actually 'lost' me once. So now we are in our apartment and it's actually quite nice. It did say we had views of the ocean and we can also see the harbour bridge and the opera house - but to be honest we are so high I can see just about every Australian land mark. Tiff has handles the trip very well as any 'not sick' person would. I'm sure if you asked the airline staff to pick the 'sick' person she would have been last on their list. Our next big thing is a meeting with the Prof on Wednesday - it will be good to meet him at last. Tiff continues to inspire all with the attitude you have all witnessed. I hope she remains as peaceful right up to operation day - I'm sure she will. Thanks to Jo and Shona (and yes we saw you Tara) for getting us off to a good start and for Tony, Diana, Tracey, Paula, and Andrea for coming to the airport. Bye for now - God Bless Darren

We're off!	Sun 10th December 2006 22:22
This weekend has been a whirlwind of emotion as we received confirmation late Friday that we are to fly out to Sydney tomorrow morning. We will be travelling as a family with our special addition of Michelle and Abby. As we pack our bags we take with us a huge amount of love and support from so many - there's a few less shoes than usual - I don't think I'll need the usual range this time. We have found accommodation just for the next few days and are still open to any other accommodation that may be suitable. My operation is booked for Saturday. I tucked Nathaniel into bed tonight - he looked up at me and perceptively said "Mummy why do you look like that?" "Like what?", I replied, "Sad" he said. "Mummy's just feeling a little sad right now, sometimes you feel sad don't you?" Nodding he said, "Don't worry tomorrow I'll cheer you up, I'll share some of my toys with you". It's not the toys that are important, but the love behind it. As with all of your prayers, thoughts, and AMAZING support- Thank you everyone. Love really is the biggest healer. We'll update you from Sydney. Lots of love Tiffany. ps please communicate through the web site or via email daztif@xtra.co.nz as it costs us more if you text or call on our mobile while overseas. Thanks

Finally...almost	Tue 5th December 2006 22:21
We finally have a pncilled date of 16th December to be confirmed within 24-48 hours. Professor Morris' secretary rang and spoke to Darren tonight telling us that the op is being organised for the next Saturday. We need to be in Sydney on Tuesday 12th December for a question & answer meeting with the Professor. We have a few of those! Sooooo... this living day to day stuff - at least there's never a dull moment...We are having problems finding accommodation for us all. I'll give y'all the details as they are today. If anyone knows anyone or anywhere that may be available please let us know ASAP. We do need to book somewhere in the next couple of days. There will be 2 adults and 4 children from 11th-12th December until the middle or possibly end of Jan depending on how my progress goes. We will look at flying to Sydney next Monday. Mixed feelings for us all right now - great to have a date & some finality, however a little nerve racking (ok a lot). One day at a time and a real 'knowing' that I am not alone should make for a good nights sleep. God bless everyone, Loads of love Tiffany xx

Thank you	Sat 2nd December 2006 22:53
In the seconds after the surgeon told us what he had found, everything seemed to stop, everything went silent but my mind raced and filled with every fearful scenario possible - there was nothing I could do to stop it. This was bad - it couldn't get any worse. Last night (at the Taupo fund raising auction), not that long after the lowest point in my life - everything seemed to stop again. Everything went silent, but this time I was filled with every possible positive, loving emotion. It was like I was watching a movie, except the lead role was being played by my beautiful wife as she spoke to a hall packed full of amazing people. Great friends, good friends, 'supermarket' friends, business aquaintances, ex-students, complete strangers - all there for one reason, to show their support and love for this amazing person. It has been the most incredible experience to see the faith, fight and spirit in Tiff, but equally amazing to see the faith, fight and spirit of all those around her - I hope you are all feeling that too. All I can do is say 'thank you' over and over which of course I will continue to do, but if you can all realise how fantastic you are then we have all got an incredible life lesson from this journey. Forget the news, the papers and anyone who preaches doom and gloom - WE all know that there is a phenominal good in people and I hope you all carry the feelings you experienced last night with you. I'm sure that was the case in Auckland too at the head shaving fundraiser, and with each and every act of love and kindness that appears on the web site, in the streets of Melbourne or wherever. The practical results of all your efforts mean that we can fund Tiff's operation and treatment. The emotional results of your efforts are immeasurable and far reaching. So here comes that totally inadequate word again - THANKYOU all, God Bless Darren.

No date yet	Sat 2nd December 2006 10:28
Hi, Just a quick one to let you know that we have not heard anything about the date yet - have found out that we may not hear until Monday or even Tuesday as the Professer needs to meet with the other medical staff to work out a date. Fundraising events were awesome. More information will be available tonight. Thanks

Birthday Wish	Wed 29th November 2006 22:23
As Josh blew out his candles he shared his birthday wish with me - 'I wish for mummy to get better'. A powerful wish from the eldest of my 3 wonderful children. As Josh turned 6 Grace also joined in on the growing up act by taking 6 steps. Watching her buck naked little body proudly take 1 step after another filled me with such joy and excitement. Just as watching the little kids and the big kids (Darren and Pete) take on the water slide in our front garden invoked the same feelings. And then there was the highly emotional experience of watching my dear friend Shona have her head shaved. Nathaniel laughed when he heard what Shona would be doing. 'Why is she doing that mummy?' As I explained to my curious 4 year old what Shona was doing and why, I felt deeply moved. To describe it would not do Shona justice. Another angel at my side through this experience. I am so blessed. What a day! Love Tiff XXX

An exciting opportunity !	Mon 27th November 2006 22:46
How does a healthy fit young person get a terminal cancer? Every day our bodies produce cancerous cells and every day most of our bodies recognise these 'bad or unhealthy' cells and destroy them. So why did my body 'let me down' so to speak and allow cancer to grab such a hold? The cancer that was discovered on Sept 23rd was at Stage 4 and from the doctor's perspective at a point of no return. They gave me a 0% chance of recovery. So I searched for alternatives. A doctor by the name of Sam Hunker is here in the Taupo region for the next couple of months. He is visiting from the USA and he has helped me tremendously and given me a different perspective. A very life giving one! He is speaking at the Great Lake Centre on Thurday night from 6-8pm. There is no charge and although you pay nothing I would be very suprised if anyone there walks away with nothing on the night. I would highly recommend that if you are able to take this opportunity that you grab it. Darren and I will be. Take Care. God Bless and love to you all, Tiffany xxxxx

Clear lungs	Sun 26th November 2006 22:15
Our GP and future legend and pioneer of the wholistic healing world - Glen Davies gave us the very good news that Tiff's lungs are clear, this means that Sydney will definately accept her for treatment within the next 3 weeks. We have recieved more first hand accounts of Prof Morris, endorsing his reputation and so we can finally say we will going to Sydney. Your fundraising has been amazing, but I do feel the kind of money the US is demanding is still out of reach, but we are more than happy with our decision. The 'Tiffany Tales' link has certainly taken off, there are obviously many stifled and frustrated authors amongst you, Tracey especially is close to needing a 'sub site'! I think you should all give Ewok a break and besides I have the POWER to remove any entry from any page! I think an important thing to remember is that if you can manage to slip a favourable comment or two about me in there you significantly improve your chances of being accepted. An amazing person came into our lives yesterday and I personally had the most spiritual moment of my life. I hope we can one day enlighten you more on that experience. 'Investigate' magazine approached us and are hoping to run an article and maybe some fund raising - I would like to thank Heidi and Ian Wishart for their time and interest. As always I would like to thank each and everyone of you who helps and supports us in so many ways. If a person runs into a burning building and saves a life they are called a hero. What you are all doing maybe less dramatic but it is no less heroic - you are ALL heros. Sincere thanks Love and God bless, Darren

Just one more !	Thu 23rd November 2006 22:29
Its just as well I have great veins ! I always knew they'd come in handy for something !!!! Yes another test tomorrow this time at Rotorua hospital. I'm definitely getting around these days ! I will be having a CT lung scan ay 9.10am so please keep me in your prayers at this time. Have I told you all lately what a great job you are doing on this front...... keep it up every one counts ! Will update tomorrow if we hear back from Sydney re. an operation date. Love to you all. God Bless and thankyou again and again for your amazing support Tiffany xxxx

7 days without laughter makes 1 weak!	Tue 21st November 2006 22:21
The joy that your love brings to us at this time is helping me grow stronger every day. The Sydney doctor has got back to us and they now require a CT scan of my lungs. These results will again be flown to Sydney for a meeting Friday week, where the results will be assessed. All being clear, they have said they will operate within 2 weeks. Exciting and a little (o.k a lot!) nerveracking. This means more waiting until next Friday 1st Dec .... yes that virtue of paitence is growing stronger by the day. They said that the results of the previous tests are encouraging, and that they could see residual cancer in my abdomen but nowhere else. We would still like to speak directly to Sugarbaker(the DC surgeon) as we have not been able to get past his PA's yet, so we will try to do that tomorrow. We will be asking why they feel it is necessary for me to go to Washington as we would really prefer Sydney for lots of reasons. Anyway we will definitely have a decision on where by the end of this week. Meanwhile I am living each day to the fullest, savouring every moment. I feel very well, am a whopping 49kg and feel very thankful to be surrounded by so many wonderful people. Loads of love and 'the infamous' warm fuzzies Tiffany

Still waiting	Sat 18th November 2006 20:11
Dr Sugarbaker's office rang today with good and not so good news. The good news was that they also considered Tiff a good candidate for treatment, the not so good news was that the experts including Sugarbaker's opinion was that they could see residual disease in Tiffs omentum (abdomen lining) and greater abdomen, I guess they have seen Tiff's condition far more regularly than the radiologists in Wellington - and therefore we should trust their opinion. Sydney have told us they are also going to look over Tiff's results so it will be interesting to hear what they say. They are getting back to us on Monday. I asked the guys in Washington for their opinion on Sydney but they would not comment, saying only that Dr Sugarbaker is by far the leading authority on this condition. So again we will have to take time to decide on the best option. Thanks again for all your continued support via messages and mail - from here, the US, OZ and the UK. Special thanks to all those organising the auction night and all those who have so generously donated amazing items and services. It sounds like it has completly snowballed and apart from being a great fundraiser I'm sure it's going to be an awesome night. A big thanks also to the Pointon family and businesses for all your incredible generosity and help. Tiff and I both believe we will be able to "pay this forward" one day and that now this amazing communities' eyes and hearts have been opened I'm sure others in need will be able to be helped, and not be afraid to accept the love of others. The biggest gift we have been given from all this is realising the love and compassion to be found in the human race and the great thing about that is that I'm certain you are all receiving that gift back too. I'm sure every day of my life until now I've not seen many of the opportunities to give and so receive that gift. God Bless Darren

Hi from Tiff	Thu 16th November 2006 21:32
I haven't written for a while - I've been PROCESSING! Processing the amazing support that myself, Darren and the children are receiving at every level from from every corner. If I even attempted to thank everyone I would overload this site just like I've been known to do on many an answering machine. They never do make the tape space long enough. Darren and I decided many days ago that the word thankyou, in fact any words trying to express our gratitude to you all just wouldn't cut it sooo... on many an occasion lately I have been rendered tongue tied and quite speechless. That's the first miracle - Gods warm-up to the biggie that's going to occur when I become the first person in NZ to survive this cancer. In all seriousness so many blessings are occuring in our lives that I cannot feel sorry for myself. We are waiting in anticipation for a surgery date and are living each day to the fullest. Grace is taking her first steps, Nathaniel has become an oh so grown up 4 year old and Josh is working on losing his third tooth so he can hit up the tooth fairy. We have a family dance session to Van Morrison most nights - yes the big people still get to choose the music. I wake up each morning and feel so incredibly grateful to be alive and have such amazing love in our life. The glass is definitely half full - in fact it's overflowing. Thankyou for your messages of support they give us more joy than you can imagine. God Bless You All. Love and Hugs Tiff

latest	Mon 13th November 2006 18:09
Have just spoken to the surgeon who operated on Tiff's bowel in Auckland,Wayne Jones. He has been working away behind the scenes to try and secure some funding from the Ministry of Health,we had all but given up on this but he has recently made some headway.I would publically like to thank Wayne,he has always been professionally honest with us whilst also remaining compassionate and optomistic about the possibility of "beating the odds".He has also put considerable time and effort into helping us well over and above the call of duty,thanks mate. He reinforced Prof Morris'credentials by saying he has produced some very impressive papers and statistics,so even though we haven't heard from Prof Sugerbaker yet we are more and more certain Sydney is the right choice. Tiff is as good as ever,it is such a privilege to see someone LIVING and be close enough to be dusted by the fall-out. love to all Darren

waiting,waiting	Sun 12th November 2006 20:44
Have not been able to contact Prof Sugarbaker,should happen next day or two.Had a lovely day at home with lots of visitors as usual bearing gifts of baking and organic fruit and veg etc.So good to see Tiff in her dream home after so much hard work,kids are loving the space {they only come in for food and refreshments}and we are loving watching them.Check out all the new stuff on the site,Jonathan our web site designer and busking legend has added extra pages and photos on the existing pages,thanks mate and thanks for your kind words,we are eqully proud and blessed to have you in our life. Your messages are such good medicine,you maxed out the web site!and Jonathan again had to add more pages,lets keep him busy eh! Love to all,God bless Darren

Good news	Fri 10th November 2006 22:45
The results are in and……………….it’s great news, they showed no cancer or “activity” in any of the areas observed which is both surprising and encouraging. Firstly because neither Tiff’s liver, bowel or lymphatic systems that were checked are affected, but more importantly that the abdomen showed nothing. At the very least this very aggressive cancer which could prove fatal within a year if untreated seems to have remained very insignificant after 6 weeks! Has it gone completely? The only way we would know is if Tiff was accepted for surgery and somebody actually ‘went in’ again. So now comes the second piece of great news, Prof Morris from Sydney rang at 6:00pm to say he had received the results, met with his colleagues and was pleased to accept Tiff for treatment. So now we await news from Washington – compare the two and make a decision. I am very comfortable with Prof Morris and have always had a really good feeling from our conversations. Our house move went well and many of the hands that have comforted us helped lift boxes and again we thank you all. The fund-raising continues to blow us away and your donations have now reached about $4000!!! Awesome, thanks. I must emphasise that ALL money raised will go directly on Tiff’s treatment. We can afford all other associated expenses and want to make it clear that your donations are to be used very specifically, this is very important to us. It has been a very exciting and uplifting day and we now pray that come the time some very surprised surgeons look at Tiff and say “well fellas, we can’t explain it but there’s no cancer there, let’s sew her up and send her home!” Love to you all – Darren.

Back from the tests	Wed 8th November 2006 22:16
Tiffany returned from Wellington today – eventually – cross winds at Taupo meant the plane could not land and ended up in Tauranga where she was bussed back from. The procedure was much less invasive than expected and the most difficult part was that she had to lay absolutely motionless for 1 ½ hours – an extreme challenge for Tiff as you can all imagine! The results have been sent to all concerned but frustratingly we were not allowed to be told anything by the radiography dept. We will now have to wait for one of the specialists to contact us. We are expecting to hear from the Sydney surgeons this Friday. We continue to be absolutely overwhelmed by all the messages and fund-raising – Taupo you are incredible, we cannot thank you enough. What an amazing community this is. It is impossible for us to feel any sadness when we are enveloped in such love from all over the world, we are experiencing one of the worst things life can present whilst also experiencing the amazing compassion of the human spirit. So many people must suffer alone and unloved and that must be the saddest experience of all. Darren

Awaiting results...	Wed 8th November 2006 21:46
Tiff is now back in Taupo. The procedures in Wellington went well: for the very active Tiffany it was difficult to lie completley still for 4 hours! Results are being couriered to the doctors in Sydney. We hope to know the results at some stage on Friday. We will keep you posted.

Tests Today	Tue 7th November 2006 12:00
Tiff is off to Wellington today for two very important tests - a CT angiogram of the liver and a PET scan. She needs to go to Wellington as this is the only place that can do these tests. The purpose of these tests is to detect cancer and assess whether Tiff is eligable for the big operation in Australia or the USA. To prepare for these tests Tiff can not eat for 4 hours before the test - the tests themselves take about 4 hours - so she will not be eating for 8 hours! We are not very happy about that as we have been trying to fatten her up. When she came out of hospital she was 45kgs. We all got very excited 2 days ago when she weighed in at 48kgs (her normal weight is 55kgs). She will have to do a lot of eating when she gets home. Other preparations for the PET scan include being injected with radiotracers. For those who want the nitty gritty read the following from the patient information: "Positron Emission Tomography -PET scanning is achieved by injecting a small amount of radioactivity, in a particular chemical form (FDG) into the blood stream. Diseased tissue will normally concentrate more for FDG than normal tissue. You will be passed through a PET scanner which will detect the radiation coming from within your body and produce maps or images of where the radioactivity is distributed." We are hoping that the cancer has not spread beyond the peritoneal area and into the lymphatic system, but even better, that no cancer is detected at all! So keep Tiff in your hearts and prayers today between 2 and 6 pm. Stay posted for the results. God Bless

Update	Sun 5th November 2006 22:32
Tiff is continuing to get stronger and has put on weight, she is now a whopping 48kg! I can assure you all that you will not become fat on an anti- cancer diet of wheat grass and dandelion leaves. In case you didn't know we are also moving house this week! We decided to go ahead with it as we both see it as a new start. I have just had an interesting weekend surrounded by 4 angels from Auckland and 1 from the mount.After signing a confidentiality clause they have packed our whole house, there were some very interesting finds and my years of unheeded warnings about my wife's obsessive compulsive hoarding have now been well and truly substantiated. Thanks heaps girls and a special thanks to Andrea for your uplifting gesture. Tiff now has two companions for her trip to Wellington - her sisters Amanda and Lisa. This would normally be very good news for the capital's retail sector but I think the tight treatment schedule may hamper any ideas they may have on retail therapy. Thanks as always for the prayers, thoughts, laughs, tears, cooking, wheat grass, books, fruit, sewing (Bets), Trade Me trials and tribulations (Jodie), donations (very generous), cards, texts, letters, e-mails and posted messages. A special thanks also to our dear friend Michelle who has left her husband (Ledgenday biscuit eater Denis) in the Sunshine Coast, Australia, to live with us with her beautiful daughter Abby. Michelle does all the stuff that nobody would go "wow" at but is SO important ie - cooking, cleaning, more cleaning,! shopping, chauffer, laudry slave, supplement administrator, champion juicer and so much more - love ya Shell! And thanks again to you all for your support through this web site - you are amazing. I will update you on the results from Wellington as we know them. God bless - love Darren

2nd November 2006	Thu 2nd November 2006 20:46
The blessings that came slowly at the beginning of our journey and helped us through the initial fear and shock have now become overwhelming. The love and support our family has recieved has been unbelievable. This support has come from family, friends, associates and complete strangers. Your prayers, thoughts, words and acts of unconditional love and kindness have made us laugh, cry and reminisce, but have all given us strength. I guess it should be of no suprise that the countless people Tiff has touched throughout the world are now reaching out to touch her, and you are. Thankyou all for coming with us on our journey and for sharing our load. OK the latest... Tiff flys to Wellington next week to have a PET scan and an angiogram - the results of these will be sent to Sydney and Washington and if Tiff meets their criteria we will then have to make a decision on where we can recieve the best treatment. Thanks again - we'll update soon. Go hug someone! I've become a hugger- it's great- and I intend to hug each and every one of you- look out, Love and God bless, Darren

mistake in account information	Thu 2nd November 2006 20:19
Sorry I know a lot of people have had trouble giving donations to our account- this would be because the number is wrong! The correct number is as follows: 03-0430 0381368 25 -this should be amended on the web site tonight.

Please pray for the right decision	Sun 29th October 2006 23:26
We now have some decisions to make as the only conventional medical treatment being offered with any percentage of success is overseas. It requires intensive surgery – 15-30 hours and a lot of money. We are praying that if this is Gods wish that the path will be made clear. Your continued prayer is so important to us as we discern what is the best action to take.

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